What We Do Know: Part 53

"It’s a good thing you’re bulletproof." -Bella

It's indestructible.

Eclipse Solo: Want You Bad

Oh, Edward. You ARE too nice! Just do it already.

Want You Bad
(Bella Sings)

If you could only read my mind
You would know that things between us
Ain't right
I know your arms are open wide
But you're a little on the straight side
I can't lie

Your one vice
It's you're too nice
Come around now can you see

I want you
All tattooed
I want you bad

Complete me
Mistreat me
want you to be bad bad bad bad bad
















(Ooops, wrong badass vampire)

If you could only read my mind
You would know that I've been waiting
So long
Someone almost just like you
But with attitude, I'm waiting
so come on

Get out-of-clothes time
Grow out those highlights
Come around now can't you see
















(Oh Edward. You can keep your highlights and still be badass!)

I want you
In a vinyl suit
I want you bad

Complicated
X-rated
I want you bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
Bad

Don't get me wrong
I know you're only being good
But that's what's wrong
I guess I just misunderstood

Go!

I want you
All tattooed
I want you bad

Complicated
X-rated
I want you bad

I mean it
I need it
I want you bad, bad, bad, bad, bad
Bad, really really bad

What We Do Know: Part 52 (What Jacob Knows)

"He knows what he’s doing and I don’t." -Jacob

I knew it!

It has experience.

What We Do Know: Part 51 (What Jacob Knows)

"I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am." - Jacob

It doesn't like to share.

What We Do Know: Part 50 (What Jacob Knows)

Even Jacob is preoccupied by it!

"What’s it like — having a vampire for a boyfriend?" - Jacob

What We Do Know: Part 49 (What Jacob Knows)

Even Jacob is dazzled by it.

"Damn it all. He's better than I thought." -Jacob

What We Do Know: Part 48 (What Jacob Knows)

Jacob's not supposed to talk about it.

"I guess I just violated the treaty." -Jacob

What We Do Know: Part 47 (What Jacob Knows)

"It's just a scary story, Bella."

Is it, Jacob? IS IT?

hissssssssssssss

That's What He Said

"I don’t mind if you want to use me to experiment." -Jacob

Woah.

The Virgin Edward

What's the real reason Edward is so reluctant to seal the deal with Bella? And I'm not talking about making her into a vampire. I'm talking about the other deal that needs sealing.

Why won't he just get it over with? Why does it take the better part of 4 books? Saga indeed! It's quite perplexing.

Maybe he likes boys? Probably not likely, since he eventually does let Bella into his legally-married pants.

Maybe he can only do it in Portuguese? Possibly.

Maybe he is a never-nude? He might be. And that might inhibit certain things, especially if Bella is turned off by cutoff jeans.

Sidebar: Supposedly Edward was a virgin when he met Bella. And while a vampire is first and foremost interested in quenching his literal thirst, we are told that vampires also do have human instincts and urges buried down deep inside. In the book it is explained that for Edward it was Bella who made him feel human (i.e. icy and bothered) and so it naturally follows that this is the first time as a vampire he has been interested in participating in human...activities.

So the real question is, why then was Edward a virgin as a 17-year-old human?


Was Carlisle the first person to see Edward and think "I'd tap that"? Really?

Was human Edward not hot? Not likely! Take away the speed, take away the strength, take away the sparkle (DO NOT TAKE AWAY THE SPARKLE) and Edward is still one fine-looking and imminently beddable bloke. (Yes, I said beddable. Which, not coincidentally, spellcheck wants me to change to bedazzle.)


Was he impotent as a human? Maybe t'was Bella who put the bite in his bat if you know what I'm saying (you always know what I'm saying). Hmm. Not likely, for a healthy 17-year-old-boy. Well, healthy until the Spanish influenza hit.

Maybe he liked boys? Perhaps!

Maybe he lived in a non-existent Stephenie Meyerville where no one has premarital sex or drinks alcohol because they are "moral"? Likely.

Or, mayhaps he is a liar? Proven!

Oh, Edward.

What do you think made Edward keep the vampire in the coffin, so to speak?

What To Expect From TDH in 2010

• More detailed and gratuitous analysis of Edward's sparkley bits. Oh. We know a lot.
• New Moon DVD Release coverage. Well, maybe not so much coverage as a weekend swooning binge peppered with incoherent in-joke blog posts interspersed with in-depth and hilarious analyses.

• Eclipse themed cocktails!
• A Member of TDH has Rob's love child.
  
• Will there be more Twifights?

• Eclipse Lockdown. Team Deer is going underground. It will be as if we never existed. Until we resurface after a weekend swooning binge peppered with incoherent in-joke blog posts interspersed with in-depth and hilarious analyses.
• If the rumors are true, Robstalk: Portland (or Vancouver, whatever) during filing of Breaking Dawn.
  
• How much do we know about Edward's penis?
• What don't we know? What would we like to know?
  
• Total Eclipse of the Heart (also a good cocktail name)
• Partial Eclipse of the Sparkle.
• Maybe we'll get another fan. Woohoo!

What would you like to see from TDH in the coming year?

It's Rhetorical: Foundation Garments

Do the Cullen ladies needs to wear bras?

Or is perkiness just another perk of being a vampire?

What We Do Know: Part 46

Haven’t you noticed yet, Bella, that Edward is just the teeniest bit prone to overreaction?
-Alice

It's prone to overreaction. So. Watch out.

Let’s Talk for a Minute about Carlisle’s Wardrobe

Is there a rule that Carlisle has to wear a cardigan and/or some sort of neck ornament if he isn't wearing his lab coat?


Is that supposed to make him look old enough to have teenage foster kids? Because it just makes him look like a douchebag.

And he dresses this way when he is at home alone with his family! I can understand misguided attempts to fool the humans into thinking he's old--creating the illusion of a middle aged fatherly type. But at home?


Again, I have to ask. Alice? Hellooooo? Are you the one responsible for Carlisle's wardrobe? What are you thinking?

Sidebar: Why bother casting really hot Cullen men if you are just going to douse them with powdered sugar and lipstick (omg that's so hot) and awful unnatural hair colors or wigs? Are you trying to make them less attractive than Edward? Because I would kind of be ok with it if they were all equally attractive.

Sidebar #2: Could someone please hurry up and cast this man in a Jane Austen movie? He doesn't even have to learn a British accent. He doesn't have to speak at all. He can just alternate between an eye twinkle and general smoldering. Maybe even in a more natural hair color.

It's Rhetorical: Do Vampires Have Scent Glands?

Possibly.

But they evidently don't need them in order to mark their territory, before their territory goes off to play with her werewolf friend:

[Edward] smiled, and then a sly look came into his eye. He pulled me close, burying his face in my hair. I could feel his cool breath saturate the strands as he exhaled; it raised goose bumps on my neck. "I'll be right back," he said, and then he laughed aloud as if I'd just told a good joke.

"Mine! (chuckle chuckle)"

Oh Edward, you sneaky possessive-compulsive little thing! I mean really. Who is the dog and who is the vampire?

The New Moon Vision Alice Shows Aro

Oh, COME ON Alice! For the love of Edward!

Why do we get latter-day virgin as Bella's first romp as a vampire? Why?

Why this?

And not this?

This is clearly two fashion-forward vamps in a dark, soulless meadow. Just add sparkle!

Isn't Alice supposed to be on the cutting edge? More Paris runway than Little House on the Prairie? More leather and stiletto than khaki and virginal white?

Oh, Alice.

What We Do Know: Part 45

"You’re intoxicated by my very presence."


It's intoxicating.

What We Do Know: Part 44

"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon"It's shocking!

That is What She Said and That is What He Said

"It's so pretty, " I murmured to myself, surprised.

"Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful." I shrugged, feigning a lack of interest. "What's not to like."
He chuckled. "See if it fits."