I Declare this an Emergency -- Musings

Its a conspiracy. Muse and Stephenie Meyer have some sort of twisted pact, working together to gain followers and be the demise of western civilization. I am sure of it!

Take a Bow -- Clearly about Volturi

Time is Running Out -- Clearly about mortality

Stockholm Syndrome -- New Moon

Invincible -- Breaking Dawn

Yes, yes this IS an emergency. Because I read twilight and I want to listen to Muse. I listen to Muse, and all I think is vampires. Oh well, I guess there are some things I will just have to learn to live with... 

Muse, Paraphrased

I want it now

Give me your heart and your soul

This is the last time I will abandon you

This is the last time I will forget you

I wish I could cast a spell on the country you run, and you will think I'm drowning I wanna break this spell and risk all their lives and their souls and corrupt all that you touch will be the death of me lips are turning blue I only dream of you if you promise not to fade away give me your last chance to lose control how long before you let me go? ooooooooooh come on and spread a sense of urgency, I declare this an emergency!

What is your favorite vampire-ish Musing?

Twilight Avatars - Hilarity Ensues

Twilight Wardrobe Trauma

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn't notice at first. That's part of what makes it so irritating. The books were so good that I went into speed reading mode -- I couldn't be bothered to stop and ponder the wardrobe, though the signs were definitely there.

Maybe it was the build up, all the little things coming together. Or maybe it was because the book 4 plot twists left me feeling like good friend had betrayed me. And once betrayed, you begin to notice all those other things... So It wasn't until book four, when Bella oggles Edward in his tan slacks and grandma sweater. Tan slacks? What? Gag reflex activated!

The details all started coming back to me... The leather jacket, ribbed turtlenecks, sweater vests, khaki and beige and --AGH. I suppose he could be pulling off a GQ model look, possibly. So I could understand one or two sweaters. Or maybe if he were going for a clark kent alter ego... 

I noticed that in the movie, Jasper appeared to be sporting the wardrobe that book Edward had, except with better colors. But Jasper is also older than Edward and has more of a "I'm jaunty and I bite" charisma anyway. 

High school fashion is pretty laughable, I'll admit, but its rare that a teenage boy would try to pull off something akin to Edwards wardrobe. The point of fashion in high school (or in life, really) is to try to tell the world a little bit about your personality through a combination of colors, cuts and styles. If you don't care, your clothes might reflect that. But vampires... what else do they have to think about? They don't sleep. They have all night to pick out an outfit for the next day. And if you're a 17 year old vampire who hasn't had a girlfriend for 100 years, might you brood a bit? Dabble in the darker colors of depressed and more depressed? Wear several different shades of grey? 

And thus ends my Fashion Trilogy Blog.

 

If you were to create a vampire character, what would their style be? Please comment belooow

Just Ask Alice

Oh Alice, if you love fashion so much, why did you let Edward leave the house in a beige leather jacket? You knew he was going to run into Bella that night. Did you really think a white turtleneck sweater would do the trick? DO YOU EVEN CARE!?!

So, Alice is supposed to be this bad ass mind reading vampire with a taste for fashion. In the books, she designs clothes for her family and keeps their wardrobes up to date. The movie did a fair job of updating the wardrobe of the vampires, and making them more stylish than their Olympic Peninsulan school mates. 

As one of those who grew up in the depths of the creepy Western Washington woods, I generally lack style. Or perhaps more accurately, I have many styles, and none of them quite add up. But does this stop me from giving a critique? Of course not! 

I think Alice's movie wardrobe could have been a little different. I think they were trying to make her look weird and edgy. That's fine, but it mainly seemed weird. Her hair is cute, but an older style. Is this because her hair cannot grow out once cut, and she just had to have that spiky year 2000c 'do? Or is it because the book was started several years ago, and its important to keep some of the visual details accurate, even if they are slightly outdated? Will we ever know?

Does Alice use her mind reading abilities to pluck fashion ideas from top designers? That would be pretty cool. We need to see Alice use her visions for trivial things. Like chess games, rock paper scissors... the movie only shows us a minimal amount of Alice and her mind reading abilities... just enough to keep the plot going. I guess movies have to do that. Visual media is all about abridging. Unfortunately this cut out some great lines, like Bella discussing her vampirism --"You won't catch me betting against Alice." A very important thought.

I have hope that the things they didn't manage to fit into this movie will go into the next one. They can fit all these great quotes into the beginning of the next movie, thus putting off Edward's departure until the middle of the movie and successfully shortening the amount of time we have to wait until the exciting conclusion in Volterra. 

I will now sit and wait patiently for the director to call me and ask me to come work on the set. 

Coats, Edwardian.

Bella stared at Edward, her jaw gaping at the sight of him in the sunlight.

"Edward... its beautiful!" She gasped.

"Beautiful?" He scoffed, stepping out of the sunlight and back into shadow.

"Its not. Bella, this-" he popped the collar of his custom made, double breasted wool jacket, as if to emphasise a point... or maybe just to show of the military shoulders, which he pulled of quite well. He continued, "This is the coat of a killer!"

If you haven't done an extensive web search yet for Edward's coats, don't worry about it. I have it allll here! Of course, none of them are exact, but Edward's coat was custom made, so even if some store did start making an exact replication of the custom made jacket, it wouldn't be authentic unless you customized it for yourself in some way. So if you must own his jacket, you are better off buying one of these, and taking some sewing lessons. 

http://www.shopdetour.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=sofg-militaryjacket-greywool&Category_Code=a_men&Store_Code=DCS

http://www.benshermanshop.com/tmpl/en/detail.tmpl?art_count=36;pg=5;count_art_sel=1;id=q3DjVyjuCA4dG-uL1aMJZE;count_cat_sel=6;art_id=35377;count_history_sel=0

And this one looks nothing like it, but I thought it was pretty cool, so yeah

http://www.burton.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=12551&catalogId=20553&productId=904543&categoryId=139025&parent_category_rn=95219

And this one is a blue/grey trench coat, but its pretty close. Just add different buttons and hem it up a bit!

http://www.thatindielook.com/product_info.php?cPath=144_169_171&products_id=1225

So, good luck finding Edward's killer jacket. What about that other grey one? The one he's wearing when he saves her from the van. Its like a grey windbreaker esque material. I'm too exhausted to scour the internet, again. 

Team Edward

Today I was talking to my friend Matilda, who has seen Twilight, but hasn't read the books (yet). She asked me what the deal was with Team Edward vs Team Jacob, and whether there was really any competition?

Ummm, No.

I suppose the competition between them becomes a pretty important part of the plot, but really, did anyone think Jacob had a chance? 

Still, I don't think I would wear a Team Edward shirt (though I don't know what color it comes in). He can be sort of a D-nozzle.

I would prefer a Team Cullen shirt. I wouldn't mind joining the family. As long as they don't nickname me after any type of monkey. 

Movie and Book: The short list

The Good, The Bad... There is no Ugly, They're vampires!

Movie Pros

Edward

Jasper's bug-eyed expression

Vampire Wardrobe

Emmet's track suit

Charlie and the Shotgun

Vitamin R

Edward

Edward doesn't chuckle

Edward following Bella into the woods is the best scene ever.

Growling

The golden Onion
Alice ripping James to pieces.

Movie Cons

Glitter Skin + bells chiming = wtf? I know the skin glitter is a huge part, but couldn't they just make it glow or something?

"The Cullens don't come here"-- perhaps one of the most important lines, but they get it completely wrong.
Too fast, too fast!
No pond diving scene.

Hissing

Tree Hopping
Monkey references. ??

Book Pros

Bella's obsession with Edward
Edward being sinister
Carlisle's History
The meadow
Good Lines (that weren't in the movie):
"Your Number was up the first time we met"

"I would rather die than stay away from you"

"If I could dream at all, it would be about you"

"You don't care if I'm a monster?"
"Sometimes I have a problem with my temper Bella"

Book Cons
White sleeveless button up T-shirts. I didn't even know you could buy those... or did he rip the sleeves off??
Tan Leather Jacket
Less chuckling, more brooding and smirking
No Beer!

So, feel free to add your OWN pros and cons.

Jasper's Song

(chorus)
I twitch I seethe

try not to breathe

resist hunger

resist barely

V1
Human Standing over there
Shifting now it stirs the air
I dare it to meet my stare
Human walks by unaware

Chorus
V2
I try not to contemplate
something bland sticks to my plate
but I dream of another taste
tempting me and tempting fate

Chorus
V3
stupid humans miss the signs
muscles tense my eyes go wide
you won't have time to run and hide
won't have time to scream or cry

Chorus
V4
I trace scars along my arms
reminding me of southern charm
reminding me of family
and why I chose humanity


I twitch I seethe

try not to breathe

resist hunger

resist barely

I won't bite no I won't drink
Really I'm OK I think

A filler post, for Jean

I promised Jean I would post something every day, and I missed yesterday. Oops!

Shouldn't that bottle be full of blood? 

Book 4 Mythology -- Stephenie Meyer, You are A-OK

So, vampire sperm. What's up with that? 

I was incredibly confused as to how a vampire could produce sperm, but not tears. I tossed and turned over this tiny detail. Shouldn't this be impossible?

What? You say the entire book is impossible? BAH. I still want believable explanations. How can Edward suck venom from Bella's wound if his own mouth is full of venom? Does he just have to swallow it all first? Not touch his teeth to her wound? hmm. And what about menstrual blood? Doesn't that bug vampires too? Do vampires do everything fast (Jean, I don't think many vampires actually make risotto)? 

Of course, Stephenie Meyer probably couldn't fit every single fact into the four books. I mean, JRR Tolkein included a 200 page appendix at the end of Return of the King (Meyer should probably thank me for including Tolkein in a post about her. Just sayin). And including an explanation about sperm would probably mean cutting out stuff like broken headboards and other crucial plot points. Sooooo, I discovered the FAQ section on Meyer's website (yet another thing you can google). She sort of explains the tear thing. Vampires don't produce tears because their eyes don't require moisture to function... 

Anyhoo, the best part of the explanation is when Meyer talks of why she never answers this type of  question at book signings. Apparently she has the tendency to giggle when she says "Seminal Fluids".  Truly she is a kindred spirit. Similar to the dick and fart joke phenomenon, women are often connected by the middle school girl syndrome; an inability to hold back the giggles when talking about attractive people, naked people, or anything in between... eh? EH? So the next time you hear a silly word like "sperm" or "ovum", or even just "fluid" try the giggle. Satisfaction guarunteed! 

The Twilight Exit

So I just made the connection that my favorite dive bar in seattle (actually, favorite bar in seattle) has a great name. The Twilight Exit! I wonder where it exits to... I wonder if it would be bad to bring the book twilight, to the twilight. Is that like wearing a canadian tuxedo?

Canadian Tuxedo. Its very common. You can google it.

Vampires are Unreliable!

Where is Edward Cullen when you need someone to run you home from work on a snow day? GOSH. 

Bite me. afk

Twilight The Movie - 3rd Time's a Charm!

I've decided that everyone who feels compelled to go see Twilight must not stop once, or twice, but thrice shall I command all to revisit this movie (and by all means keep going after the 3rd if it suits you). As a seasoned viewer, I will relate to you my experiences each time, and why, in retrospect, seeing it 3 times was a good idea (besides the OBVIOUS reason, of course).

First Viewing

The first time you watch Twilight you may find it hard to swallow all the cheese. I mean, I like cheese, but I also know what happens when you have a cheese party with 30 different kinds of cheese, and try all of them twice. OUCH. My first viewing was extremely intense. The anticipation grew exponentially with each glass of wine I consumed beforehand, so when I actually got to see the movie, I spent most of the time scrunched down in my seat either in horror or excitement. 

The cheese was quite overwhelming, but I soon got over it. After all, it is a teenage vampire epic love story! If you feel that you couldn't take in a second viewing, you just need to take some time to embrace the middle school girl inside of you. I suggest printing out a picture from the movie of Edward Cullen and posting it on your wall for a week. Note: This is also a cure for many other ailments. 

Second Viewing

I think the second viewing was probably the best for me. I wasn't sure how I would react to the movie sober, or if my previous critiques would hold up. However, I knew when all of my favorite parts would come, I knew which parts of the book were left out, and I knew which parts were going to be painful. All in all, I was pleasantly surprised to find the movie had grown, aged if you will (keeping with the cheese theme here) and was much much better than the first time. A very magical experience. Also, a good time to pay attention to the soundtrack!

Third Viewing

Over-indulgence? Perhaps. I used this time to make note of many different things. First, Robert Pattinson has some great facial expressions, and delivers his lines really well, even the bad ones. I realized any problem I had with his version of Edward Cullen (really, there weren't many) had to do with pacing and script, not his acting... I think. Second, the cinematography is great. How do they know when to cut from over the shoulder to close up to portrait? Amazing.  Thirdly, the Cullen family is awesome. I also used this time to really compare the book and the movie, and decide what pros and cons there were, and what might cause plot hitches in later movies.  A very useful viewing, indeed!

Like I said, 4th and 5th viewings shall be left to your discretion. But what else is one to do on a cold winter afternoon? 

Stay tuned for future blogs: "Book vs. Movie", and "Twilight Wardrobe Trauma" (previews below)

"Book vs. Movie"

Movie Pros:

Edward's grey jacket

Book Pros:

"Your number was up the first time I met you" 

"Twilight Wardrobe Trauma"

You know where to find me when I'm afk!

Body Mutilation - book 4

This is what I have been thinking about lately. The explicit description of Bella's childbirth versus the lack of description of sex, which -- and this may be news -- is actually how babies are made in the first place! Why is one description more acceptable than the other? A baby slowly (though unintentionally) destroys Bella up until the actual moment of childbirth, which is a very violent event, with bones breaking, spinal chords snapping, projectile blood-vomit... oh yeah, and a C-section! This total mutilation of her body is accounted for second by second. Now flip back a few pages... to the part where both Edward and Bella claim to have the best night of their lives. Doing what? biting pillows? sitting in the ocean staring at each other? Wasn't this moment in their relationship almost as big a milestone as Bella being turned? Think about it. They had decided she would become a vampire before they decided they could have sex. So its a really BIG deal, right?

The author wrote the violent end of Bella's human life very well. If I hadn't already decided to distance myself from the storyline due to my own rather violent reaction to finding out bella was pregnant (her revelation and the chapter following it will require entirely separate entries), I probably would have been able to really get into the story and be really scared for Bella... but I digress. 

The whole series is about these two characters who have a painfully haphazard relationship. Most of the details are about how painful everything is, being apart, being together in a restricted sense, being together but risking everyone's life around them including each other's, blah de blah. The theme of restraint is arguably what makes the book so addicting in the first place. Repressed feelings and sexual tension, impossible love = page turner, right? Bella says it herself... the anticipation is sometimes more exciting than the action. But by the fourth book, we've moved into the realm of the not so subtle.  So when the author skips over the sex part and goes strait to "oops I'm a bit bruised", and the other morning-after consequences, it just doesn't seem to fit. Or maybe it does... maybe she's more about the consequences than the action. For every kiss, there are ten pages of descriptions of Edward's wild eyes and tense jaw, and oh yeah, he feels so guilty about it all that he's damned himself to an eternity of sweater vests and khaki (a failed attempt to dissuade Bella, perhaps?)

So maybe there is nothing to read into. Maybe the sex/pregnancy conundrum is just following the normal pathways of the book. Maybe these books weren't written for a women studies major to overzealously analyze. Maybe it has nothing to do with the deepset religious mores that many in the US grew up around -- pregnancy being punishment, sex being dirty, etc. Or maybe the entire series is one crazy moral lesson about the consequences of our actions? This is what happens when you trade the khaki skirt for a motorcycle helmet and start drinking caffiene! Of course I can only guess if the author meant for us to find these themes. I doubt whether Meyer was doing anything intentionally besides writing a great love story, but our subconcious rarely lets us escape such powerful cultural markers (*cough* mormonism *cough*). Which is probably why the books are so addicting in the first place. Who doesn't understand the woes of repression? 

But still... isn't the point that they stay together despite all of this because love is worth it? The happiness outweighs the pain? Shouldn't there be some accounts of intense joy for these two? Is it really so hard to describe a pleasurable experience in a non-graphic way (if that is really the issue here). A happy medium? 

Apparently snogging is ok, and attempting to seduce your vampire boyfriend is ok, and feeling frustrated is ok, and being ripped apart inside out from a demon baby is ok. But sex is something that we readers don't need to read, or shouldn't want to read, or are too young to read about. Sex is personal and private, but to my knowledge so is childbirth, especially if you're vomiting blood. And I don't think either can really be called "Adult" themes anymore. Isn't the whole point of a story to go through the person's experiences with them, to empathize (see future blog about Jacob's Chapter for more of my thoughts on this)? Weren't we all clumsily gawking with Bella, hanging on to Edward's every word, losing sleep over the anticipation of what would happen next? What did happen? 

Bella is so absorbed by pleasure that she doesn't remember anything.  The erratic memory doesn't surprise me (it is very bella). But for all the shortness of breath and heart stopping and hands gripping hair that we get with a liplock... really? Not even foreplay? I will say, the morning after descriptions were great, and if Meyer really wants to keep it a fade away from the sex type of book thats fine (maybe its difficult to put into words), but there are implicit routes she could have taken, to help the reader better understand this new dimension in the 1600 page relationship. Seriously!

I just have a hard time grasping what makes it ok for a girl to have her body torn apart, in detail, but not to feel pleasure, in detail. I mean, now we are just all going to have to imagine for ourselves what went on in that ocean! Right? Or maybe thats just me... afk.