Twilight: The Sitcom Episode 1

This week on Twilight: The Sitcom, Edward and Jacob join the wrestling team. What starts out as friendly competition turns ugly when the two start vying for the affections of head cheerleader Bella. Ultimately Edward wins (of course). He trades in his silver Volvo for a much cooler red scooter, making Bella fall madly in love with him.


Jacob finally learns that everyone is happier this way, and he and Edward continue their success on the Forks Bayside High wrestling team, and their friendship continues to deepen.

Vegetarians Indeed

So, if herbivores like deer don't smell as good to vampires as meat-eating mountain lions (who "smell more like humans"), then would Bella smell less tasty to Edward if she was a vegetarian?

Vampire Boyfriend. Mine

What really happened to Kurt Cobain?

I bet Alice and Edward were totally into the grunge thing. I bet Alice dug Kurt's fashionless fashion. She probably checked up on Nirvana in her visions to figure out which shows would be the best to attend.

I bet Alice dropped a vase when Kurt married Courtney. She probably wanted to change him then.

She probably convinced Carlisle that Kurt was doomed. He had no choice!

And how could Carlisle say no? Could he let such talent go to waste?

Edward would want in on some of that musical expertise.

They probably staged the whole death thing, for show.

I bet Alice saw Kurt's future.

I bet she saw me coming.

Happy 1 year, Kurt!

Can Edward Hear Her Stomach Growling?

Is Bella really a teenager? She's never hungry! Edward has to practically force her to eat her mushroom raviolis on their first date, and she generally isn't hungry at lunchtime in the school cafeteria.

Although, she usually shovels her food, so maybe she is hungry. Maybe she's just distracted by Edward and eating is just one more thing she has to do that does not involve him.

But maybe her disinterest in food is actually a gift, and one more reason why, when she is a newborn vampire she is able to resist/control her feeding instincts.

Question

Do Vampires get Belly button lint?

Vampires and Elves. Go!

Funny story.

It was just the other morning -- I was having a bit of trouble drifting off to sleep.

We all know that reading Twilight is a road that never leads to rest. I decided to curb my insomnia the old fashioned way... a Lord of the Rings movie marathon. Since I hadn't watched them in such a long time, this method didn't work either, but as I fell deep into the depths of Mordor an interesting thought occured to me. Vampires and Elves have a lot in common.

Commonalities:

Ridiculously Attractive

Have special powers

Heightened senses (sight, smell, hearing, etc.)

Super strong and fast 

Live forever 

Sort of reclusive - Don't really like to befriend humans

Think they are better than humans (with good reason)

Well dressed 

Great hair

Pale

Don't need sleep (I'm pretty sure I remember Legolas mentioning that. They rest, but they don't sleep. Maybe I am wrong. huh.)

Differences:

Elves don't need to drink blood... but I wouldn't put it past them.

Elves can choose to become mortal

Elves can't turn humans into Elves

Vampires can only be killed by fire (sort of like the one ring)

And now for the question we've all been waiting for. Who would win in a fight?

   vs   

Well, lets see... Edward is probably faster, maybe stronger, and more durable. I am unaware of Legolas having any special powers... unless stating the obvious counts, but I doubt that would help against a vampire. I think he pretty much relies on arrows and good looks. I wouldn't be surprised if Elves developed an arrow that could pierce Vampire skin, but without such a weapon, Legolas would either have to seduce Edward into the fiery depths of Mordor, or annoy Edward to death with his thoughts. 

I bet Lady Galadriel would be evenly matched against a vampire. She's pretty sneaky, that Lady of the Wood. I'm pretty sure she can tear people apart with her mind. 

Scary!

Join the Club - In Appreciation of Team Edward

Our friends have to love Twilight just as much as we do. They just do. Why? Well, does passing on the obsession somehow validate our own reaction to the world of Edward? Or do we just need a support system?

I know that I needed someone to exclaim to when Bella discovered she loved Jacob. I needed someone to tell me to power through, and provide other pep talks on the few occasions when I slammed shut "Breaking Dawn" and wanted to toss the book across the room. I needed someone (or ones) with whom to pre-func before seeing the movie. I needed someone to sit beside me at the movie, giggle, tremble, and hold hands, and hhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I love talking each new friend through the reading of the books. I love hearing that a friend's Mom happened to pick up the book I sent her, and can't put it down. I love getting the emails from Vicky, "She's pregnant?!" And then I get to toy with her and make her think it's a werewolf baby, just for funsies. I love discovering that someone I love, like my sister-in-law Annie, has also fallen in love with books on her own and needs no convincing from me that Edward is IT. (When we discovered this mutual obsession, we had to hug it out.)

It's very intense, this being in love with a fictional teenage vampire. I'm just so happy that there are others who feel the same way. Especially those who are willing (and obsessively compelled) to discuss it with me ad nauseum.

Yes, Yes I am Superficial

From time to time, I take a peek at The Superficial, an excellent website about our favorite celebreties. The writer is amazingly hilarious.

So of course, I had to perform a search on Robert Pattinson. I suggest you all do the same. With lines like
"a brooding metaphor for mormonism" and "roguishly stoned looks" how can you resist the read? And to top it all off -- "This guy is like Tickle me elmo for english majors."

Wine consumption might increase enjoyment.

After reading all the Robert Pattinson entries, I also suggest reading the entry about Kayne West in the nude. 

I am thinking the superficialist might have some great insight into this picture. Is that mesh?

I crack myself up

You know its bad when you look up synonyms for "stone"

A long time ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away

See the publicly acclaimed Lowell Blog for an exciting Twilight plot twist.

Comparing Favorite Literary Characters

	Fitzwilliam Darcy	Edward Cullen
Occupation	Man of consequence	Teenage vampire
Income	In possession of a good fortune	Probably richer than Darcy
Home	Pemberley, Derbyshire	Forks, WA
Age	28	17 going on 108
Character flaw	Pride	Self-loathing
Hobbies	Being disagreeable, hunting, brooding, swimming in ponds, fencing, repressing his feelings	Listening to and composing music, listening to the thoughts of strangers, peeping, hunting, brooding, driving fast, repressing his feelings
Turn-ons	Fine eyes, pert opinions	Human blood
Prefers	Brunettes	Brunettes
Instead of television, likes to watch	Elizabeth playing piano	Bella sleeping
Proposing marriage	Not so much successful on the first try.	Not so much successful on the first try.
Cinema Portrayal	Sideburns, wet linen shirt	Perfect hair, glitter skin
Dislikes	Giving consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men.	Not being able to read Bella’s mind.
Competition	A dashing scoundrel	A lovable teenage werewolf
Cutest quote	“By you, I was properly humbled….You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased."	“If I could dream at all, it would be about you.”
Biggest lie ever told	"She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me.”	“It will be as if I never existed.”

Vampires in our midst

These people have to be vampires. There is no other explanation. 

Chewbacca Logic: It doesn't make sense!

I have no answers to the questions I am about to pose. 

Twilight: Why does Edward wear a white button up sleeveless shirt? Yeah, I've worn one before. IN MARCHING BAND. effing polyester and tuba spittle! Seriously! The Volturi would surely bring the wives from the towers for such a horrid abuse of fashion. 

New Moon Plot: So, if I accidently tried to kill my brother's girlfriend, causing my brother to break up with her and move the entire family out of her reach to keep her safe... which of course breaks my brother's heart and makes him a pathetic shell of a man... wouldn't I feel a little guilty? And when my brother returns from Italy, after almost dying, wouldn't I STILL feel guilty? So my question is, where is the apology scene? Or do I just roll my eyes at my brooding brother for taking everything so seriously? Even Rosalie's apology was a little pathetic. Maybe vampires are just used to drama, and quick to forgive, but it seems like the entire family is just a little too relaxed about the whole situation. 

Eclipse/Breaking Dawn: If Rosalie is really bitter about being a vampire because she can't have children, then wouldn't Bella's situation just make her more bitter? Wouldn't she be extremely jealous that her vampire brother gets to have a family?

New Moon Werewolves: Special FX sneak peek

You want a lullaby? I'll show you a lullaby!

Do you think the vampire transformation would be more painful to Bella than being left by Edward? Or is it just a different kind of pain? I need to know this.

Vampire transformation is physically painful-beyond-imagining, but it is temporary. Bella knows the end is in sight. She is able to control herself and hold herself absolutely still & silent while she is enduring it. Like Edward says, "Mind over matter." Even when she thinks the pain of it might kill her, she is still and silent. This pain has always been, for her, worth risking everything.

Being left by Edward is emotional pain that manifests itself in physical ways: night terrors, sobbing, numbness, and physical pain to the point where Bella feels as if she has to wrap her arms around her body to prevent it from falling apart. This pain is unknown; Bella doesn't know when it will end, if at all. This pain is one that she has to carry with her day and night; she can't give over to the misery, but has to go on. Mind over matter won't let her escape this pain because the pain is emotional at its source.

What if your glittery soul mate left you for no reason and disappeared without even a trace? Ouch.

What if he bit you so you could be with him f-o-r-e-v-e-r? Bring the pain! I can take it!

Fashion Addendum

Since when were floor length khaki skirts considered utterly indecent? 

Especially since the other women in Edward's life have some pretty flashy outfits. Did I just say flashy? 

I like to think that vampires get completely bored with human ideas of modesty, and only wear clothes to blend in, or because fashion provides a distraction. Not because of shame. 

I feel like Rosalie should have a darker fashion style. She's a car fanatic... I bet she could pull off a modified greaser/rockabilly look.  Or a modern version of Olivia Newton John (read: no leather, vinyl, or poodles) . Or a madonna style punk rocker. She should probably also own a jumpsuit -- some sort of car garage/bruce lee hybrid. You know, to complement Emmets track suits. 

Actor Chosen for Jacob of "New Moon"