In a grueling battle of the unsavory (Queue "Family Feud" Theme music), Book Edward and Movie Edward face off in six qualifying categories, where their less palatable qualities fall under scrutiny: Wardrobe, Hair, Time Spent in Front of Mirror, Moves with the Ladies, Ed-words, and Expressions.
Let the Douche-offs Begin! (Winner takes Angel)
Wardrobe
Movie Edward doesn't stand a chance against Book Edward in this category. Tan Leather Jacket VS. Gray Peacoat? Sleeveless white button up VS. That's my t-shirt? clearly Book Edward takes the douche on this one.
Hair
Book Edward is described as having untidy hair (maybe this is because Bella can't keep her hands out of it). "Untidy" suggests a relaxed attitude when it comes to appearance, which in turn suggests a lack of douchery.
The bouffant/pompadour can go either way on the douchery spectrum: Yes, it suggests a certain affinity to various hair products. But the bold front with a ducktail dive in the back is reminiscent of Johnny Cash -- clean cut yet incredibly hardcore.
I am unable to come to a conclusion on my own, so I defer to a dear friend (if we were to meet, we would be friends... I am sure of it).
Since Robert Pattinson expresses such an aversion to Edward's bouffant, Mov-E = Douch-E
Time Spent in Front of Mirror
Both Edwards are very fast, we know this. But which one is faster when it comes to looks? We know that Book Edward only owns beige and other gag-worthy colors, so he probably doesn't worry much about making things match up... but is that untidy hair a practiced untidy? flip...flip... flip... aaaaaand done!
Movie Edward sports a high maintenance 'do, yet his wardrobe is refreshingly simple. Jeans and T-shirts (don't let them get in the dirt!). However, he does sport some cool sneakers, and I imagine he might spend a few minutes deciding which shoes go best with the particular cuts of his designer jeans. Movie Edward, you clearly stare at yourself in the mirror more often... I know I would...
Moves with the Ladies
Book Edward wins. Why? Because he acts like a douche. Movie Edward actually seems like a 17 year old boy that might actually want to make out with his girlfriend, and is really scared about it, rather than a condescending boyfriend who chuckles at his girlfriend's enthusiasm, and then freaks out. Oh yeah, and he winks at her... I know you're 107 years old, but take a lesson from Movie Edward and stick to the intense stares... waaaaay more captivating, way less douchey.
Ed-Words
Book Edward's smarfiest line = "Hmm, remind me to thank Alice for that." ~ about Bella's leg, fettered in high heels... and I thought he was concerned for her safety!
Movie Edward's smarfiest line = "You better hold on tight spider monkey"
Though the pet name is a bit... odd, it certainly doesn't match up with Edward giving his sister kudos for sexing up Bella. All Douche-nozzles point toward Book Edward!
Expressions
Book Edward expresses himself via copious chuckling, whereas Movie Edward keeps it all bottled up, with an occassional smirk. Sorry Book-E, but your chuckles give us the douche-chills.
Douche Tally
Book Edward =4
Movie Edward = 2
Congratulations Book Edward, you have won the D-Nozzle Trophy! And Congratulations Movie Edward, for losing! Just like that horrible reality TV show about being fat, sometimes it pays to be the biggest loser.
Yet even in the midst of all the douchery, the most chilling facts remain undiscovered.
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