What We Do Know: Part 18

"What a sick, masochistic lion."

Deer Mr. Pattinson

You are cordially invited to a TDH Sloppy Waffle Brunch

Yukata provided on arrival

Love,
Your new best friends at TDH

Deer Mr. Pattinson

It has come to our attention that you are very overstimulating.



Love,
Your new best friends at TDH

To Be continued...

New Moon Solo: A Ghastly Tune

We all know Edward to be a brooding, self loathing sort of vampire...

And so's his ghost!

Apparently his ghost is also musical. If I had to see Edward's ghost, I would prefer to have him sing a lovelorn ballad to me, and not just shout warnings like "Don't talk to werewolves!" or, "You left your lights on agaaaaain."

Brought to you, once again, by The Dutchess and the Duke

Lyrics to I Am Just A Ghost :
Don't waste your love on me,
Because tonight I'll be a ghost.

Don't hold me in your heart,
Because tonight I'll be a ghost.

Don't put your arms around me,
Don't tell me that you need me
'Cause I can't give you nothing that you need.

And if you think you know me,
I know it can't be easy
To look for something I could never see

Don't tell me it's all alright
'Cause everything inside is wrong with me.
Like a hunted thief that's hiding in the night
I'm stealing all the things that you want me to be.

And if you ever loved me,
You'll leave me where you found me.
And don't you let me catch you crying for me.

It's all I ever wanted,
And now I've finally got it,
And after all I'm just a memory.

Well I ain't got no hands and ears
And I ain't got no heart to love.
I ain't got no hand to hold
And it's enough to drive you crazy.
I ain't got no hand to hold
And I ain't got no ribs to hug
I ain't got no heart to love
And it's enough to drive you crazy.
I ain't got no hands to hold
And I ain't got no heart to love
I ain't got no heart to love
And it's enough to drive you crazy.
I ain't got no heart to love
I ain't got no hand to hold
And I ain't got no lips and eyes,
And it's enough to drive you crazy.

We know very little about Edward's Ghost's penis. We know he has no lips, eyes, hands, ears, heart or ribs, but...

What We Do Know: Part 17

"When we taste human blood, a sort of frenzy begins..."

Apparently it's frenzied. Anyone not frenzied after seeing the above photo? Hot!

Got Vitamin R?

What We Do Know: Part 16

No one could be still like Edward.

New Moon Duets: The Heartbreak Moment

Not many things are more barfing adorable than eternal love. But what about eternal heartbreak? xoxo panda makes a good case.

[Edward]

I used to think that being alone
would some how simplify my life
but I really know myself
I know I'm going to miss tonight

[Bella]

talking on the telephone
or having all the postage paid
will never make me feel as good
as walking on those riverbanks

laughing like two little kids
sitting in the back of class
only thing that's on my mind
is how to make this moment last

so I pull my camera out
and aimed it at your smiling face

[Edward and Bella]

all the while we hear the sound
of our time slipping away

[Edward]
used to think that being in love
would somehow complicate my life
but I really know my heart
and I can hear yours beat with (for) mine

pounding on piano keys
and strumming on those copper strings
will always make me feel like
you're standing right there next to me

[Bella]
singing like two little kids
and waiting for the rain to pass
only thing that's on my mind
is how to make this moment last

so I pull my feelings out
left them in your travel case
all the while we hear the sound
of our time slipping away

Awwww... BARF

What We Do Know: Parts 13, 14, and 15

" Edward stood beside me, casting no reflection, excruciatingly lovely and forever seventeen."

-Bella in New Moon

So what do we know?

It casts no reflection.

It is excruciatingly lovely.

It is forever seventeen.

Jokes From Wall Street

Q: Where does Edward invest all his money?

A: The stalk market!

A shocked Edward watches as his investment plummets into murky waters

Despite all of our investments, we still don't know quite enough about Edward's Penis

What We Do Know: Part XII

It's dangerous!

"I wanted a real honeymoon with Edward. And, despite the danger he feared this would put me in, he’d agreed to try." - Bella in Breaking Dawn

Freudian Screen Caps

Whatever floats your boat, Edward.

Pop Revelations XII: Volturi Theme Song

Thanks to Sydney, for bringing this to our attention.

The Dead of Night, Depeche Mode

We're the horniest boys
With the corniest ploys
Who take the easiest girls
To our sleaziest worlds

With our lecherous plans
In our treacherous hands
You'd be wasting your time
Saying no, it's a crime

All that we live for you'll regret
All you remember we'll forget

We are the dead of night
We're in the zombie room
We're twilight's parasites
With self-inflicted wounds

We are the dead of night
We're in the zombie room
Heavenly oversights
Eating from silver spoons

With our decadent minds
And our innocent lines
You'll be playing our games
With your bodies in flames

When delirious fun
Has seriously begun
You'll be down on your knees
You'll be begging us please

All we're demanding you'll supply
All we're accused of we'll deny

We are the dead of night
We're in the zombie room
We're twilight's parasites
With self-inflicted wounds

We are the dead of night
We're in the zombie room
Heavenly oversights
Eating from silver spoons

Aro, Caius, Marcus

The Voluturi know so much about Edward's penis and its powers that they will stop at nothing to recruit him.

Dedward

I just wanted to say, good job on making Edward look like he's about to keel over... But really people, do I need to be there for EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE? His eyes are supposed to be black with hunger.

Question: Does Edward stop eating the second he leaves Bella? I like to think so. It makes the story seem so much more miserable that way. Poor li'l Edward.

Even without food, it still sparkles.

Lucky!

What is it about her that makes cute boys want to get topless...


...and make out with her face???


Do you think she knows more than we do about Edward's penis?

New Moon Duets: Nothing To You

Sometimes, things happen. Sometimes Edward leaves and there's nothing left but hallucinations, emptiness, and bad behavior. It's excruciating and epic. And musical.

Nothing To You

Edward:

Well my kind's been around forever
And I claim to be one of the few
And the lost cause of words walks away with my nerves

Cause I’m gay as a choir boy vampire for you

Bella:
You got hair that recalls me of rivers
Runs softly while you I dream of you
But your heart is so cold that it shivers
Cause all that I know is I'm nothing to you

Edward:
And I followed you into the party
That no one invited me to
But alone I made love to sucked blood from my 40
And played make-believe it was you

Bella:

But I watched you forget your steal my belongings
Belongings you've got quite a few I had gotten from you
I filled up your my bags with my longings
And searched through this whole, wide city for you

And we'll walk 'neath the street lamps forever
You'll say you remind me of you

It's so damn cliche that it's clever
It's so fucking false, you think that it's true

Edward:

But I heard that you forgot that you were (a) lover
And lovers you've got one or two
But you can't tell one from the other

Now mama Bella now you’re nothing to you

Both:

And it's down by the riverside (wasting away)

And it's down by the riverside (beating the clay)

And it's down by the riverside (wasting away)

And it's down by the riverside (beating the clay)

What We Do Know:: Part XI

It's stealthy.

Robert Pattinson Inadvertently Endorses TDH!

I had no idea people could get so obsessed.
But it's not scary - it's amazing.
-Robert Pattinson

Sounds like someone wants to find out more about Edward's penis.

New Moon Duets: The Dutchess and The Duke

Sometimes when two people get separated, all they can do is sing it out.

The Dutchess and the Duke? Indeed

Resevoir Park

Bella:

Well I barely woke this morning on the cold ground by the sea.
And I opened up my eyes and those black clouds are all I see.
And I wonder if someone's up there,
If the black clouds can see me,

And the clouds keep rolling on in

The supersonic jet plane taking people everywhere.
Well, i wish that i could go there, I wish I could be somewhere.
But i know I'm still right here,
And I know here is still nowhere,

And the clouds keep rolling on in.

Edward and Bella:
Well tell me, what am I gonna do?
Tell me, what am I gonna do?
To make it clear.
So I can get my head straight,
I can see the sun.

Bella:
Well I went down to have my fortune told.
Well I went to see the gypsy to have my fortune told.
She said "You ain't got no future, you ain't never growing old,"

And the clouds keep rolling on in.

Well, how many times have I defied the cold clutches of death?
And how many times have I stopped short from taking that last step?
And every time I've tried to hurt you, I have only hurt hurt myself,

And the clouds keep rolling on in.

Edward and Bella:
Well tell me, what am I gonna do?
Tell me, what am I gonna do?
To make it clear,
Well I can't get my head straight,
I can't see the sun.
Tell me, what am I gonna do?
So I can see,
So i can be the same as everyone.

Edward:
Well, I hear them whisper,
Pounding, pounding in my head until it all sounds the same.
If I don't see the sun soon then I know I'll go insane.
And if this is where I belong,
Well how long will I remain?

Edward and Bella:
And the clouds keep rolling on in.

Well tell me, what am I gonna do?
Tell me, what am I gonna do?
To make it clear,
Well I can't get my head straight,
I can't see the sun.
Tell me, what am I gonna do?
So I can see,
So I can be the same, the same as everyone.
Tell me, what am I gonna do?
'Cause I can't see
And I can't be the same, the same as everyone.

Don't worry Bella. He haunts us too.

And We Thought We Were Dirty Old Women

The hottest hotties...the hottest teens to me are the uh....the Twilight fans.

-Robert Pattinson

Sleep is [not] for Suckers

There are probably 20,000 other posts I could be writing right now, but I am too tired to pen something witty about vampire sparkley bits. If you had to be me, you would say, "Holy Crow!' And then stab yourself in the face and hope a vampire comes to make you pretty...

Make me pretty!

Some of you may already know this, but I am one of those people. You know, the ones who don't quite operate along the same lines as the rest of the universe.

I will take full responsibility for leaving the lights in my truck on. But when I actively tried to fix the situation, was it my fault that my battery couldn't be charged with the basic car to car jump? Was it my fault that the police pulled up within seconds of Steve double parking on a 3 lane one way street? Was it my fault that my phone died before I could call roadside assistance?

Was it my fault that the box I used to prop open the door at work was too light?

Was it my fault that mall security didn't have a master key to let me back into the bakery?

I might be cursed, but at least the universe likes me enough to send a handful of competent people my way to help me out of my predicaments. But--

Oh, Hi Edward. I forget that you like to sneak up on people sometimes... What was that? No, no. I don't need you in all of my posts. GOSH. But still... [cue swelling orchestral music]

It might be nice

to have

someone like you

around

It might be nice

to be like you

When the sun goes down

I am young

But old enough to make

mistakes

I am fortunes fool

Pirite bright ahead

lights my path

Disaster is my wake

When the sun goes down

I have tried

many sleepless nights

to find a way

to change

Maybe I

should try to find a way

to stay

the same

When the sun goes down

eye to eye
let's make a trade
take your time
when you take my time
away

When the sun goes down

I would like, to know, what it is, that makes it sparkle

when the sun goes down

That's My (Wet) T-Shirt

The one thing Twilight is missing is a good old fashioned pond-diving scene.

Sure, the scene in question was invented for the Pride and Prejudice BBC mini-series, and appears nowhere in the novel itself. But Jane herself probably would have participated in the collective swoon heard round the world when ladies everywhere first viewed that scene. And sometimes book-to-film adaptations need to take some liberties in order to visually interpret what the narrative in the novel would have described to us. And gosh, what a perfect way to show Darcy's wealth (That's My Pond), vulnerability (mussed hair, caught unawares) and vitality (clingy trousers).

Just like Jane Austen fans enjoyed seeing Mr. Darcy's nipples, we members of Team Edward would appreciate a little wet t-shirt action please. Catherine "Rob is So Hot" Hardwicke attempted to oblige us with the brief scene in which Edward and Bella discuss vampirism. She certainly did her best to drench him with as much water as possible, while completely ignoring that one girl (whatshername? Beatrice? Beulah?). But alas, Edward was clad in a dark shirt and all we see is water trickling down his face. Nice, but not quite as iconic.

Oh well. Maybe there will be such a scene in the Breaking Dawn movie on the beach. In the mean time, we shall have to make do with these brilliant photographs.

This Joke Makes me Sick!

Thanks to my new roomies for this one!

Q: What do you give a vampire with a cold?

A: A coffin drop!

Dr. Cullen administers a "coffin drop" to soothe Edward's itchy throat.

Twilight Re-writes: Six Word Short Stories

Jean:
Twilight: Edward couldn't control himself. Bella dies.
New Moon: In Italy, Edward disrobes. Jacob watches.
Eclipse: Edward fancies Jacob's scent. They kiss.
Breaking Dawn: Feathery honeymoons create vampire-wolf babies.
Summary: Don't need six words. Edward sparkles.


AJ:
Tainted Love at first troubling whiff.
Liquid diet adds sparkle and luster.
Team Cullen engages in America’s pastime.
You/your mix tapes don’t suck.

German Daniel:
Edward penis. Bella penetration. Blood love.

Sydney:
Twilight: June 2, 2003: Stephanie develops insomnia!
New Moon: Edward leaves Bella to the wolves.
Eclipse: They pitch a tent for Bella.
Breaking Dawn: Wedding night surprise: Edward really sucks.




















Emilie:
Twilight: Bella can't stand Forks. Enter Edward.
New Moon: Flip to page 451.
Eclipse: Jacob who? Let's make out now.
Breaking Dawn: Taking the fun out of vampire.
Entire Series: Drugs, Sex, replaced by Khaki, Blood.

OK fans (who have not already contributed to this post.) What are your six word rewrites?