Guest blog: Matilda's Thoughts.

Note from the Editor: Matilda sent this to my on my birthday of birthdays, and I am very flattered by it. Thank you! 

Things that Emilie and Edward have in common (now with visual accompaniment!!!):

Look at how black my eyes are! But don't get too close... grrr

1.Sexiness

2.Cool hair

3.Someone I don't mind sharing my bed with muhahaha

4.has good taste

5.can be mysterious (all those long walks)

6.musical skizzles 

7.trouble maker

8.very good at a lot of different things (see point 6...and point 3 muhahahaha)

9. Will not be defeated by overwhelming odds (armies of mini-vampires, the Japanese language, the ancient undead, the ancient and unfortunately living patriarchy)

10. takes good care of others, even if they are far away

11. smarts

12. Sexiness

13. Part of a band (as vampire/as drummer)

14. makes their own way in a world that wants everyone one lifestyle fits all

15. a good friend to have -for the long days and for the danger at the door

oh my god! You like to smirk and wear sunglasses too?

Pop Revelations: Part III

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Edward's Theme Song

Edward likes cars, and 80's music. Put them together and what do you get? You get just what you needed (just what you needed!).  And The Cars clearly have some insight into what Edward needs. The Volturi left this hit alone after realizing that only drunk people in Karaoke ever actually pay attention to the lyrics.  

Well my friends, these lyrics are brought to you by drunk people who remember!

-Just What I Needed-

I don't mind you comin' here
And wastin' all my time
cause when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind
Its not the perfume that you wear
Its not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comin here
And wastin' all my time

I dont mind you hangin' out
And talkin' in your sleep
It doesn't matter where youve been
As long as it was deep, yeah
You always knew to wear it well and
You look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hangin' out
And talkin' in your sleep

I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to bleed

My Birthday Wish

I want to sit at their table

Just kidding! I'm not telling my real birthday wish! 

Demographics of Twilight Fans

Young Adult fiction? Really?

REALLY?

Overheard at a showing of Twilight during the first kissing scene:

YOUNG ADULT: Oh great. Here we go. Yuck.

ADULT: Shhh! Don't ruin this for Mommy!

Raise your hand if you are a grown woman and wretchedly in love with Edward Cullen.

Yeah, I thought so.

What Ifs

What if fate was less convenient? What if Edward's attraction to Bella was...inexplicable? What if she wasn't so pretty or good-hearted? Would Edward still come to love her?

What if she was a jerk, or really average, kind of like Jessica Stanley? Would he have simply given in to his instincts and put Bella out of his misery? Yes yes, he doesn't want to be a monster. But what if he could hear Bella's thoughts and they were super annoying?

Or what if the timing was bad? If he'd met her when she was an old woman and they had no time left, would Edward still have married her? Would he still have allowed her to be changed? Would he still insist that he had always found her to be dazzling? Seems a little awkward.

What if he had met her when she was a baby, instead of 17 like him? Would he have patiently waited out her childhood, like a werewolf who has imprinted on an inappropriately young person? Or would he have had a little snack, not realizing that baby Bella would grow up into the person he loves?

OR!

What if it wasn't Bella for Edward at all? What if Bella was the werewolf--Edward's sworn enemy and not at all delicious to him? What if Jacob was the ordinary teenager whose blood made Edward freak out, and whose thoughts were a mystery? What if Jacob was the danger-magnet Edward couldn't ignore? Who would Edward watch sleeping then, hmm?

A Picture Paints a little over 1000 Words...

Bella's Dream

At first I saw nothing.

The air was damp and muggy around me, causing my clothes to stick uncomfortably to my skin. But as I floated through the forest, the heaviness of the air could not quash the exhilaration from the inhuman speeds at which I moved.

Edward held me securely in his arms.

I could hear trees rustling around me as we moved, and felt my hair blowing back behind us.

I opened my eyes, looking for Edward's face.

The scene was not as carefree as I originally thought.

Edward's eyes stayed on my face as we stumbled through the forest, his beautiful face troubled. Tears ran down his cheeks, splashing across my face. I tried to tell him everything was fine, but I felt my eyes closing again. My body felt limp, like I had no control over it.

"Bella, no... don't leave me!" I heard him cry.

And suddenly my perspective changed -- I floated above Edward as he carried me, watching as he ran. I made an effort to catch up to him with the purpose of reanimating my limbs. I wanted to hold onto him, but he moved much too quickly. I could only follow as he sped through the jungle, wondering where he carried my lifeless body.

We burst into a clearing.

Edward paused before continuing slowly forward. His body sagged with exhaustion, broken sobs rocking me gently against his chest.

In front of us sat our destination -- an old dilapidated building, a murky white blotch against the dark night. I would have thought it an old shed, if not for the cross that sat slightly askew on the top of the building. As Edward approached the porch, a gust of wind caused the whole building to shudder. The cross groaned and tilted forward, announcing our entrance.

We stumbled inside, into more darkness.

When the door shut behind us, the atmosphere changed completely. The large, single room church felt musky and cool. I could smell the dust and the cobwebs with each breath.

Old wooden pews lined either side of the church hall, and an ornately carved pulpit loomed at the head.

There was another door -- an exit -- on the far wall behind the pulpit, but my attention was drawn to an enormous pipe organ, off to the left side. Nobody sat at it, yet a lone note echoed from the pipes, as if trying to fill the empty hall, to bring back a long lost congregation.

As I listened to the rhythm, I realized each note sounded in unison with my breathing. Though I no longer inhabited my body, my lungs struggled along with the organ, trying to bring me back.

Edward carried me up front, kneeling slowly in front of the pulpit and laying me down on the floor. He held my limp hand in his own, trying to coax life back into it. He brought it to his lips, whispering my name in between kisses. I could feel his lips on my skin, but could do nothing to reassure him. I could barely keep my lungs moving.

His lips pressed fruitlessly against my own. I tried flying back to my body, but ended up flying through both of us, only ruffling my hair, and his with the effort.

Edward looked up, searching wildly around him for the source of the breeze. His eyes passed over me several times, but he did not see, and finally turned back to the scene before him.

A final wheeze from the organ signaled my last breath.

I watched, but could not feel as my hand dropped from Edward's grasp.

I was completely separated now.

With a cry, Edward prostrated himself over my body.

Dust settled around him in complete stillness.

After a few moments of hovering anxiously next to Edward, I decided to take up residence over the old organ bench, hoping to bring air back into my lungs with a few notes. But my fingers ghosted through the keys, and persistence did nothing to change this fact. I perched over the keys and rested my chin in my hands, frustrated at my current state.

The silence broke again as a gust of wind battered against the door behind the pulpit, blowing it wide open. Edward did not move from his spot, but I craned my neck to get a better view. Something blurred through the entrance and paused just behind the pulpit. And angel. It had to be. Its fierce beauty matched Edward's. An angel, or a cullen -- to me the two were synonymous.

The creature surveyed the scene, glancing first at Edward and my body, and then toward the organ. When our eyes met, I knew it could see me.

Instead of moving toward the tragic scene, the angel came toward me.

"Bella, what are you doing here?"

"I came in with Edward." I said glumly, despite the odd calming feeling that emanated from the angel.

"I know how you got here, silly. But why are you still here?"

I stared at the angel blankly.

What kind of question was that?

"You know you can leave, don't you? You are free to do as you wish. no one will stop you." The angel's mouth turned up slightly at the corners, to encourage me.

I began to shake my head, "I don't want to go anywhere."

Now only one corner of the angel's mouth stayed upturned.

"Even now you are stubborn."

It sighed and sat down on the bench. I felt jealous of its corporeality.

"What is keeping you here? That?" The angel jutted a defiant chin toward the still life at the pulpit.

I jutted out my own chin in response.

The angels features softened. "So you will stay with him then?"

"Of course," I said, turning to gaze at his lifeless form, "Wouldn't you?"

It laughed at my confidence. "Of course you would. I'm not sure what I would do... It was thoughtful of him to bring you here though. Don't you think?"

When I didn't answer the angel continued.

"He's given you a choice. I think you should take it."

"Take what?"

The angel nodded toward the door.

"Not many of us get a choice you know."

I nodded, barely grasping what the angel wished to convey to me.

"Can he come?" .

The angel followed my gaze, "Oh, if he were to look up anytime soon, I suppose we would let him follow you, but he's very stubborn too. He probably won't move for a century, at least."

I settled into the keys. "I can wait."

The angel rolled its eyes at me now. "I'm not just going to leave you here. I'm not that patient."

I felt panic creep into my eyes. "But you said I had a choice!"

"You do."

"And it has to be either or?" I asked.

"Hmm, either now, or later I suppose. But later might never happen." The angel laughed at this confusing logic. "I see! Your choice is quite clear to me now."

"I'm staying." I confirmed.

"Do you like music?" The angel changed the subject, pulling the bench a little closer to the organ.

"Edward does," I said, perking up a little.

"Well, lets play something for him then."

The angels hands moved through me toward the keys. The sound that emerged once its fingers struck was not a wheeze, but rang clearly through the building as if we sat in a cathedral, not a small shed. It was impossible not to be swept into the chords. I closed my eyes and began to sway until a heaviness settled over me, making it difficult to move. My eyes fluttered back open, to find the source of the weight.

My vision blurred a bit.

It was hard to focus on the angel's face in front of me. I could tell that it hovered close to mine though, only inches away. He moved toward me, and I was sure that he would pass through me. This time, my body put up resistance to his touch.

My body, under Edward's.

I took a deep breath, moving our bodies with the effort. With my exhale, his arms constricted around me. I desperately stretched my now animated lips toward his.

I no longer needed an angel.

Edward Unites Women Everywhere: An Anecdote

Email from Vicky, in Salem, OR:

"Okay, the funniest thing happened this morning. I was in bed with the laptop reading Midnight Sun. The phone rang and it was some gal from Neilson ratings. Just before I hung up with her she asked me the craziest thing. She said she's been reading "those Twilight books" and she wondered if I lived anywhere near where it was filmed or took place. I laughed! I said that most is near Seattle which is a few hours away but part was filmed here in Oregon. Then I mentioned how it was funny she mentioned Twilight as I was just reading Midnight Sun. Which she had not heard of. So I told her about it and how she had to go to the author's website and find it. Had to. She said she was going to and happy she had two days off."

Edward Uses the Force.

You WILL Be My Valentine

Vampires Are People Too

Do you think that the New Moon movie will be told entirely from Bella's perspective, consistent with the book? Or will they give us a glimpse of a miserable Edward, separated from Bella? The moviemakers had better throw us a bone. They must do something extra special for us, since this book involves a shocking lack of Edward throughout.

Maybe they will break some of the Twilight vampire rules and let Edward have stubble for his tortured New Moon moments. They SHOULD. And maybe give him a few bad habits. Yesssss!



A vampire's self-destructive behavior should involve more than taking one's shirt off in Italy (even if said vampire is hot and bedazzle-icious). Give us some cheap burbon and cigarettes, people! Maybe throw in some dark circles under the eyes (which is, afterall, Twilight-approved).

Twilight: The Sitcom, Episode 2

This week on Twilight: The Sitcom --

Edward and Bella are on a break. Edward focuses on his music to escape the pain, writing lullaby after lullaby for Bella on his awesome Casio keyboard. His mopey songs annoy his family, and finally Alice begs Edward to break out of his funk and go have some fun with her, for old time's sake.







Predicting that he will indeed have fun, Alice convinces Edward to take her out on the town. He reluctantly admits that their brother-sister dance routine does improve his mood.



In one final attempt to cheer himself up, Edward gets a monkey named Jacob. The smell is off-putting, but Edward can't help but chuckle at Jacob's antics, and feels just a little bit better.


Next week on Twilight: The Sitcom, the Cullens go to Prom. Could they be any prettier?

Pop Revelations: Part II

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Sweden 

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Some anomalies are just better understood through the lens of vampirism. With lyrics like "I ran a long long way from home, to find a heart that's made of stone," the madness all begins to make sense!

Of course, the Volturi are well aware of the visibility of Roxette, but after reading their lyrics the powerful three guessed that few would ever be able to pick out the vampiric references amongst the silliness. Besides. They are from Sweden. No one takes them seriously. Except me.

Joyride

Irrelevant lyrics italicized (volturized?) for hilarity

I hit the road out of nowhere,

I had to jump in my car

And be a rider in a love game

Following the stars,

Dont need no book of wisdom,

I get no money talk at all.

She has a train going downtown,

Shes got a club on the moon

And shes telling all her secrets

In a wonderful balloon. ????

Oh shes the heart of the funfair,

Shes got me whistling her private tune.

And it all begins where it ends,

And shes all mine,

My magic friend.

She says:

Hello, you fool,

I love you,

Cmon join the joyride, 

Join the joyride.

(I am sure this is relevant somehow...)

she's a flower, i can paint her, ?

she's a child of the sun, 

we're a part of this together, 

could never turn around and run. 

don't need no fortune teller 

to know where my lucky love belongs oh no.

cos it all begins again when it ends, 

and we're all magic friends. 

she says: hello, you fool, i love you, 

c'mon join the joyride, be a joyrider

The best part, is where they randomly shout "Roxette" near the end of the song. 

So, what is a joyrider? 

A Pop Revelation

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The 80's

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Originally "Bad Medicine" was a song about vampires, but the Volturi stepped in, informing Bon Jovi that he would be ripped to pieces if he sang the original lyrics. As you can see, I have the original version right here! Only a few key words were altered, and with those in place, one can see how the rest of the song is clearly relevant. Edward probably sings it all the time.

Your blood is like bad madicine

Bad medicine is what I need

Pump it out, just like bad madicine

There ain't no doctor that can

Cure my disease

I ain't got a fever got a permanent disease

It'll take more than a doctor to prescribe a remedy

I got lots of money but it isn't what I need

Gonna take more than a shot to get this poison out of me

I got all the symptoms count 'em 1,2,3

First you need

That's what you get for falling in love

Then you feed

You get a little but it's never enough

On your knees

That's what you get for falling in love

And now this boy's addicted cause your scent is the drug

I don't need no needle

To be giving me a thrill

And I don't need no anesthesia

Or a nurse to bring a pill

I got a dirty down addiction

It doesn't leave a track

I got a jones for your jugular

Like a monkey on my back (monkey reference wtf!)

There ain't no paramedic

To save you from this attack

I need a respirator cause I'm running out of breath

You're an all night blood donator wrapped in khaki sweater vests

When you find your medicine you take what you can get

Cause if there's something better baby well they haven't found it yet

Amen.

The Young Adult

Edward holds Bella in safe, non threatening ways.

I feel like the publishing world is monstrously out of touch with youth. I'm not really one to judge -- when I was considered a young adult, I also was out of touch. I feel that I started middle school at age 40 and steadily regressed in age. I now have the humor of a 12 year old boy, and the giggles of a 12 year old girl (although, most 30 yr olds have my sense of humor, so maybe we should redefine our understanding of age). But I digress...

More specifically, these people are out of touch with Women. Girls, Females, Ladies. Whatever. 

Guess who else is out of touch? Stephen King. 

I am too lazy to quote anything, so read This article. 

OK, if you are as lazy as I am, you probably won't click on the link, so I will paraphrase poorly as I go. 

First off, King takes a crack at Meyer's writing style. Fine, whatever. They're in the same business, and that is his professional opinion.

 But soon after, he takes a crack at psycho-analyzing the young adult female. Apparently Twilight is so appealing to girls (my emphasis, King's oversight of the fact that Twilight appeals to the adult female as well) because the sex is presented in a non-threatening manner. 

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Well excuuuuuse me for not jerking off to the latest Jerry Bruckheimer crime series. 

Apparently I should have checked with Mr. King -- now an expert on female sexuality -- before finding all that covertly sexual sexless sexiness... sexy. Apparently, young women are not ready to deal with all those naughty feelings that come along with being attracted to someone, and that is why we like a story to remain subtle. 

Or maybe (and I'm going out on a vibrating limb here) all that subtlety causes the feelings in the first place you moron! 

P.S. Do you know what a clitoris is? Just checking.

Perhaps the article is unfair. It is very short. Maybe they just took a few enticing samples (Rita Skeeter style) and thus morphed King's in-depth analysis of why a girl might have a hard time dealing with themes of sex and sexuality while going through puberty. Like, how women historically have been discouraged from understanding that we too, have libido. Like how women are presented with two choices. Slut or Prude. And maybe, just maybe, women enjoy subtlety, not because we are afraid of our feelings, but because it circumvents those two restrictive, derogatory terms. A sneaky way to sex.  Oh wait, that's not King talking. That's me. 

In my very first TDH post, I too wondered at Stephenie Meyer's choice to make the novels squeaky clean. I am pretty sure a lot of it had to do with publishing restrictions. The publishers probably have some sort of weird Young Adult guideline that fits the teenage market about as well as an abstinence only sex ed class. Really, the guidelines exist to make the product marketable to the parents who will be looking for acceptable reading material for their kids. That is my humble opinion.

I am convinced that Stephenie Meyer tamed the books down a bit for the young adult crowd, but the books are still riddled with complex themes.  Stephen King calls the sex in Twilight a "safe joining of love". What is so safe about having a boyfriend that refuses to sleep with you because he is afraid it might kill you? That is a heavy, dangerous theme right there. Also, having a boy watch you while you sleep without you knowing? Slightly creepy. But Edward is a character of strong moral fiber, second only to Harry Potter (Harry Potter has a cleaner track record when it comes to killing), and readers soon understand that he isn't the dark, lurking character at all (though he certainly can be dark, and he does do a lot of lurking). Not the one you think of when you see a poster of a "dame" looking over her shoulder into a dark alley... an alley that is supposed to strike fear in our hearts at the same time that it excites us. Does it bother anyone else that a message that hints toward succumbing to the thrill of a stalker is considered 'safe', yet a sex scene between two consenting adults is too 'dangerous' for young readers? What if Edward was a wrong-side-of-the-tracks teenage vampire? Would that make the stalking less appropriate?

 

In conclusion, this post has absolutely no core train of thought. Everyone is dumb. Also, the women I know who enjoy Twilight don't strike me as having trouble dealing with all those feelings. 

You know what I think? I think King is just embarrassed because Edward's icy touch makes him hot and bothered. What what!

Vampires: Now Available in Hypercolor

Glitter Skin - OUT

Edward, Have you been out in the sun all day?

Wait, wait... is that a handprint?

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Twilight - Directors Cut? I'm crossing my fingers.