Blood Pun

A human walks up to a vampire.
Human: I'm having a bad day. Got any advice?
Vampire: Hey! Be Positive!

Get it? eh? EH?

Pop Revelations Part X: Now That's a Sweater...

If you want to destroy my sweater
(pause for fainting, dramatic effect)
...
...

Just pull this thread as I walk away
watch me unravel
I'll soon be naked
lying on the floor
I come undone

I bet you didn't see that one coming (twhs).

What do we know about the Volturi? Well, we know even less about them than we do about something else that we know 10 things about (not to be confused with 10 things I hate about you.) They hail, stylistically, from classic bloodsucking fiends; Dark, powerful, eeeeevil. Oh yeah, and European.

We also know, through various revelations, that the Volturi often step in to make sure the secrets of their world go undiscovered. What is stopping them from also using pop culture to relay messages to their vampire friends? And how do you think these dark, classy vampires felt when they discovered that Edward, son of their good friend Carlisle, marred the good name vampire by covering it up in a beige knit pullover sweater? Exactly.

Pop Revelations. We've got ten of them.

What We Do Know, Part X

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame." -Aro

Apparently we know a little something about Carlisle's penis too.

Thats What He[hehe] Said

"Its cold and hard... and it casts rainbows in the sunlight"

What We do know Part IX

"It's kind of giving me whiplash"

That's what HE said (TWHS)

Yes, you've all heard of That's what she said. But as Jean so kindly pointed out, sometimes, "That's what he said" is a more appropriate response. Did we just blow your mind? Good. Now, lets try this out. 

Ready? 

OK... GO!

"I've given some to Alice and Esme both, so clearly this is not a big deal"

...

Yeah, that is what he said.

That's What She Said (TWSS)

The logic behind this series is simple. We at TDH, dedicated to your constant amusement, will scour the Twilight Saga for potentially inappropriate sentences and phrases, and post them. Your job is to say (hopefully out loud, in a crowded office) That's What She Said (TWSS)! 

Ready?

Ok... GO!

"He must have been eager... because human velocity was not fast enough for him"

That's What She Said!

Good Job. 

Birthday, of the Pattinson Variety

Dear Rob,

Hi, How are you? Well, its your BIRTHDAY so you should be having a great day. What was that? You ARE having a great day? Well, what about tomorrow? And the next day? Its not your job to think that far ahead. That's our job. Here at TDH we have come up with a few gifts that keep on giving, some tried and true recipes to make life great for days to come!

Specimen 1: Screaming Twihard

What is a Twihard? Does it have something to do with something we know very little about? Perhaps not. Perhaps it is just a nickname adopted by innocent, screaming fans -- now in liquid form! 

After one of these, you'll be screaming too... 

The Screaming Twihard (measurements approximate):

1 oz Tequila (I am lucky enough to have Patron. You might not be so lucky... but you are welcome to have some of mine)

1/2 oz Vodka: Regular or Raspberry

Top off with 1 oz Coke: Plain or Cherry

What's that you say? It smells like your high school girlfriend? EXACTLY.

Note: I just tried this. It actually wasn't quite as terrible as I thought it would be. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT drink the tequila/raspberry vodka mixture without the coke. 

Specimen 2: Fanpire Elixir

A long day of encounters with Screaming Twihards (liquid or otherwise) might leave you feeling weak and exhausted. Let us direct you toward the perfect cure:

The Fanpire Elixir:

Handful of Mint Leaves

Juice of one Limey... er... Lime

2 t sugar

A few raspberries 

Rum 

Tonic

In highball glass full of ice, muddle the mint, lime, sugar, and raspberries. Add the rum. Stir or shake. Top with Tonic or Club Soda. 

Mint is known to be relaxing and rejuvinating, especially when combined with alcohol. Pitcher sized portions are a recommended for particularly tiresome days. Amen

Note: I just found a mojito recipe that uses gin. GIN! 

Specimen 3: Superhuman Moron

Some days are just really bad. Sometimes, donning that peacoat just makes you feel like a moron. We are here to tell you that you are not. All you need is some liquid courage! I recommend a flask of spiced rum or whiskey. Either will taste pretty good on their own, and can easily be tipped into a glass of soda. Besides, what are peacoats for, if not to conceal something tasty and forbidden? That's right, I said it. 

Superhuman Moron:

1 flask of spiced rum or whiskey

1 peacoat

1 glass of preferred mixer (optional)

Hide flask in coat. Take out and drink when no one is watching. Spike other people's drinks, just for funsies. 

Specimen 4: Hey, That's your T-shirt 

It just wouldn't be a birthday if you didn't wake up the next day with little memory of the night before, and even less clothing. A drink, to T-shirts everywhere!

That's My T-Shirt

Well, that's all we've got up our sleeves for now. 

Love,

TDH

Edward's Wardrobe, Revised

Fixed.

More Twilight Jokes

Q. What do vampires like to do on arts and crafts day?

A. Cut and Taste

What We Do Know, Part VIII

It never sleeps.

Not at all.

Which Twilight Vampire are you?

Forget those other Twilight quizzes! Mine is way more awesome. Feel free to pick the answers that will land you the vampiric identity you wish to be (as I think they might be obvious). Or, you know, choose the ones that are most like you. Whatever. 

1. You are going shopping for a new wardrobe. Where do you go?

a. Goodwill, or a cool vintage shop, or I just take the clothes from the last person who... well.. 

b. Forever 21 

c. I wear what Alice tells me to... sadly. 

d. I have a tailor

e. The internet. 

f. Big 5 Sporting goods

g. I design my own clothes

h. I take all the good clothes that Alice picks out. heh heh. 

2. You are hungry. What do you eat?

a. I prefer the ones that walk on 2 legs. 

b. That annoying dog that always barks when I walk by. Woof no more!

c. Lions... or Bel- nooooo *self loathes*

d. meh, they all taste the same these days. 

e. Moose

f. Grizzly

g. It depends on who I'm hunting with.

h. meh, they all taste the same these days. Though I've never tried monkey. 

3. Your friend did something uncouth. What is your reaction?

a. lets make out!

b. I snort and say I told you so 

c. I disapprove, but secretly wish I could do something uncouth

d. shrugs

e. I offer words of comfort... but threaten to hurt them if they ever do it again. 

f. In 200 years, we'll laugh about this!

g. After making sure the consequences aren't dire, I tell them to move on already!

h. I tell them to take it easy for awhile. 

4. You just got back from a hunt. You feel...

a. satisfied

b. like punching Edward for eating all the good ones

c. slightly cheered... but the darkness will come again soon. hhhhh

d. hunt? Why would I chase something when I could have it brought to me?

e. ready for loooove

f. ready for a shower and a change of clothes

g. slightly giddy

h. not. satisfied. 

5. You have a loved one. What endearing term do you use for them?

a. rubikins

b. monkey man 

c. umm, love? thats a good one, right? 

d. I do not speak of love. 

e. human

f. Huntress

g. scarzipan

h. You don't want to know. no really.

6. When the sun is out, you

a. take the chance to wash and dry my clothes in the nearest river/lake.

b. go for a joy ride

c. sparkle! And frolick. Always both. 

d. The sun still rises, does it? hmm. interesting

e. wait for night. The best activities are at night. 

f. go for a joy ride. 

g. hastily pull out a summer outfit, for everyone, and demand a family outing

h. persuade everyone to do their own thing, so that I am the only one who is available for the "family outing". heh heh. 

7. When you are angry, what do you do?

a. kill someone

b. I might kill someone. I've done it before. 

c. I break stuff. 

d. I try to irritate my brothers

e. I make sure anyone who touches me regrets it

f.  I will fight you!

g. Make wild predictions

h. snarl

8. What is your favorite color?

a. blood red

b. blood red

c. beige, no blood, no beige... no... agh!

d. blood red

e. blood red

f. blood red

g. blood red

h. blood red

If you chose mostly a: You are Victoria

-you know what you want, and you know how to get it. You like to stay on the move, and you don't care much for fitting in. You act on impulse and don't have time to be bothered with the consequences! Life may not be short, but you prefer to keep in the fast lane all the same.

If you chose mostly b: You are Rosalie

- You are a strong, confident individual. You have been known to hold grudges, which makes you difficult to be around at times. But you don't care what other people think of you, because you know you are the best. At everything. All the time

If you chose mostly c: you are Edward

- You are a strong confident individual... in public. But those that know you are quite aware of your many insecurities. Your quiet manner makes you appear haughty, but when in the company of close friends or family, you are known to be pleasant -- like a dry martini. You often wish for a more carefree existence, but are caught up on rules that cause much anxiety, and result in many a buzzkill. You mope a lot. You would probably be happier if you could spend more time in the Sun. 

If you chose mostly d: You are Marcus

-You are an old soul. An old, bored soul. 

If you chose mostly e: You are Kate

-You are a well balanced vampire! You've had your days, of course, when it seemed that the sun would never set, but now that you've got your way of life figured out, you are going to enjoy it! You are quick to spread joy, and slow to anger (as it has painful consequences to those you love), but also don't hesitate to dole it out if it is needed. 

If you chose mostly f: You are Emmett

-You are ready for pretty much anything. Sticks and stones can't break your bones, and words are pretty boring. You are a loyal friend, and though you may not always understand the decisions of the people closest to you, you will always have their back. Your strengths are best manifested in physical activities... and that last sentence probably made you snicker. 

If you chose mostly g: You are Alice

-Your special mind powers have given you a depth of understanding that many who are much older than you will never achieve. Your weirdness is endearing, and makes you fun to be around, especially in a world that appears dull and static to your kind. Always the life behind the party, you try to brighten the world around you, though sometimes, sometimes you take advantage of your abilities, to manipulate people into the palm of your hand. You are known to laugh maniacally, to yourself. 

If you chose mostly h: You are Jasper

-You grew up fast, you grew up hard! You have honed your instincts, and they are usually right. You are a natural leader, but don't mind taking the backseat -- no fights for alpha male here! Your charisma makes it easy for you to make friends, but you prefer to keep the inner circle a small one. By surrounding yourself with others of strong character, you can be sure to engage in some scuffles here and there, but this only increases respect on both ends. 

So, which vampire are you? 

What We Do Know, Part VII

"Edward's very fast." -Esme

"I hope you enjoy disappointment." Edward, to Bella

Pop Revelations IX: Kevin Smith to Direct Breaking Dawn.

Jake and Silent Bob Strike Forks!

Thank you Sydney.