Team Deer Thanksgiving Special: Omnibus of thanks

First off, where would we be without the Easy Jasperilla? sober and flustered, that's where!

At least with the Easy Jasperilla we aren't sober...

Boys that smile.

at me.

Photographers...

Who know what we like

Rain...

It's good for farmers and Robert Pattinson

Boys

What?

Art House films...












And the invention of creative liberty


Screenwriters

Who make this guy quote Shakespeare

Inguinal Crease

And sparkle nipples

Sparkles

In general

So, readership. What are you thankful for?

Team Deer Celebrates Thanksgiving

Every year, my parents would make us go around the table and say something we were thankful for. In preparation (and to avoid any embarrassing confessions around the dinner table) I have decided to continue the tradition right here!! We at TDH have many, many things to be thankful for:

The Ghost of Edward

Without you, those 400 pages would have been even more painful.

Vitamin R

Both Kinds

And also a coconut.

Stay tuned for more things we are thankful for!

Team Edward

Yeah.

Who Loves Edward the Most?

We do!

What we had that that dumb girl ahead of us didn't have:

• Solidarity! Where were her friends?
• Ukelele skillz.
• Burritos.
• Peanut butter and Jacob chocolates.
• Singing, in rounds.
• We also had a certain je ne sais sparkle.
• Forbidden Fruits conversation hearts.
• A top secret and painstakingly organized seating strategy, using a failsafe multi-team approach. Don't be afraid to use your elbows!
  

Deer Jean

Thank you for holding my hand and making sure I didn't lose my tickets/wallet/ukulele.

Oh. And you're welcome...

Great Expectations!

Bella waits expectantly for what seems like eternity

Deer Friends,

Happy New Moon Day! Wishing you a great paper cut, and many many hot seething vampires in your future!

May your luck be better than Bella's.

Team Deer!


P.S. In case you were wondering what seething hot looks like

New Moon Countdown: Commence Swooning

Mr. Pattinson works himself up for his big premiere:

"I'm the belle. I'm the belle of the ball. Today's my big day."

Still not Jammies

So not jammies.

New Moon Preparedness: 3 Days, 3 Ways

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.


Indeed!


Premiere weekend is upon us! And if you are smart, and not lucky enough to have the stamina of a vampire, you have already decided to take the day off on Friday after being up all night long with Edward. It just makes good sense. That means you have a three day New Moon weekend, and what could make more sense than to prepare for every contingency. Your friends at Team Dear show you how.* We have co-opted the public service motivational campaign urging you to prepare for New Moon emergencies and disasters for a minimum of 3 days.

Step 1 - Make a Plan!

How will your group meet up and stick together? It is important to plan in advance: how you will contact one another; how you will get back together; and what you will do in different situations. You will want to identify a group leader, or co-leaders. Be sure every member of your group knows how to get in contact with one of the team leaders. You might want to program one of their phone numbers into your cell phone as TDH (Team Deer Hotline).

Depending on your circumstances the first important decision is when will you go? Will you see the movie once during premiere weekend? Twice? Thrice? You may want to visit the theatre in advance to plan your lining-up strategy. Will you buy popcorn and diet coke? Will you share or each get your own? Make sure each member of your group is well informed about all possible contingencies. Drawing a diagram is helpful.Get together well in advance of New Moon Weekend to conduct drills.

Step 2 - Get a Kit!

When preparing for a New Moon emergency situation, it's best to think first about the basics of survival: beverages, snacks, and warmth.

Recommended items:

• Beverages! I'll say no more.
  
• Snacks - at least a 3 day supply.
• Music may be critical to your survival. Check local ordinances; your city may only allow acoustic instruments. Bring small ones, like a ukulele.
  
• And also a coconut.
• First aid kit: smelling salts, extra underwear.
  
• Whistles and/or flares to signal for help.
• A copy of the New Moon book.
  
• Moist towelettes, hand sanitizer. (Have you seen some of the questionable types on Team Edward?)
• Cell phones
• Portable swooning couch.

Our deer Mr. Pattinson is prepared. Are you?

Step 3 - Be Informed!

Knowing what to do during an emergency is an important part of being prepared and may make all the difference when seconds count. Are you prepared?
Because we aren't!


*We reserve the right to withold important strategic information and geographic details so as not to ruin our own enjoyment of New Moon by giving you mad New Mooning skillz to compete with ours. We may withhold details about Edward's penis.

New Moon Duets: Crush

If Edward and Bella have anything in common, it is their flair for the melodramatic...

Crush by Garbage with guest appearances by The Ghost of Edward

-Edward and Bella-

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine

-Bella-
I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear

-Edward-
I will pray for you
I will pray for you

-Bella-
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

-Bella-
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
-Edward-

You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

-Bella-
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart

-Edward-
I will lie to you
I can steal from you

I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're [can't be] like me

-Bella-

Violate all my love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
-Edward-

You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

-Edward-
I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal [cars] for you
-Bella-

I would wait for you

I'd [hallucinate] you
-Edward-

I'd [hide in your room] for you
I'd [sparkle] for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
-Edward-

'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

What Aro Knows About Edward's....you know

"I’ve never felt anything like it myself." (twhs!)

New Moon Solo: Bella

What's in Canada? Not only were the cast & crew of New Moon and Eclipse there, but Barenaked Ladies. In this folksy ballad, Bella sings to Jacob. So sad.


For You

I have set aside everything I love [Edward]
I have saved everything else for you [Jacob]
I cannot decide what this doubt's made of [duh, it's Edward]
Though I thought over it through and through [I think about him constantly]

In a book in a box high upon a shelf
In a locked and guarded vault [Edward hid my stuff really well]
Are the things I keep only for myself
It's your fate but it's not your fault

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

There is nowhere else I would rather be,
but I can't just be right here
An enigma wrapped in a mystery,
or a fool consumed by fear

And for every useless reason I know
There's a reason not to care
If I hide myself wherever I go
Am I ever really there?

I will give you all I could ever give
Though it's less than you will need
Could you just forget, if you can't forgive
All the things I cannot concede

If Edward hides his penis everywhere he goes, is it ever really there?

Plot Holes: Suicidal Edward?

Edward wouldn't dash off to Italy right away.

When he discovers that Bella is suddenly dead, he would assume he is no longer a danger to her and would allow himself to go back to Forks. Just to make sure.

You know he couldn't stay away!

Edward pouts.

He is such a masochist. He would go back to Forks to see for himself Bella's cold dead body. He would feel guilt at causing her death, and regret at not turning her into a vampire, and then guilt for wishing he had turned her into a vampire, and on and on. He would totally punish himself by feeling the full extent of his grief. And he would probably spend a few years wallowing in pain before dragging his sorry, sparkely ass to Volterra.

A Drawing From a Fan

You know it's bad when your 11 year old niece is humoring your Twilight obsession.

Thanks, Sophie!

What We Do Know: Part 33 Version Jean

Bella: It's unreal. This kind of thing just doesn't exist.

Edward: It does in my world.

And they aren't talking about climbing trees.

Or....are they?

It's unbelievable.

See? We're mostly on the same page... mostly

What we do know: Part 33 Version Em

"This is unreal. This kind of stuff just doesn't exist"

"It does in my world."

I'm pretty sure they aren't talking about the trees.

Its unbelievable.

Stay tuned to see Jean's version of What We Do Know, which is unintentionally exactly the same as mine but from a different angle.

Token Team Jacob Post

In case any of you are keeping track, this is a post that doesn't mention Edward (dammit) about which the main focus is not Edward, nor Robert Pattinson.

Werewolves are cool!

• Once they mature, they can either choose "forever" or they can control their phasing and return to a normal life.
  
• In a pinch, they can fill in for a space heater.
• They can be in love with a girl without resorting to creepy stalker tactics.
  
• They put off a more lovable, sunshiney vibe than vampires.
• Automotive repair skillz.
• They're naked a lot.
  

But in all fairness, werewolves have some issues:

• Pack mentality.
  
• Sometimes it's creepy who they love.
  
• They smell like dogs.
  
• They don't sparkle, per se.
  
• Even werewolves can be intimidated by Edward Cullen, bouffant hair and all. Hisssssss.

I wonder what werewolves know about Edward's penis?

Reconciliation

Okay Jean. You win.

Really! I'm 100% okay with Robert Pattinson putting a belt around his jammies and calling it an outfit

Dear Jean

Observe: Pant/shirt combos with high douche-factor

Deer Emilie,

These are pajamas.

Make Up Post

Our fight really really bothered someone, and made him feel personally responsible.

It kept him up at night (TWSS!)

It made him want to run away.

Come back! Come back!








He started to take drastic measures.


But we got to him in time, made up, and it's all better now.

After all, it doesn't really matter what he's wearing, because its all going to end up in the same place...

We're in a Fight: I'm right.

I knew it was a bad idea. Usually when these magazines with Robert Pattinson doing photo shoots where he pretends to be my boyfriend come out, I resist purchasing them, and only look at the pictures online.

Today Jean and I braved the mocking smirks of bookstore cashiers in order to purchase the Robert Pattinson magazine, officially named "Vanity Fair" or something. Maybe you have heard of this magazine.

ANYWAY.

Despite Jean's efforts to distract me by playing Twilight in the background, I will state my case!

Photographic Specimen A:

Me: They're Pajamas

Jean: No, its some sort of suit thing.

Me: Yeah. Its a suit... for bedtime

Jean: No! Look at this other picture! Its an outfit

Me: No its not

Jean: Yes it is

Me: Not

Jean: Is

I confess, I made a bold move -- an underhanded move. I consulted Michael.

Michael: Those look like pajamas to me (THANK YOU!) or maybe cabana wear?

I can see how these linens might be construed as casual beach wear. However...

Note:

- The stripes!

- The matching top and bottom (twss)!

- Despite the fact that he probably shouldn't be wearing anything to bed, I think it is very clear that these are traditional nighty night clothes.

- And there is a blanket.

- And a cigarrette.

- AND cheap beer... classic bedtime accoutrement!!!

Why Jean? WHY?

We're In A Fight: Not Jammies

We at TDH are smack dab in the middle of our very first fight. Emilie's outrageous claims have created a rift in our relationship that may be irrepairable. Knowing what I now know about Emilie's refusal to use common sense and reason, I am amazed that we have managed to go this long without some sort of conflict.

What, you ask, did she do that is so reprehensible?

Exhibit A: Hot magazine photo.

"These are not my jammies."

This picture clearly shows some sort of preppy pant/shirt combo. While it's undeniably douchey (sidebar: don't you love how Rob makes even douchey outfits look hot?) it is clearly day wear and not loungewear. Look closely (I know you already have anyway) and you will note that Rob is wearing a belt. Pajamas aren't worn with belts! As if he would need a belt! Pajamas don't even have belt loops. And those aren't slippers, they are wing tips. Who would wear pajamas with wing tips? (Omg that's so hot. I mean, it's not pajamas!) Indeed, even the button down top that appears on first glance to exactly match the pants is actually being worn layered over some sort of patterned shirt. Who layers pajamas? Not even Robert Pattinson can be accused of this.

Emilie refuses to believe the undeniable evidence in front of her and insists that this getup is pajamas. I, on the other hand, acknowledge the truth.

I only hope that we are able to find a way to continue our TDH partnership in the face of this fundamental disagreement. I would ask our TDH readers to weigh in on this issue, but I don't wish to implicate you in this unfortunate turn of events.

What We Do Know: Part 32

It matriculates a lot.

Cedward bonds with a classmate. They discuss bathing.

What? Too much of a stretch? (twhs)

It can matriculate quicker than you can say "That's my t-shirt"

Vitamin R vs. Vitamin R

If you google Vitamin R and/or look in the urban dictionary, it turns out it's some song I didn't know about, or Ritalin.

FALSE.

Vitamin R is Charlie Swan's brilliant pet name for Rainer Beer tall boys, and our (stolen) pet name for another tall boy, Robert Pattinson.
Today's assignment: compare and contrast Vitamin R and Vitamin R.

• Effervescence - mmm, bubbles.
• Height - both are tall.
• Refreshing qualities - both are equally cool and delicious and hit the spot.
• Price - one is extremely affordable. The other...???
  
• Availability - unless you like looking at pictures of beer online, one is a LOT more available than the other.
• Availability - I can run to the store to pick up a six pack of one. The other's six pack is more elusive.
  
• Addictive qualities: I can't say I've known anyone to be addicted to Rainer...
• Overdoses: One is much more dangerous. Much much much more.
  

What the heck is that? (TWSS)

Rainier: "A Pure, Light, Delicious, Healthful Beer, that invigorates and strengthens, aids digestion, and produces sound and refreshing sleep."


Rob: Pretty much the same as Ranier, minus the sound and refreshing sleep.

Who wants a refreshing Rainier?

This guy.

Does Edward's penis have anything in common with Vitamin R? We may never know...