Cullen Wardrobe: Eclipse

Analysis!

Alice - thank you for losing the flowy new agey, mature, weird clothes!

Rosalie - fantastically cute! And finally with great hair! Lovely booooots!

Esme - It's normal clothes! Phew! Finally!

Carlisle - he doesn't look like a douche! He looks youthful and comfortable!

Jasper - Finally he's....wait...WTF?

Jasper.

Jasper, Jasper, Jasper.

The hair. Why? Why can they not find you a good wig? Why do you need a wig at all? Is that a Member's Only jacket? (And not in a hot retro indie rocker kind of way.) Have you gained weight? What is the matter with wardrobe/makeup on these movies? You are an incredibly attractive, charismatic man.

A little bit country, a little bit vampire.

Why are they so obsessed with making you look awkward and weird in these movies?

Oh, Jasper.

Eclipse is your movie! It's your moment! We get to see your back story. And what is cooler than a vampire?

A cowboy vampire. Duh.

Why can they not get this right?

Top Hat

What more is there to say?

Pop Revelations: Hey Edward

This song is so clearly directed at a seething hot (well, cold) vampire who is being all cryptic and coy about "forever" and implying that he's about ready to disappear at any second. Oh, Edward. What a tease!

Hey Princess
(Bella sings)

Hey Princess
Hey Edward
Don't you know all the ways that I want you

Hey good lookin'
Hey smooth talker
Every inch of me says you and I are for real

But it feels so cold
And it feels so sweet

And it feels like everything they said it would be
(Sidebar: Who are "they" and how did they know what "it" would feel like?)

And everything you say to me seems meaningless

'Cause it's nothing much at all
And everything you've said and done now up to this
Well it's cold to the sparkling bone


Guitar: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Woooooooooooooooooooo

Hey Edward
Hey Princess
Don't you know all the ways that I need you
Cause it isn't easy enough to be
lost inside the things that i think i need

And it feels so cold
And it feels so sweet
and it feels like everything i know it shouldn't be

and everything you say to me seems meaningless
cause its nothing much at all
and everything we've said and done now up to this
well it's cold to the sparkling bone

New Moon DVD Extras: Unrequited Sparkle

Conspicuously missing from the audio commentary: Our Deer Mr. Pattinson.

No hilarious nonlinear comments!

No pointing out plot holes!

No questions that make it clear he is just now seeing the movie for the first time!

No being hit on by the director!

How, one might ask, are we supposed to develop a drinking game?

The deleted scenes are sadly lacking in extra kissing/falling onto each other/biting/sparkling scenes. I thought that at least Bella's deleted dream sequence, where Edward is crouching on her bed, might prompt some swooning. There isn't even any gratuitous werewolf kissing!

The highlight of the DVD extras is in Part 4 of the documentary, a brief comment Rob makes while filming the Ghost of Edward Appears During Dirt Bike Rev Up scene. You know the part where the Ghost of Edward puts his hand over Bella's on the dirt bike handle bars and says "Stop."? Rob comments that "I kept noticing how creepy my hand looks." Rob laughs awkwardly and says to his hand, "You stop! Me! Stop!"

Yeah, it was amazing.

In summary: fainting couches were not needed.

Happy New Moon DVD Release Day!

When Team Deer makes a promise, by gosh, we deliver!


Welcome to our weekend swooning binge peppered with incoherent in-joke blog posts interspersed with in-depth and hilarious analyses!

Movie Reviews: Danwart's Magic Helmut

I think it was actually called something else but our fake name is better, and makes about as much sense.
This was the second of two abysmal films we watched from the RPatz canon. After careful review of the DVD covers, we chose to watch this film as a finale--after as much alcohol consumption as possible. Boy was that a wise choice!

And boy do our notes prove that we had been drinking! Why, they were nearly as incomprehensible as this movie's plot! (Can anyone tell me what this might mean: "It's your sword, didn't I teach you how to hold it?" Why did I type that? Also this, "Desperate girls call for desperate measures.")

Even the DVD distributors must have known how bad this movie is. Knowing we would want to dispose of the film, and quickly, after a single viewing, they added in a none-too-subtle reminder to viewers that this crap is recyclable. Go green!

Without further ado, here is our review.

Rob's Hair
Medieval mullet, courtesy of the Crimp n' Curl. It wasn't even Rob's real hair and it was still the best hair in thing about the movie.

Rob's Quotes
"Gimme back my bird, gosh! I'm a prince. I can tell common men whatever I want to tell them, gosh."

Why Rob Chose to Be in This Movie
I don't know why he chose this movie. However, it is quite clear that he was chosen for this movie because even as a teenager, he was still the only one in the cast with the ability to grow facial hair.

Twilight Crossover/Tie-In
Even a very bad movie can be re-marketed to capitalize on the later success of one of its cast members. The filmmakers couldn't even do that right! No Twilight connections, other than Rob's hotness.

Overall Impressions
This movie combines elements of nearly every classic, epic tale (except for the Twilight Saga, see above), reducing each to its most simplistic nugget and then mixes it all together into a witch's brew of -- have I used the word abysmal yet? From Moses to The Jungle Book, from Achilles to the bassist from Spinal Tap, it's as if Darth Vadar is fighting his son, alongside Inigo Montoya and the lead character of this film, Sidfried, who looks like the Gollumed-up version of The Rock.

And speaking of the main character, there was a baptism-by-strawberry-fondue (or was it dragon blood?) but the rebirth certainly didn't fix his face -- didn't make him look like RPatz, a.k.a. Prince Giselher. It didn't fix his bad wig or his acting skills either.

Recommendation
Rob's name is Giselher. I don't know what else to tell you.

The OTHER Emilee Reaches an Important Milestone

"I forgot to tell you that I finished Eclipse last night. I'm no longer feeling the pull to Team Jacob. Edward won me back. I'd kick both of 'em off a cliff for Team Mr. Darcy."

Oh, Edward. Don't cry! Everyone loves you best!

Movie Review: Remember Me

Alert: Consider yourself duly spoiled.

We have certainly enjoyed seeing the preview for this movie during our mmmmmany New Moon theatre visits. (Sidebar: is that awful Italy / Juliet movie even a movie or is it a preview? Because that hunk of junk is still ruining my Robert Pattinson buzz every time I go to the theatre.)

Yes, the preview was enjoyable... Team Deer was not quite so enthusiastic about the movie.

Rob's Hair
Fantastic, glorious, and often being touched. He's allowed to have stubble (hot!) and his eyebrows were under control and not distracting. So...win/win.

Damn. He's beautiful even when he's beat up.
New Moon Edward could have used some of this dissipation.

Rob's Quotes
Not applicable. It wasn't really the lines that were awful.

Why Rob Chose to Be in This Movie
He gets to smoke cigarettes and/or drink in pretty much every shot. Oh, and dress like a huge slob and fondle his guitar.

"A handwritten script must be worthwhile. I'll do it!"

Twilight Crossover/Tie-In
Just like in New Moon, your eye will be strangely drawn to his left nipple. It's because he has his dead brother's name tattooed--not just over his heart, but curving prominently around his pectoral, accentuating the legendary nipple. Please note: no sparkle.

Overall Impressions

What just happened!

I'm not sure what is more ill-advised: the preview that made this seem like a romantic drama (I wasn't really rooting for the couple) or the unexpected and unfortunate twist at the end of the movie. Do you think the reason why most of the actors they cast are foreign is because they couldn't convince any Americans that the September 11 tie-in was in any way appropriate or meaningful to the story?

He hasn't showered in a week and he still looks hotter than James Bond.

Recommendation
128 minutes of eye candy is not a bad way to spend 128 minutes. Plus, there's a preview of Eclipse.

Remember Edward's penis.