What We Do Know: Part 30

It's gorgeous. Obviously.

What We Do Know: Part 29

It has its own security detail. Very difficult to get to.

What We Do Know: Part 28

It's an international phenomenon.

What We Do Know: Part 27

It has superfast reflexes.

Epilogue: Take 100

Yeah. This time it's just gratuitous

I might have just sent 100 monkeys a fan email with a link to this song. maybe. perhaps.

Take 100

running for the border

searching for the ones with the white shirt and tie

weekend of disorder

bait peeled potassium, brings the fruit flies

strumming ukulele, streets are getting crazy,

junkies will pry

keep watch on our watches

as the minutes tick by

waiting in the stairwell

music belatedly reaches our ears

Thee band strums a farewell

and we're anticipating, drinking our beers

boys step out in guitars

sending all our heartbeats to the lost and found

saturated with stars

bats stay in the belfry safe and sound

and the band plaaaaaaaaaays

and the crowd swaaaaaaaaaaays

and the flashes make us blind

we lose our minds

and it won't be long

before that 100th monkey catches on

so sing along

as the band plaaaaaaaaaays

as the crowd swaaaaaaaaaaays

as the flashes make us blind

we lose our minds

Did Stephenie Meyer write an epilogue about Edward's penis?

What We Do Know: Part 26

Jackson is badass and hot and all. But really. there haven't been enough gratuitous Edward posts lately. So let's add to the list of things that, yes, we do know.

It's mostly undercover.

Footnotes: A Magical Moment

I'm not just reposting this picture because it is awesome. I would like to draw your attention to the middle band member. After close scrutiny, I deduced that he was holding a tiny Magic 8 Ball in his hand.

Question: What was he asking it? Please respond with your guesses in the comments section

Just to get the ball rolling...

-Why do girls like Twilight?

-Is Jackson touching my leg?

Chapter Four: It's a sign!

Sunday Morning

10:00 am -- We decide to nonchalantly swing by (har har) the two o'clock 100 Monkey's autograph signing. I mean, we're in Vancouver, after all. It would be silly to not go, right? RIGHT?

11:30 -- We get distracted by cupcakes.

1:00 -- I decide I need to purchase my own ukulele so that I could have the 100 Monkeys sign it (up until this point I have been using a loaner)

1:25 -- We cross King Edward Ave

1:30 -- We arrive at music shop. Robert Pattinson's doppelganger sells me a ukulele (its a sign! Sorry no pictures)

1:35 -- We cross King Edward Ave

2:15 -- We arrive at the Monkeys' signing. I entertain the thought of playing a song for Jackson.

3:15 -- Bouncer recognizes me from the night before as "ukulele girl" and informs me that Jackson just so happens to have a ukulele with him. By now, I've lost track of signs. Sydney insists that I play the song

3:17 -- The Stairway. Omg omg. Will I do it?

3:20 -- Clearly, Jackson spots the ukulele

3:21 -- "I have a song for you"

Look at that smile!

The band politely listens. The girl in the blue plans to kick my ass in about 10 minutes

Jackson shows me his

...

...

...

Thanks to Sydney for great moral support and documentarian skillz, and to Jeremy for loaning me his ukulele to practice on.

Chapter Three: What happens in Vancouver...

The hotel room was awesome.

Chapter Two: F**k You, I want a picture!

Remember that one time back in the days of '09 when we went to that show?

and drank some old timey beer?

Too excited to actually pay attention to the opening bands, Sydney and I planted ourselves in the stairwell a couple floors below the room where the bands were hiding out and took silly pictures.

We witnessed many terrible things in that stairway. A line of girls with special stamps on their hands were escorted to the top floor.

A 13 year old squealed with glee, her braces shining like glitter glue in the sunlight, as the bouncers let her group of friends up, despite a lack of special stamps...

But maybe it was all for the best. Besides, if Sydney and I had managed a chance meeting with 100 Monkeys that night, we might have never met this girl/accidentally took a picture of her

She had a penis tattoo on her back. She might not know her back tattoo looked like a penis, but it did.

It was about this time that we overheard some bouncer say "Get ready for the screams." So we left the stairway vigil and joined the crowd at the stage.

I thought maaybe it would be difficult to tell Jackson from his bandmates. Even if I didn't recognize him, the barrage of camera flashes made it pretty obvious when he took the stage. I seriously thought I was going to have a seizure. In a moment of sorrow, I thought "Poor Monkeys... poor Rob!" And then a girl shoved past, shouting to her friend, "Fu*k you, I want a picture!"

Indeed. Indeed.

Unfortunately, my camera sucks. See that green light? That is where all the vampires were hanging out... Esme, Rosalie, the new Victoria... oh yeah, and Stephenie Meyer.

What happens next? Was Jackson the star of stage and screen that we all hoped him to be? Did Stephenie Meyer fall down from her perch? Did someone steal Jackson's hat as bouncers escorted the band through the molestative crowds?

Oh, I think you know the answer.

What We Do Know: Part 25

The Volturri don't want you to see it.

Chapter One: Junkies? No no, I said 100 Monkeys!

This journey begins with a Honda Accord and ukulele, and ends with... a Honda Accord and ukulele!

And so begins the story of Jacksonstalk '09.

The problem with going to Vancouver is that, once you cross the border, everyone is suspect. Every person that passes could be...

a vampire.

But most of them aren't.

Most of them are junkies.

Just a fortnight ago, Sydney and I, on official blog business, headed into Canada to see the 100 Monkeys, and to revel being in the exact same city as some of our favorite vampires. It became clear after our first leisurely jaunt through Gastown that Robert Pattinson probably wasn't hiding under a giant wig, or buying a veggie dog at the hot dog stand (or working the hot dog stand), or riding a shopping cart. And the quiet, uninhabited bar that we stopped at before the show was apparently the wrong one, because Jackson Rathbone and bandmates were nowhere to be seen.

Enter Edward: The stalker's stalker

Edward was totally pissed that our stalkees would desert us like that! But he was considerate enough to join us for one...

...or two drinks.

Edward also offered some great advice (he could tell we were novices). Unfortunately we neither of us possessed the ability to pick up their scent or hear their voices from great distances. Instead, we took our liquid courage and powered through six blocks of zombies to find the line of addicts that we belonged to.

And we wait...

Jackson Rathbone Meets Emilie

Easy, Jasper.

Quit stalling, Emilie. Would Edward and his penis stall? Oh. Maybe they would.

What We Do Know: Part 24

It's immortal. It will never ever age or die.

Twilight Duet / The Cullen Family Singers

Bella and Edward discover love in the gazebo

(Edward)
You wait, little girl,
On an empty deck
For fate to turn the light off
Your life, little girl,
Is a tasty neck
That men will want to bite on

(Bella)
To bite on

(Edward)
You are 17 going on 18
Baby it’s time to think
Better beware [of me!]
Be canny and careful
Baby you're on the brink  [of death]
You are 17 going on 18
Fellows will fall in line
Eager young lads
And roués and cads
Will thirst for your blood sometimes
Totally unprepared are you
To face a world of men
Timid and shy and scared are you
Of things beyond your ken
You need someone
Older and wiser
Telling you what to do
I am 17 going on 108
I'll take care of you [hisssss]

(Bella)
I am 17 going on 18
I'm not that naive
Vampires I meet may think I smell sweet
But I simply don't believe
I am 17 going on 18 fragrant as a rose
bloodsucking dandies
with bouffants-so-fancy,
What do I know of those?
Totally unprepared am I
To face a world of death
Timid and shy and scared am I
Of things beyond my ken
I need someone
Older and wiser
Telling me what to do
You are 17 going on 108
I'll depend on you


























When the vampire bites, when the werewolf stings, Edward's penis is one of our favorite things.

TDH recap

Sparkles blah blah blah

Penis blah blah blah

Was it good for you?

This is me stalling

What We Do Know: Part 23

You can google it.

What We Do Know: Part 22

It isn't cheap.

(Too bad.)

Midnight Sun Solo: Edward

Bella: I can't dance.
Edward: Well, I could always make you.

Edward and Bella at Prom

She's Like the Wind (Edward sings)

She's like the wind through my tree
She rides the night next to me
She leads me through moonlight
Only to burn me with the sun (hissssss)
She's taken my heart
But she doesn't know what she's done

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

[Awesome sax-a-ma-phone solo]

I look in the mirror and all I see
Is a young old man with only a dream
Am I just fooling myself
That she'll stop the pain
Living without her
I'd go insane

Feel her breath on my face
Her body close to me
Can't look in her eyes
She's out of my league
Just a fool to believe
I have anything she needs
She's like the wind

Feel your breath on my face
Your body close to me
Can't look in your eyes
You're out of my league
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
(She's like the wind)
Just a fool to believe
(Just a fool to believe)
She's like the wind
(Just a fool to believe)
Just a fool to believe
She's like the wind

Edward and Bella...in a...tree?

"I want her to know everything there is to know about my penis."

After.

More to come