What We Do Know: Part 43

"Edward's look wasn't something that could be achieved through imitation."

It can't be imitated or duplicated.

OMG!

What if there were two of them?!

Two of them.

What We Do Know: Part 42

"I had a feeling Edward wasn’t the kind of person anyone got used to."

You never get used to it?

Indeed.

A Battle of Wits

With the approach of a new year, I have decided that it is time to wrap up a few things here at TDH. Do not fret! We will continue with the jokes and the revelations (even if I am off - grid more than I would like to be). However, there is one thread that I believe should be put to rest.

Mayhaps you recall the Twifight?

Jean, I would like to challenge you to a battle of wits.

It's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of woman who would mistake pajamas for an outfit?


Now, a clever woman would know the difference between pajamas and suits. She would know that only a great fool would be confused. I'm not a great fool, so clearly Rob is wearing pajamas. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I clearly must assume that Rob is not wearing pajamas!.

Have I made my decision? Not remotely. Because Rob comes from England, as everyone knows. And England is entirely peopled with the anti-fashioned. And the British are used to having people mistake their outerwear for pajamas, which explains the belt. So I can clearly not call these linens bedclothes!

Truly, a dizzying intellect. But wait till I get going! Where was I? Ah yes, England...
You must have suspected I would have known Rob's origin, so I can clearly call these duds pajamas!

Rob, going to bed, in a dinner jacket.

You'd like to think that I'm stalling, wouldn't you?
You have evaded my previous arguments which means you're exceptionally strong of mind. So, you could have pretended they were not pajamas and trusted your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the "indie outfit" argument. But, you've also bested my witty comments which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that Rob is weird so you would have put the pajama thesis as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose this for myself.

You think I'm trying to trick you, but I'm not! You've given everything away! I know what Rob is wearing! I will make my choice! and I choose!...

What is that over there!



What was that? Was I supposed to say something else? Hmmm... But the choice does not matter. Clearly I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a French. Ever."

It's Rhetorical: Does it Sparkle in Moonlight Too?

Moonlight is technically reflected sunlight, but it isn't anywhere near as powerful as sunlight. How powerful does the light need to be before vampire skin sparkles are visible to the human eye? What else is visible to the human eye?

Edward uses Bella as a human shield.

The Twelve Days of Edward

On the twelfth day of Twilight,
Edward gave to me
Twelve werewolves thrumming,
Eleven rounds of dazzle,
Ten bouts of chuckling,
Nine nights of peeping,
Eight pairs of khaki,
Seven chaste embraces,
Six Cullens hissing,
Five icy stares!
Four heart attacks,
Three dry humps,
Two papercuts,
And sparkles in a pear tree.

Merry Christmas from Team Deer. You're welcome.

What We Do Know: Part 41

"There was nothing about him that could be improved upon."

What We Do Know: Part 40

"My kind… we’re very easily distracted."

Oh, Edward. You pretty little liar. You are insanely fixated.

Look at that stare!

What We Do Know: Part 39

He thinks you should be afraid of it but you aren't.

Can't you tell he's putting out his danger vibe?

Why Muse is the Official Band of Twilight

Stephenie Meyer has done exactly two brilliant things in her life:

1) Dream up Edward Cullen!
2) Have a giant boner for the band Muse.

It is also worth noting that December 15 marks exactly two brilliant occasions:

1) TDH celebrates its one year anniversary as everyone's favorite irreverent Twilight blog (your source for ongoing sparkle penis analysis and general Edward-related hilarity).
2) TDH sees Muse live for the first time, here in our very own Seattle, Washington!

In honor of the double double brilliancy, here's a look at Muse's newest album and how it's all about Edward's penis:

Exhibit A: Uprising

The whole "revolution" thing could be about the Cullens, with their alternative lifestyles, rising up against the Volturri. Or it could be literally something...rising...up.

Exhibit B: Resistance

This song is about the whole "forbidden" aspect of vampire/human love. Awwwww. How sweet. It could be wrong, could be wrong, but it should've been right. And it's about how they have to keep it secret and keep it safe.

Exhibit C: I Belong To You

Duh, it's on the New Moon Soundtrack, clearly it's an ode to Edward. However, you wouldn't notice it in the movie unless you were looking for it (twss). It plays in a random scene where Bella drives off to school in her truck.

The opening line is:

When these pillars get pulled down

Pillar, huh? Someone knows something about something! Moving on...as everyone knows, Bella was in so much pain in New Moon that she felt like she had a hole in her chest, because of Edward who is sparkley and powerful and fast, like lightning:

How much pain has quaked your soul?
How much love could make you whole?
You're my guiding lightning strike.

And then there's the obvious -- Bella dashes off to Italy to save Edward from his misguided suicide attempt:

I've traveled half the world to say, I belong to you

EXHIBIT D: Unnatural Selection

One word: Renesmee.

EXHIBIT E: MK Ultra

No, this song is not about a light beer. It's about the biggest lie ever told, by one Edward Cullen, upon breaking up with Bella, and about Bella hallucinating the Ghost of Edward as a result.

How much deception can you take?
How many lies will you create?
How much longer until you break?
Your mind's about to fall.

Exhibit F: Guiding Light

More New Moon pain. This time it's Edward's pain, after he leaves Bella for her own good:

And fragile and stripped to the core
I can't hurt you anymore

A reference to sparkle:

And sunshine, trapped in our hearts

And then this:

It could rise again, but I'm lost
And crushed I'm cold and confused
with no guiding light left inside
You were guiding, light

Hmmm. Sounds like Edward is having a very specific problem, now that he ran away from Bella. That'll teach him.

Exhibit H: Undisclosed Desires

If they were smart, Muse would have had black and white video footage of Bella and Edward (or just Edward) rolling around on a sandy beach, a la Chris Issak/Wicked Game. Instead, they opted for the band performing in a studio with some lady dancing around in an outfit made out of what is either guitar cables or those automated car wash scrubbers. Neither is sexy. And yet this song is oozing with sexy!

You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine
Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

Not only is that hot, it's clearly about Edward (who thinks he's souless, and is still a virgin anyway) and Bella (who's trying to get under his teeth and into his pants, but not trying hard enough if you know what I'm sayin').

The chorus is all about the whole "Edward is a contradiction" thing with the beauty and the danger and the demons and the sex:

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

All that Twilight sexual tension (read: Edward without a shirt on, looking pained) would have a made a great video for this song. The key-tar and the flailing dancer tangled in cables? Not so much.

In review:

Not Sexy

Sexy

Hey wait a minute. Is this a double mic, or is it someone's sparkely...nevermind.




EXHIBIT: The Rest
Then there are some symphonic pieces that I haven't paid much attention to, but I'm sure they're just fantastic and evocative of everyone's favorite sparkley bits.

What We Do Know: Parts 35-38

"The image of Edward in the meadow—glowing, shimmering like his skin was made of a million diamond facets—was burned into my memory. No human who saw that would ever forget."

It doesn't just sparkle. Oh, heck no.

It glows.

It shimmers.

It's like diamonds.

It's unforgettable.

Hey, if you had one you'd look at it all the time too.

WWDK: Part 34(byin)

After a thrilling two part TWSS extravaganzo -- if you haven't read it yet, by all means scroll down! -- we have learned something new about Edward's sparkley bits.

It likes a bumpy ride.

TWSS: 4-bying

I think adding a hyphen to 4-bying might detract from its colloquial roots (as does using it in a sentence with the word "colloquial"). But enough of my linquistic musings. That is not why we are here (TWHS).

Without further ado (TWHS)

PART ONE

"For a long while conversation was impossible, because I was bouncing up and down like a jackhammer"

PART TWO

"He seemed to enjoy the ride, though, smiling hugely the whole way."

That's what she said

New Moon The Musical: Once More, With Feeling!

Now, starring the cast of Buffy!

BELLA:
I touch the fire but wish it was freezing
I only find Jacob Black
Why can't I feel?
My skin shouldn't crack and peel
I want the iciness back.

Jacob comforts Bella in Edward's Absense

Now, through the smoke he calls to me
To make my way across the flame
He'll save the day or maybe melt away
I guess it's all the same
So, I will walk to the fire
Cause where else can I turn?
I will walk to the fire
And let it

JACOB
The torch I bear is scorching me
Edward's laughing I've no doubt
I hope he fries
She's free if that leech dies!
I wish he'd help me out.

GHOST OF EDWARD
Bella's drawn to the fire
Some people

JACOB
She will

EDWARD, JACOB
never learn
And she will walk to the fire
And let it

Edward and Jacob have an impromptu musical douche-off.

EDWARD
I wish I would have gone and changed her!
Am I leaving her in danger?
Is my Bella too far gone to care?

ALICE
What if Edward can't defeat it?

Alice forsees Bella's leap from the cliffs

JASPER
Your seeing eyes are right
We're needed!

Jasper is dangerous.

ROSALIE
...Or we could just sit around and glare

Rosalie glares.

CULLENS:
We'll see it through
It's what we're always here to do
We'll watch her walk to the fire...

BELLA
So one by one, they turned from me
I guess my friends don't want me cold

ALICE
What don't we want...
...Together

BELLA
I wish I'd froze, but not one among them knows
And never can be told.

ALICE
He came from the grave much graver.

CARLISLE
So one by one they come to me
The distant redness as their guide

Carlisle, The Patriarch.

JACOB
First, he'll kill her, then I'll save her

ESME
Everything is turning out so dark

Esme worries about her family.

BELLA
Going through the motions

JACOB
No, I'll save her, then I'll kill her

CARLISLE
But what they find
Ain't what they had in mind

BELLA
Walking through the part

EMMETT
I think this line is mostly filler

Oh, Emmett

CARLISLE
It's what they have inside

JACOB
What's it going to take to strike a spark?

BELLA
These endless days are finally ending in a blaze

JACOB
She will come to me

The Cullens see the werewovles for the first time.

BELLA, CULLENS, WEREWOLVES
And she is caught in the fire
At the point of no return
So she will walk to the fire
And let it
Burn
Let it burn
Let it burn
Let it burn!

I think we know that Edward's penis doesn't burn.

Product Placement / Middle Age

Oh, Edward. Sometimes you're a supermassive asshole.


Is that a family vehicle? A yuppie douchebag excuse for a minivan? Does it match your khaki? Does it match your outdated notions of sexuality? Heaven forbid you are overcompensating for something with a conspicuously expensive, high performance, vehicle.

While we adore watching you arrive at school in slooooooow moooooooooootion (really. we do. that's how you look when we dream about you, only you have a british accent and sometimes a top hat) maybe you should consider a more youthful vehicle.

While you're at it, just wear the (that's my) t-shirt. No need for that outer shirt that obscures your cute little pasty white jacob-wannabe-biceps.

Love,
Team Deer

Just Checking In...

This week, a certain member of Team Deer went off the grid for three days.

Well!

Of course you realize what takes three days: turning into Edward's vampire honey.

So, not unlike Jacob, I had to make a phone call (well, a text) today just to make sure that a certain inevitable event hadn't yet occurred. And while Emilie didn't answer my question directly, answer she did. With text-based giggling. So at least I know that Edward was able to stop.

What if Edward's penis went off the grid?

The Douche-off: Edward vs. Angel

Welcome back to the Douche-off Awards! As you may remember from many months ago, Book Edward is the current title holder -- will he lose his grasp on the D-Nozzle when pitted against Angel, douche-vamp of the 90's?

Suggested song for Douche-off: Queen -- Another One Bites the Dust

Wardrobe

Oh Angel. Angel, Angel, Angel. You attempt to harden your appearance like any century old, clueless vampire: silk shirts, velvet pants, wife beaters, leather jackets... with shoulder pads.

And then there is Edward. Khaki, white sleeveless shirts, knit sweaters...

really? is THAT how you decide to "blend in" with your peers? Funny, I don't remember any mention of mathletes or marching band.

In this case, we will have to stick with photographic facts. And the evidence suggests that -- much to our chagrin -- Edward can pull off pretty much any outfit. Angel wins the douche-pad... though research suggests he has enough padding.

Time spent in front of mirror

Angel can't see himself in the mirror, so by default, Edward wins. Maybe he uses the douche for his hair?... Did I go too far?

Hair -- flat top vs. bouffant.

The only real question is, how does Angel make his hair so douchey without a mirror?

Moves with the Ladies

Edward has some vestiges of romance. He takes Bella to an italian restaurant, and a meadow. Angel? He waits until after the apocalypse to even think about asking Buffy on a date. Way to be there for your beloved.

Using Your Words -- Edwords vs. Angelic Accents

To be honest, I am not entirely sure where Angel is supposed to hail from. Angelic flashbacks seem to span a plethora of accents, none of them done with conviction. But Edward. Well. I'm pretty sure he can employ any accent he wants. And while charming ladies with a practiced accent is a bit douchey, its even worse if you can't do it right. Angel, that douche bag is alllll yours.

Villainisms
If you think regular ol' Angel is a douche, how about Bad Angel? He can't even be a good villain! Spike says it best: "If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack." (Sidebar: a full sack of what? And whose sack is he playing with?) Another excellent Spikism: "Angel's as dull as a table lamp."

Good Edward, Good Angel -- both douchey. Bad Edward, on the other hand, is very good at bad. There is no other explanation for his ability to make ladies swoon despite his douchisms. Trust me, I've looked (for an explanation, that is...)

Tally ho

We could tally the score... but as one who has a soft spot for underdogs, I say we just give Angel a thumbs up (for being douchey) and give Edward a pat on the back for honorable mention.

Stay tuned for more exciting comparisons!

I-n-g-u-i-n-a-l

Best Scrabble Move Ever.

Only 64 points? Where's my Robert Pattinson bonus score?




Nevermind. This picture will do.

WWDK: Nipple Edition

It may have been the very first thing that came up as we were leaving the theatre. (TWSS!) The conversation went a little something like this:

Did you see Edward's nipple?
Yes. Which one?
His left nipple.
Yes. It looked funny.
I know, my eye was totally drawn to it.
Yeah, I couldn't look away.
The big screen really magnifies it.


Later at The Hurricane, where midnight New Moon Premiere hysteria was followed by all night pancakes and hashbrowns, theories emerged:

Maybe it's deformed.
Maybe the venom didn't make it all the way to that nipple.
Maybe pressing it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.
Maybe it's supposed to be a beige nipple.

Whatever it was, it required further study. Less than 12 hours later, upon closer inspection during Viewing #2, we hypothesized that it was a funny swirl of chest hair creating the illusion of a deformed nipple.


Approximately 72 hours later during Viewing #3, we agreed that our hypothesis was correct, noting that further study was not required, but could yield additional valuable insights into the mysteries of Edward's sparkley bits.

Edward is sensitive about his nipples.

Next hypothesis to test: What's up with Edward's penis? Would the big screen also magnify it? Would we be able to look away? We don't know!

Team Deer Thanksgiving Special: Omnibus of thanks

First off, where would we be without the Easy Jasperilla? sober and flustered, that's where!

At least with the Easy Jasperilla we aren't sober...

Boys that smile.

at me.

Photographers...

Who know what we like

Rain...

It's good for farmers and Robert Pattinson

Boys

What?

Art House films...












And the invention of creative liberty


Screenwriters

Who make this guy quote Shakespeare

Inguinal Crease

And sparkle nipples

Sparkles

In general

So, readership. What are you thankful for?

Team Deer Celebrates Thanksgiving

Every year, my parents would make us go around the table and say something we were thankful for. In preparation (and to avoid any embarrassing confessions around the dinner table) I have decided to continue the tradition right here!! We at TDH have many, many things to be thankful for:

The Ghost of Edward

Without you, those 400 pages would have been even more painful.

Vitamin R

Both Kinds

And also a coconut.

Stay tuned for more things we are thankful for!

Team Edward

Yeah.