It's Rhetorical: Artificial Lighting

Lowell asks: Do vampires glitter under the paparazzi's cruel flash? What if they get seasonal affective disorder, will they glitter in the full spectrum lighting? What about a black light? And does this make them the ideal ravers?

How does artificial lighting affect Edward's penis? We just don't know.

Pop Revelations VI: Vampire Movie

Guest Blog by Sydney Beier (Welcome to TDH!)

Twilight

+

David Zucker

=

Rosalie and Bella are fighting over Edward as they all shack up together in a cute little Spanish Villa.  But three’s a crowd and their little ménage a trois comes to an end when Bella tears her shirt right down the middle, grabs Rosalie in a headlock, and body slams her against the Spanish tiles.  Rosalie takes up the bongos and Bella goes on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”  

In the next scene, Edward has taken a job at a fitness studio, chews gum constantly, and tries to sell a disc he found in the men’s locker room -- which contains blueprints of a secret city hidden below Gotham -- to George W. (who looks as amazingly handsome as Josh Brolin).  George isn’t interested so Edward convinces Bella to come back to him and make an amateur porno to raise rent money.  

In the final scene, a brief montage of Edward’s last few years; trying to ruin Rosalie’s wedding to Mr. Big, running (with bad hair) for public office in San Francisco, beating up an Asian gang.  Then the camera pulls back to show him as a child, eight or nine, perched on a stool and reading to Bella, now 35 or so, who reclines in the bath next to him.  What book is that in his hands?  “Rise of the Cullens” by Stephanie Meyer.

 

Thanks to: Vicki Cristina Barcelona, The Wrestler, The Visitor, Slumdog Millionaire, Burn After Reading, The Dark Knight, W., Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Rachel Getting Married, Sex and the City, Milk, Gran Torino, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Rise of the Lycans, and of course, Twilight!

And still, we know almost nothing about Edward's penis. 

It's Rhetorical: Edward's Voice

What's hotter: Edward as-is, or Edward with a British accent?

Everything about me invites you in — my voice, my face, even my smell. As if I need any of that!

And still we know practically nothing about Edward's penis.

Conversation Starters: Robert Pattinson

A fortnight ago, I was assigned with the task of coming up with opening lines for if I ever ran into any of the Twilight cast. I have categorized my conversation starters into 5 simple methods. Below are a few words I might use if I ever happened to catch Robert Pattinson... 

unawares... (of course I am starting with him, of course!)

Consider yourself warned.

Method 1: Common ground

Hey Robert... 

-I don't like to wash my hair either. See? (RP slooooowly backs away)

-I have an uncle named Robert! Wow! Lets talk about that. He's a ninja. So am I. Do you like ninjas? (RP disappears in a puff of smoke)

-I'm a musician too! You know, there's a great club in seattle called 16th Ave, Apt #4... I could totally get you a gig. 

Method 2: Feign Ignorance

Hey...

-Can I bum a smoke? Oh, don't I know you from somewhere? (RP sloooowly backs away)

-Do you know where a good Karaoke bar is? Wanna go? Oh, you're robert pattinson? wow! (RP warbles away)

Method 3: Flight of the Conchords, Mel Style

-Edwa- I mean Rob! Sorry!... Unless... do you like to be called Edward? (RP runs away)

-That's a really cool jacket, can I have it? Can I have your pants too? (RP disappears, leaving only a rumpled pile of clothing)

-Oh my god this is so weird that I ran into you right outside of your place where you live! Its just like the dream I had last night... (RP returns to his flat and locks several deadbolts)

-Me: Bite me

  RP: What?

  Me: What?... (RP  runs away)

Method 4: Lyrical Style (Clearly, RP would swoon if I sang anything to him)

-Franz Ferdinand --  With a laugh like that, and a look like that you make us all just go la la la la. 

-Two Gallants -- My lost cause for words walks away with my nerves

-Def Leppard -- All I've got is a photograph but its not enough

-FOTC -- If you want me to, I can hang 'round with you, if I only knew, that's what you're into

-Fugazi -- You should pay rent in my mind

-Debby Country -- Let's move our lips till we turn blue

Method 5: What would probably really happen

-eeeeeeehehehehehehe! (I run away)

-Robert pattinson! (I hyperventilate, then run away)

-Hey that's my t-shirt! (I run away)

- ... ... ... 

-Hey, could you answer some rhetorical questions for me? (questions drowned out by fits of giggles)

Hmm... Edward's what? No actually, I know very little about that. 

Its Rhetorical: Spit...er... Venom Swapping?

WAIT!

What if Bella had  a cold sore? 

What if she had really chapped lips? 

Gingivitis? 

What if she ate a BLT and it scratched the roof of her mouth? 

...Even if he did change her by some accidental venomous exchange, we would STILL know very little about Edward's penis

Cocktail Recipe: Easy Jasperilla

Eaaaaasy, Jasper.

We at TDH found this concoction to be a most suitable remedy for The Swooning. It is quite effective in controlling the mood in a room--much as its namesake might do. We found this beverage particularly helpful when we were assaulted with the unanticipated Edward-bites-Bella-in-Biology-Class bit on the extras DVD.

I'll take a shot of that. Or a whole glass full, on ice. This one sparkles too!

Easy Jasperilla

Whiskey or burbon
Root beer
Ice

Serve as a shot, or on the rocks. Swizzle. Just add fainting couch (one per person.) Thanks to HP for thinking up the most brilliant cocktail name of her LIFE.

And speaking of fainting couches, we still know almost nothing about Edward's penis.

Pop Revelations: Part V

love bites

+

awesomest (hmm, are they British?) hair band ever

=

Power ballad

Why did it take so long for me to realize this song is about vampires? This song was truly hiding in plain sight, just as the Volturri planned.

Love Bites

When you make love, do you look in the mirror?
Who do you think of?
Does he look like me?
Do you tell lies?
And say that it's forever?
Do you think twice, or just touch and see?
Ooh babe
Oh yeah
When you're alone, do you let go?
Are you wild and willin', or is it just for show?
Ooh C'mon

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
No!

Chorus
(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise
(Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need

When I'm with you, are you somewhere else?
Am I gettin' thru or do you please yourself?
When you wake up, will you walk out?
It can't be love if you throw it about
Ooh babe

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
Oh

Chorus
(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise
(Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need

(Guitar Solo)

Oh yeah!

I don't wanna touch you too much baby
'Cos making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don't wanna be there when you decide to break it
No!

(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)

(Love bites, love bleeds)
It's bringin' me to my knees
(Love lives, love dies)
It's no surprise
(Love begs, love pleads)
It's what I need

If you've got love in your sights
Watch out, love bites

And still we know practically zero about Edward's penis. Damn the Volturri and their censorship.

That's My T-Shirt: An Anecdotal Antidote

It was dark outside. Raining (probably. maybe. I don't remember actually). The Twilight DVD whirred in the machine, projecting larger than necessary (but definitely appreciated) images of Edward Cullen across the seizure sized screen. But this was no ordinary viewing of Twilight. This was Twilight with commentary. Robert Pattinson, Catherine Hardwicke and Kristen Stewart spoke over the movie, sharing little tid bits about their time working together. Well, the ladies did. Robert, however, chose to share other important facts:

"That's my t-shirt."

As many of you may have guessed from previous blog postings, we of TDH spent the weekend in meatspace, conducting an in depth study of Twilight and its many special features. We did not take any calls. We did however take many, many drinks. After watching the commentary, I was inspired to make a drink called "That's my t-shirt" or "Hey, that's my t-shirt".  

I put a lot of thought into this drink (just kidding, I was already drunk and just picked up the closest bottle. Gin). A drink with such a title should be a strong drink, with many layered, yet complementary alcoholic flavors. It should be a drink that will cure your sobriety in one go. It should be a drink that might make you wake up one morning and say to yourself "Hey, that's my t-shirt!"  

And so, on that drunk, rainy night, I found my t-shirt:

lime juice from 1/2 a lime

overzealous shot(s) of gin

a tasteful splash of triple sec

top it off with dry champagne

Serve over ice. With a cherry. 

Yet still, Edward's penis remains shrouded in mystery

The Dread Pirate Edward

If Edward grew a mustache and put on a pirate mask, and traded his khaki and beige wardrobe for swashbuckling black, Bella wouldn't need to hear him say "As you wish" or anything else for that matter in order to know it was him. He can't have a secret identity. You can't hide that glitter behind a mask!

Ew. A mustache? On Edward? Inconceivable!

Also. The Dread Pirate Edward wouldn't need to come back in disguise in the first place because he wouldn't have to teach Bella a lesson about having faith in true love. If Edward said he was coming back, Bella would believe him. Just like in New Moon she believed him when he said he wasn't coming back and that he didn't love her.

In fact, he wouldn't need to run off to seek his fortune on a pirate ship in the first place either, in order to woo Bella. But a vampire pirate is way hotter than a regular old vampire. Or a regular old pirate.

Could Edward withstand The Machine? Is he immune to iocane powder? It doesn't matter. He wouldn't be subjected to torture at the hands of the Six Fingered Man. He wouldn't have to engage in a battle of wits. To the death. No indeed! Humans are no match for him in the first place.

And yet, there are parallels in the stories. I can imagine Jacob (Canine of Unusual Size?) and Edward fighting over Bella, finding they are quite equally matched in skill, and then revealing that they are neither of them left handed. Cocky teenage boys! Showing off!

Carlisle is clearly Miracle Max, hoping to chocolate coat the miracle pill of vampire transformation.

Edward's eyes aren't exactly like the sea after a storm. Unless it's a sea of butterscotch.

And finally since the invention of the kiss, yes there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. Edward's and Bella's would have outdone them all, even and especially Wesley and Buttercup's. How do you compete with a vampire kiss? Hot!

Edward and Bella, lounging in the Fire Swamp.

The End.


And still we know almost nothing about Edward's penis.

What We Do Know

It sparkles.

It's Rhetorical

Unfortunately we know very little about Edward's penis. 

Cocktail Recipe: Sparkling Vampire

In honor of the release of the Twilight DVD at midnight tonight, we made this beverage. Like Edward it is golden, strong, delicious and sparkling.


Sparkling Vampire

1 1/2 oz. cognac
4 oz. dry champagne
1/2 oz. simple syrup
1 oz fresh lemon juice

Dissolve syrup in lemon juice in an iced highball glass. Add cognac and fill with champagne. Sthir very gently.

Pop Revelations: Part IV

+

This song was originally about badass (flute playing) vampire ninjas in love, but the Volturi made sure that this song went with a movie that was neither badass nor about vampires. Too bad they couldn't conspire to cover up the fact that Edward and Bella really did it all for the glory of love...

Tonight it's very clear
As we're both lying here
There's so many things I wanna say
I will always love you
I will never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget, say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't wanna lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

You keep me standing tall
You'll help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
Gonna live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

Just like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I'll save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am the man who will fight for your honor
I'll be the hero that you're dreaming of
Gonna live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

Its Rhetorical: Body Hair

If vampires have a head of hair, shouldn't they have all the other hair? For Example...

Does it all just... fall out?

Or does it depend on how they were before being turned? 

Does James have stubble because he lacked a razor for a few days before being bitten?

Is vampire hair tough, like superman's hair?

When they cut their hair, does it not grow back?

OR does it grow back to exactly how it used to be? 

Product Review: Conversation Hearts

Secret scent--rub to reveal? That's what he said.

Does it even matter what these taste like? Of course it doesn't. They're awesome. Done.

Its Rhetorical: Speed

We all know that vampires play speedy baseball...

But do vampires like to do everything fast?

I hope Bella doesn't crave risotto. 

Del33ted Scenes

Yeah. Four of them (so far) have surfaced on the mighty waves of the interweb.

One popped up on Myspace. Its an extened version of Edward showing off his bedroom to Bella. It's pretty awkward, but as a periodical insomniac, I appreciated the extra shout out to people who don't sleep. What what!
The other scenes can be viewed on Access Hollywood's site. For a quick snapshot of what's in store, view my previous TDH post. And don't forget to start a riot.
Flutterings and spasms aside, all these extra scenes got me thinking. What gratuitous inexplicable plot pointless scenes would I choose to write, if I so happened in to such a position?
Wait, wait. Jean already covered that one.

Yes, the beach is always a good place to start... but I digress!

First off, call up Baz Luhrman. Why? Because in order to do a proper song and dance number, he's the one with the skills. Yeah, I'm thinking Strictly Ballroom meets Moulin Rouge dream sequence. And if it's a dream, it won't seem so weird when Ewan McGregor shows up and starts singing back up. While you have Baz in the mix, might as well ask him to take a look at Book 4. A touch of satire might make demon baby hatching bearable (pregnancy pun ftw!)

Speaking of demon babies, why not call up Chris Carter to create an X-files crossover. Not only are Mulder and Scully familiar with Demon Babies (Terms of Endearment) and Vampires (Bad Blood), and Werewolves (Shapes) they have made frequent visits to the Pacific Northwest due to its inherent creepiness. Mulder would make a great midwife, and Scully would finally enlighten us on the biological facts that make vampire sperm possible... After an in depth study, of course...


What?

Scully: Damn, I would make his babies too
Mulder: Damn, I would make his babies too

And what if Edward needed a bit of help changing Bella into a vampire? What if he needed somebody... magical?

While I'm being gratuitous, why not invite Colin Firth on set? Give him some sideburns and pale granite skin and a misplaced vendetta against Edward. Edward clears up the misunderstanding by communicating in Mr. Darcy's native accent.
They hug it out.



In conclusion, Edward Cullen is reunited with his long lost twin brother, wolverine.

What scene would you like to see?

Fetch Me My Smelling Salts!

"Such tremblings, such flutterings, all over me -- such spasms in my side and pains in my head, and such beatings at heart, that I can get no rest by night nor by day." 

~Mrs. Bennet, Pride and Prejudice~

Edward Would Love Seattle

Who would enjoy moping about Capitol Hill in Seattle, drifting in and out of Neumos, blending in amongst other mopey indie boys in tight jeans?

Edward. That's who.

He could put off his "I'm dangerous and I loathe you" vibe to all kinds of strangers, and still fit right in. He would probably grow a beard and dress sloppy by Cullen standards. He would play pinball at Shorty's and be the champion. The vintage pinball wizard!

Or maybe he would go glam, taking in a drag show, where even in sunlight his glittery gorgeousness might fade into the background. Alice might join him from time to time, make him dance with her.

It's probably too dangerous for Jasper to be in such close proximity to all the humans, but maybe Rosalie occasionally drags Edward to psychobilly shows at El Corazon or the Showbox. I bet the Cullens cruise Broadway.

In the books, why does Edward never come to Seattle? Before Bella appears, wouldn't he get tired of playing music, learning foreign languages, and being pretty and alone all night? Surely he would come to Seattle to see what's what, and to be pretty and alone all night in a more urban setting.

It's Rhetorical: Red Eye?

When Edward sucks the venom out of Bella's arm, do his eyes turn red? Or do they just turn orange, because he only had a sip of her blood? How much blood does it take?

Think Twice - Drink Responsibly

Twilight: The Sitcom Episode 3

This week on Twilight, Jacob bakes traditional Quileute pastries. His get-Bella-quick-scheme backfires when Edward somehow gets all the credit for the delicious baked goods. Bella always chooses Edward!

Through it all, Jacob learns a valuable lesson (Of course he does! Don't be ridiculous!) about patience, friendship, and standing tall on the wings of his dreams. In the end, they are so happy they do the dance of joy.

Help! Heeeelp!

[Make your own caption]

Twilight CAN be Cheesey

But what great epic love story isn't just a little cheesey?


Not only is Mt. Townsend Creamery located in the Olympic peninsula, an easy vampire-jaunt from Forks, but their newest cheese bears the name of a familiar book. I think they are pretending it is a coincidence.

Bella and Edward, cheesing it up.