Team Deer: The Dread Pirate Edward

Monday, March 23, 2009

The Dread Pirate Edward

If Edward grew a mustache and put on a pirate mask, and traded his khaki and beige wardrobe for swashbuckling black, Bella wouldn't need to hear him say "As you wish" or

anything else for that matter in order to know it was him. He can't have a secret identity. You can't hide that glitter behind a mask!

Ew. A mustache? On Edward? Inconceivable!

Also. The Dread Pirate Edward wouldn't need to come back in disguise in the first place because he wouldn't have to teach Bella a lesson about having faith in true love. If Edward said he was coming back, Bella would believe him. Just like in New Moon she believed him when he said he wasn't coming back and that he didn't love her.

In fact, he wouldn't need to run off to seek his fortune on a pirate ship in the first place either, in order to woo Bella. But a vampire pirate is way hotter than a regular old vampire. Or a regular old pirate.

Could Edward withstand The Machine? Is he immune to iocane powder? It doesn't matter. He wouldn't be subjected to torture at the hands of the Six Fingered Man. He wouldn't have to engage in a battle of wits. To the death. No indeed! Humans are no match for him in the first place.

And yet, there are parallels in the stories. I can imagine Jacob (Canine of Unusual Size?) and Edward fighting over Bella, finding they are quite equally matched in skill, and then revealing that they are neither of them left handed. Cocky teenage boys! Showing off!

Carlisle is clearly Miracle Max, hoping to chocolate coat the miracle pill of vampire transformation.

Edward's eyes aren't exactly like the sea after a storm. Unless it's a sea of butterscotch.

And finally since the invention of the kiss, yes there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. Edward's and Bella's would have outdone them all, even and especially Wesley and Buttercup's. How do you compete with a vampire kiss? Hot!