+
David Zucker
=
Rosalie and Bella are fighting over Edward as they all shack up together in a cute little Spanish Villa. But three’s a crowd and their little ménage a trois comes to an end when Bella tears her shirt right down the middle, grabs Rosalie in a headlock, and body slams her against the Spanish tiles. Rosalie takes up the bongos and Bella goes on “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”
In the next scene, Edward has taken a job at a fitness studio, chews gum constantly, and tries to sell a disc he found in the men’s locker room -- which contains blueprints of a secret city hidden below Gotham -- to George W. (who looks as amazingly handsome as Josh Brolin). George isn’t interested so Edward convinces Bella to come back to him and make an amateur porno to raise rent money.
In the final scene, a brief montage of Edward’s last few years; trying to ruin Rosalie’s wedding to Mr. Big, running (with bad hair) for public office in San Francisco, beating up an Asian gang. Then the camera pulls back to show him as a child, eight or nine, perched on a stool and reading to Bella, now 35 or so, who reclines in the bath next to him. What book is that in his hands? “Rise of the Cullens” by Stephanie Meyer.
Thanks to: Vicki Cristina Barcelona, The Wrestler, The Visitor, Slumdog Millionaire, Burn After Reading, The Dark Knight, W., Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Rachel Getting Married, Sex and the City, Milk, Gran Torino, The Reader, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Rise of the Lycans, and of course, Twilight!
And still, we know almost nothing about Edward's penis.
I watch too much television.
ReplyDelete