Showing posts with label DESTINY JEAN. Show all posts
Showing posts with label DESTINY JEAN. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Battle of Wits

With the approach of a new year, I have decided that it is time to wrap up a few things here at TDH. Do not fret! We will continue with the jokes and the revelations (even if I am off - grid more than I would like to be). However, there is one thread that I believe should be put to rest.

Mayhaps you recall the Twifight?

Jean, I would like to challenge you to a battle of wits.


It's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of woman who would mistake pajamas for an outfit?


Now, a clever woman would know the difference between pajamas and suits. She would know that only a great fool would be confused. I'm not a great fool, so clearly Rob is wearing pajamas. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I clearly must assume that Rob is not wearing pajamas!.

Have I made my decision? Not remotely. Because Rob comes from England, as everyone knows. And England is entirely peopled with the anti-fashioned. And the British are used to having people mistake their outerwear for pajamas, which explains the belt. So I can clearly not call these linens bedclothes!

Truly, a dizzying intellect. But wait till I get going! Where was I? Ah yes, England...
You must have suspected I would have known Rob's origin, so I can clearly call these duds pajamas!

Rob, going to bed, in a dinner jacket.

You'd like to think that I'm stalling, wouldn't you?
You have evaded my previous arguments which means you're exceptionally strong of mind. So, you could have pretended they were not pajamas and trusted your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the "indie outfit" argument. But, you've also bested my witty comments which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that Rob is weird so you would have put the pajama thesis as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose this for myself.

You think I'm trying to trick you, but I'm not! You've given everything away! I know what Rob is wearing! I will make my choice! and I choose!...

What is that over there!



What was that? Was I supposed to say something else? Hmmm... But the choice does not matter. Clearly I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a French. Ever."

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Conversation Starters: Jackson Rathbone

Breaking News!

It turns out that Jackson Rathbone, portrayor of Jasper Cullen, is going to be performing with his band, 100 Monkeys. The show takes place in Vancouver on September 12th, and I think it would be a perfect opportunity to test out some of these conversation starters. You are all invited to come watch me make an ass out of myself as I shout them wildly toward the stage.


Method 1: Common Ground
Hey Jackson,
-Sometimes I take pictures of myself with my guitar, too. Would you like to pose with my guitar?
-I'm in a band too! We're playing a show next week. Invitation only. You are invited.

Method 2: Feign Ignorance
- Hey, that was a great show you played tonight... do I know you from somewhere?
- Hey, what are you doing after the show? What was that? Meeting up with your costars? What costars? Oh. Hell-o


Method 3: Mel Style
-Sometimes, I imagine you and RP doing a duet. Sometimes, I am the only one watching.
-When I think of you I cut myself.
- Is it hard to fit one hundred monkeys on stage? What if they are on fire? What if I could duplicate myself? Would you like having 100 of me on stage? Can I have 100 of you -- (this is when security drags me out)

Method 4: Lyrical Style
- In the center of the city of the night, I'll be waiting for you (The Killers)
- I would love to be the lucky one on chill avenue, who can keep your heart warm when ice has turned it blue. (The Clash)

Method 5: What would actually happen
- Hey Jackson, can I have your autogra-Aahg! (I see RP standing behind him, faint, am dragged away
- I brought my ukulele to play you a song. (I play, Jackson faints, is dragged away)
- Jasper! I mean shit.
- Bring me sweet Texan love! (Nothing happens)
- ... (lots of giggling, very little progress)


"Did you really just ask me about Edward's penis?"

Anyone? Anyone?