What We Do Know: Part 58

Poor Jacob can never manage to get anywhere with Bella because Edward always interrupts.

"Always in the way!"

Oh, Edward.

It's always in the way.

I Know What You Are

Say it.

Out loud.

Say it.


"Santa Claus."

He’s impossibly fast and strong so he can haul lots of loot all over the world in one short night. He never eats or drinks anything, which is why the cookies I left out get eaten by my Dad. He speaks like he’s from a different time, because duh, Santa Claus has been around for centuries. His skin is ice cold, from living in the North Pole.

He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.

He knows if you've been bad or good, because of Alice for goodness sake!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM TEAM DEER!

Edvent Calendar - Day 22

What if you found out that Edward, like Santa, was a fake? What if it was as if he never existed?

Eclipse Soundtrack: BECK!

This is the second of two songs about the infamous night in Edward's bed where Bella comes to her senses. While The Bravery's "Ours" is more about a frozen moment in time, let's not forget, blah blah blah a la Good Riddance, etc. this song is about two people who would prefer to disappear together entirely. It's ooozing sexy.


Touch me I'm cold, unable to control
Touch me I'm golden and wild as the wind blows
And tumbling tumbling, don't go fascination
If just for tonight darling, let's get lost

Holy crap, is this song about Edward or is this song about Edward?

Subtle? Not even a little bit! Hot? Heck yes!

Let me come closer, I'm not your shadow

Um, ok. SWOON!

Let's get lost, Edward!

Movie Review: Cedward Diggory and the Goblet of Fire

The first time most of us glimpsed our Deer Mr. Pattinson was quite likely when we saw Cedric drop from a tree. And while most of us wouldn't dare say "Potter Stinks" I think it's fair to admit that most of us were quite happily pro-Cedric.

Obviously this is a lovely Harry Potter movie that you certainly don't need anyone to tell you about. But how can we resist offering you our special brand of innuendo, wand jokes, and RPatz commentary? Of course we can't resist!

Oh, Cedric.

Rob's Hair

Glorious!

Lovely, as always!

In this iteration it is glossy and flopsy and very wizard-jock-golden-boy. Rita Skeeter gets right in there and fondles his lovely locks --"What mysteries do the muscles mask? Does courage lie beneath those curls?" -- and then she situates herself in a Cedric/Harry sandwich before she whisks Harry off to a broom cupboard for a tête-à-tête. She's a (dirty old) woman after my own heart.


Rob's Quotes

First, here's how Harry gives Cedric the inside info in a very straightforward manner: "Dragons. That's the first task. They brought one for each of us."

Now here's how Cedric gives Harry the inside info in a roundabout and more-than-slightly suggestive manner: "You know the Prefects' bathroom on the 5th floor?" [Flashes winning smile. Leans closer to Harry.] "Not a bad place for a bath." [Nudge nudge wink wink.]


Perhaps my favorite RPatz quote of all time: "Take my body back, Harry!"

Indeed!

And what about other characters' quotes?

Voldemort [after killing Cedric]: "Tsk tsk tsk. Such a handsome boy."

Oh, Professor McGonagall: "Potter is a boy, not a piece of meat!" ...Really? The bathing scene sure fooled me.

[Cedric drops from tree.] Mr. Weasley: "And this strapping young lad must be Cedric, am I right?" Cedric: "Yes sir." Oh, Mr. Weasley. You've never been more right. [Hermione and Ginny exchange a check-out-the-hotness glance.]


Why Rob Chose to Be in This Movie

First off, it's compulsory if you are both British and an actor. You have to sign something when you join the British Actors' Equity Association, I'm quite certain.

Second, who wouldn't agree to let Ralph Fiennes kill you and then touch your face with his bare foot?

Twilight Crossover/Tie-In

I'm pretty sure that in the swimming scene Cedric is wearing--in addition to his custom Hufflepuff swimming suit--a Cullen Crest cuff bracelet.

What can Cedric do that Edward can't?

• Fly.
• Take a sudsy bubblebath with a ghost. (Technically Edward could do this, but he's such a prude he wouldn't.)
• Bleed
• Die
• Bend his wand

What can Edward do that Cedric can't?

• Sparkle
• Nothing else matters
  

Yet they have so much in common, Cedric and Edward! Aside from the affinity for trees, even. They both are really good looking. Well, maybe that's all.

[Insert wand joke.]

Wait! I bet Cedric would also want to kill Bella. Even if he isn't thirsting for her blood--she's just that annoying.

Also, they are both good at haunting their loved ones! The Ghost of Edward appears to Bella; The Ghost of Cedric appears to Harry.

And obviously, just like all the ladies love Edward, they love Cedric. Myrtle calls him, "The other boy....The handsome one." Even Harry's lady Cho can't resist Cedric. She goes to the dance with him instead of Harry.

Cedric looking both youthful and vampirish.

Overall Impressions

Harry is NOT 14.

Recommendation

Buy this movie for Robert Pattinson, watch it again and again for Harry in the bubbles. (He's NOT 14!)

Better or Worse Than Jasper's: Part 5

Better than Jasper's?

This may even be better than Edward's.

Oh, Edward indeed!

Pop Revelations: Hey Edward

This song is so clearly directed at a seething hot (well, cold) vampire who is being all cryptic and coy about "forever" and implying that he's about ready to disappear at any second. Oh, Edward. What a tease!

Hey Princess
(Bella sings)

Hey Princess
Hey Edward
Don't you know all the ways that I want you

Hey good lookin'
Hey smooth talker
Every inch of me says you and I are for real

But it feels so cold
And it feels so sweet

And it feels like everything they said it would be
(Sidebar: Who are "they" and how did they know what "it" would feel like?)

And everything you say to me seems meaningless

'Cause it's nothing much at all
And everything you've said and done now up to this
Well it's cold to the sparkling bone


Guitar: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Woooooooooooooooooooo

Hey Edward
Hey Princess
Don't you know all the ways that I need you
Cause it isn't easy enough to be
lost inside the things that i think i need

And it feels so cold
And it feels so sweet
and it feels like everything i know it shouldn't be

and everything you say to me seems meaningless
cause its nothing much at all
and everything we've said and done now up to this
well it's cold to the sparkling bone

New Moon DVD Extras: Unrequited Sparkle

Conspicuously missing from the audio commentary: Our Deer Mr. Pattinson.

No hilarious nonlinear comments!

No pointing out plot holes!

No questions that make it clear he is just now seeing the movie for the first time!

No being hit on by the director!

How, one might ask, are we supposed to develop a drinking game?

The deleted scenes are sadly lacking in extra kissing/falling onto each other/biting/sparkling scenes. I thought that at least Bella's deleted dream sequence, where Edward is crouching on her bed, might prompt some swooning. There isn't even any gratuitous werewolf kissing!

The highlight of the DVD extras is in Part 4 of the documentary, a brief comment Rob makes while filming the Ghost of Edward Appears During Dirt Bike Rev Up scene. You know the part where the Ghost of Edward puts his hand over Bella's on the dirt bike handle bars and says "Stop."? Rob comments that "I kept noticing how creepy my hand looks." Rob laughs awkwardly and says to his hand, "You stop! Me! Stop!"

Yeah, it was amazing.

In summary: fainting couches were not needed.

Look After My Heart

Remember when Jacob gives Bella a box of conversation hearts in exchange for a lifetime of servitude? The joke was on him. All the hearts are conversing about Edward.

Happy Valentine's Day From Team Deer

Why Muse is the Official Band of Twilight

Stephenie Meyer has done exactly two brilliant things in her life:

1) Dream up Edward Cullen!
2) Have a giant boner for the band Muse.

It is also worth noting that December 15 marks exactly two brilliant occasions:

1) TDH celebrates its one year anniversary as everyone's favorite irreverent Twilight blog (your source for ongoing sparkle penis analysis and general Edward-related hilarity).
2) TDH sees Muse live for the first time, here in our very own Seattle, Washington!

In honor of the double double brilliancy, here's a look at Muse's newest album and how it's all about Edward's penis:

Exhibit A: Uprising

The whole "revolution" thing could be about the Cullens, with their alternative lifestyles, rising up against the Volturri. Or it could be literally something...rising...up.

Exhibit B: Resistance

This song is about the whole "forbidden" aspect of vampire/human love. Awwwww. How sweet. It could be wrong, could be wrong, but it should've been right. And it's about how they have to keep it secret and keep it safe.

Exhibit C: I Belong To You

Duh, it's on the New Moon Soundtrack, clearly it's an ode to Edward. However, you wouldn't notice it in the movie unless you were looking for it (twss). It plays in a random scene where Bella drives off to school in her truck.

The opening line is:

When these pillars get pulled down

Pillar, huh? Someone knows something about something! Moving on...as everyone knows, Bella was in so much pain in New Moon that she felt like she had a hole in her chest, because of Edward who is sparkley and powerful and fast, like lightning:

How much pain has quaked your soul?
How much love could make you whole?
You're my guiding lightning strike.

And then there's the obvious -- Bella dashes off to Italy to save Edward from his misguided suicide attempt:

I've traveled half the world to say, I belong to you

EXHIBIT D: Unnatural Selection

One word: Renesmee.

EXHIBIT E: MK Ultra

No, this song is not about a light beer. It's about the biggest lie ever told, by one Edward Cullen, upon breaking up with Bella, and about Bella hallucinating the Ghost of Edward as a result.

How much deception can you take?
How many lies will you create?
How much longer until you break?
Your mind's about to fall.

Exhibit F: Guiding Light

More New Moon pain. This time it's Edward's pain, after he leaves Bella for her own good:

And fragile and stripped to the core
I can't hurt you anymore

A reference to sparkle:

And sunshine, trapped in our hearts

And then this:

It could rise again, but I'm lost
And crushed I'm cold and confused
with no guiding light left inside
You were guiding, light

Hmmm. Sounds like Edward is having a very specific problem, now that he ran away from Bella. That'll teach him.

Exhibit H: Undisclosed Desires

If they were smart, Muse would have had black and white video footage of Bella and Edward (or just Edward) rolling around on a sandy beach, a la Chris Issak/Wicked Game. Instead, they opted for the band performing in a studio with some lady dancing around in an outfit made out of what is either guitar cables or those automated car wash scrubbers. Neither is sexy. And yet this song is oozing with sexy!

You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine
Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

Not only is that hot, it's clearly about Edward (who thinks he's souless, and is still a virgin anyway) and Bella (who's trying to get under his teeth and into his pants, but not trying hard enough if you know what I'm sayin').

The chorus is all about the whole "Edward is a contradiction" thing with the beauty and the danger and the demons and the sex:

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

All that Twilight sexual tension (read: Edward without a shirt on, looking pained) would have a made a great video for this song. The key-tar and the flailing dancer tangled in cables? Not so much.

In review:

Not Sexy

Sexy

Hey wait a minute. Is this a double mic, or is it someone's sparkely...nevermind.




EXHIBIT: The Rest
Then there are some symphonic pieces that I haven't paid much attention to, but I'm sure they're just fantastic and evocative of everyone's favorite sparkley bits.

New Moon Duets: Crush

If Edward and Bella have anything in common, it is their flair for the melodramatic...

Crush by Garbage with guest appearances by The Ghost of Edward

-Edward and Bella-

I would die for you
I would die for you
I've been dying just to feel you by my side
To know that you're mine

-Bella-
I will cry for you
I will cry for you
I will wash away your pain with all my tears
And drown your fear

-Edward-
I will pray for you
I will pray for you

-Bella-
I will sell my soul for something pure and true
Someone like you

-Bella-
See your face every place that I walk in
Hear your voice every time I am talking
-Edward-

You will believe in me
And I will never be ignored

-Bella-
I will burn for you
Feel pain for you
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart
I'll tear it apart

-Edward-
I will lie to you
I can steal from you

I will crawl on hands and knees until you see
You're [can't be] like me

-Bella-

Violate all my love that I'm missing
Throw away all the pain that I'm living
-Edward-

You will believe in me
And I can never be ignored

-Edward-
I would die for you
I would kill for you
I will steal [cars] for you
-Bella-

I would wait for you

I'd [hallucinate] you
-Edward-

I'd [hide in your room] for you
I'd [sparkle] for you
To be close to you
To be a part of you
-Edward-

'Cause I believe in you
I believe in you
I would die for you.

NMS: Roslyn

"caught in the undertow"

who isn't?

The Ghost of Edward

Oh no! Edward is fading out of the picture!

How can we bring him back Doc? BRING HIM BACK

In related news, Edward wouldn't need the car if he wanted to go back to the future.

We already know how fast he is.

What We Do Know: Part 30

It's gorgeous. Obviously.

What We Do Know: Part 19

It's as white as a ghost.

New Moon Solo: A Ghastly Tune

We all know Edward to be a brooding, self loathing sort of vampire...

And so's his ghost!

Apparently his ghost is also musical. If I had to see Edward's ghost, I would prefer to have him sing a lovelorn ballad to me, and not just shout warnings like "Don't talk to werewolves!" or, "You left your lights on agaaaaain."

Brought to you, once again, by The Dutchess and the Duke

Lyrics to I Am Just A Ghost :
Don't waste your love on me,
Because tonight I'll be a ghost.

Don't hold me in your heart,
Because tonight I'll be a ghost.

Don't put your arms around me,
Don't tell me that you need me
'Cause I can't give you nothing that you need.

And if you think you know me,
I know it can't be easy
To look for something I could never see

Don't tell me it's all alright
'Cause everything inside is wrong with me.
Like a hunted thief that's hiding in the night
I'm stealing all the things that you want me to be.

And if you ever loved me,
You'll leave me where you found me.
And don't you let me catch you crying for me.

It's all I ever wanted,
And now I've finally got it,
And after all I'm just a memory.

Well I ain't got no hands and ears
And I ain't got no heart to love.
I ain't got no hand to hold
And it's enough to drive you crazy.
I ain't got no hand to hold
And I ain't got no ribs to hug
I ain't got no heart to love
And it's enough to drive you crazy.
I ain't got no hands to hold
And I ain't got no heart to love
I ain't got no heart to love
And it's enough to drive you crazy.
I ain't got no heart to love
I ain't got no hand to hold
And I ain't got no lips and eyes,
And it's enough to drive you crazy.

We know very little about Edward's Ghost's penis. We know he has no lips, eyes, hands, ears, heart or ribs, but...

New Moon Duets: Nothing To You

Sometimes, things happen. Sometimes Edward leaves and there's nothing left but hallucinations, emptiness, and bad behavior. It's excruciating and epic. And musical.

Nothing To You

Edward:

Well my kind's been around forever
And I claim to be one of the few
And the lost cause of words walks away with my nerves

Cause I’m gay as a choir boy vampire for you

Bella:
You got hair that recalls me of rivers
Runs softly while you I dream of you
But your heart is so cold that it shivers
Cause all that I know is I'm nothing to you

Edward:
And I followed you into the party
That no one invited me to
But alone I made love to sucked blood from my 40
And played make-believe it was you

Bella:

But I watched you forget your steal my belongings
Belongings you've got quite a few I had gotten from you
I filled up your my bags with my longings
And searched through this whole, wide city for you

And we'll walk 'neath the street lamps forever
You'll say you remind me of you

It's so damn cliche that it's clever
It's so fucking false, you think that it's true

Edward:

But I heard that you forgot that you were (a) lover
And lovers you've got one or two
But you can't tell one from the other

Now mama Bella now you’re nothing to you

Both:

And it's down by the riverside (wasting away)

And it's down by the riverside (beating the clay)

And it's down by the riverside (wasting away)

And it's down by the riverside (beating the clay)

One for the Seattle Heat Wave

Oh my god that's so hot.