A Picture Speaks 1000 Words

I'm pretty sure Stephenie Meyer was looking at the wrong picture when she wrote Breaking Dawn.

Oh, Bill.

You aren't our favorite vamp. You're nothing special. You aren't superfast, supercoiffed, supersensing and supermassively hot like Edward. (But then who is?) You aren't a badass punkrock smartass slayer-killing Hellmouth-incinerating Spike. Heck, you aren't even as good at brooding as Angel! As the newborn Jessica says: "I'll find a real vampire and he'll kick your ass!"

Yes, you're nothing special. And still, you do have a little je ne sais vampire...


Assignment: Compare and Contrast True Blood (and the books by Charlaine Harris) & Twilight

What Stephenie stole: mind reading as a plot device, love triangle--specifically dangerous vampire love interest vs. safe shapeshifting best friend type.

What Stephenie did better: One word -- sparkle.

And also, True Blood pretty much just seems to be about the sex. (I mean it just ain't an episode of True Blood unless you've seen Jason's naked butt. Twice.) And I'm talking about the books too. I'm not saying that I mind (see below, what Stephenie shoulda stole). And really, Charlaine Harris isn't trying to tell the same kind of story as Stephenie Meyer. But gosh, give me Edward in epic love story and that's all a girl needs. Ever. The attraction, the heightening tension, drawing out the anticipation....and...sparkle! Well done, Stephenie.

What Stephenie shoulda stole: the sex scenes duh.

Also, book Bill can levitate. Ohmygawd I bet Edward would look good levitating.

In the book, Sookie can tell that vampires glow, but most other humans can't tell that. It would have been cool for Bella to have been like, "Dude, I can totally see your sparkles. Even in the shade."

Charlaine Harris also does a good job of poaching from Ann Rice, where vampires blurr the lines between sexuality and biting, without regards to gender. One of the nasty vampire villains in Dead Until Dark walks in and gives Bill a big ol' kiss on the mouth. There should be lots more of that going on with the Twilight sparkley vamps.

True Douche

Book Bill wins the douche-off. No contest whatsoever. Outfit 1 - striped golf shirt, shiney loafers. Outfit 2 - jeans and a Grateful Dead tshirt. Outfit 3 - button up shirt, khakis and sandals. Sandals?! (Am I even allowed to blog about this? I don't think I like Bill well enough to include him with the likes of Angel and Edward.)

Bill Compton is even douchier
than the original vampire Bill, William the Bloody

TV Bill is pretty douchey too. He's not fooling anyone by stealing Book Edward's khaki and dying it blue. It's like he's a well-dressed prison inmate.

Bill shows us the softer side of Sears--for vampires.

His hair is weird. Do they dye it black in the middle of season one? Does it just bother me so much just because Edward's hair is so spectacular? Or is Bill's hair just that douchey?

And when Bill emerges from the earth, neked, covered in dirt, he is all weird looking and lumpy. Is it just that the actor isn't attractive? (Sidebar: Cover naked Edward in dirt! Or not.)

"I stole this jacket from Angel. He stopped wearing it ten years ago."

TV Bill plays piano and it's all ragtimey and shit. There's Bill in his old southern mansion plunking away on his piana again -- no thank you! Now juxtapose that image with Robert Pattinson actually playing the piano, as Edward, with his cute little Cullen Crest cuff bracelet and his bouffant and his pursed lips. And his hands! Those lucky piano keys! Play me, Edward! Play me!

Hotness.

Book Sookie is an even bigger douche than the lot of them! Denim jumpers? Scrunchies? What is this, 1992? No wait, it's 1982 because she's wearing a flippin' BANANA CLIP.

Sookie, selling homewoven handicrafts

Don't even get me started on Eric The Vampire and his douchey qualities.

Eric the Vampire, pictured shortly after Oceanic Flight 815 crashed

Finally, after all the douchery, a little something to cleanse your palate:

This is not Angel's jacket. Hot!

Product Placement / Middle Age

Oh, Edward. Sometimes you're a supermassive asshole.


Is that a family vehicle? A yuppie douchebag excuse for a minivan? Does it match your khaki? Does it match your outdated notions of sexuality? Heaven forbid you are overcompensating for something with a conspicuously expensive, high performance, vehicle.

While we adore watching you arrive at school in slooooooow moooooooooootion (really. we do. that's how you look when we dream about you, only you have a british accent and sometimes a top hat) maybe you should consider a more youthful vehicle.

While you're at it, just wear the (that's my) t-shirt. No need for that outer shirt that obscures your cute little pasty white jacob-wannabe-biceps.

Love,
Team Deer

What We Do Know: Part 22

It isn't cheap.

(Too bad.)

And We Thought We Were Dirty Old Women

The hottest hotties...the hottest teens to me are the uh....the Twilight fans.

-Robert Pattinson

That's My (Wet) T-Shirt

The one thing Twilight is missing is a good old fashioned pond-diving scene.

Sure, the scene in question was invented for the Pride and Prejudice BBC mini-series, and appears nowhere in the novel itself. But Jane herself probably would have participated in the collective swoon heard round the world when ladies everywhere first viewed that scene. And sometimes book-to-film adaptations need to take some liberties in order to visually interpret what the narrative in the novel would have described to us. And gosh, what a perfect way to show Darcy's wealth (That's My Pond), vulnerability (mussed hair, caught unawares) and vitality (clingy trousers).

Just like Jane Austen fans enjoyed seeing Mr. Darcy's nipples, we members of Team Edward would appreciate a little wet t-shirt action please. Catherine "Rob is So Hot" Hardwicke attempted to oblige us with the brief scene in which Edward and Bella discuss vampirism. She certainly did her best to drench him with as much water as possible, while completely ignoring that one girl (whatshername? Beatrice? Beulah?). But alas, Edward was clad in a dark shirt and all we see is water trickling down his face. Nice, but not quite as iconic.

Oh well. Maybe there will be such a scene in the Breaking Dawn movie on the beach. In the mean time, we shall have to make do with these brilliant photographs.