Edvent Calendar - Day 17

A Swoon in Holiday Finery

Edvent Calendar - Day Two

Edward in his peacoat, having Christmas dinner.

It's Rhetorical: Foundation Garments

Do the Cullen ladies needs to wear bras?

Or is perkiness just another perk of being a vampire?

Let’s Talk for a Minute about Carlisle’s Wardrobe

Is there a rule that Carlisle has to wear a cardigan and/or some sort of neck ornament if he isn't wearing his lab coat?


Is that supposed to make him look old enough to have teenage foster kids? Because it just makes him look like a douchebag.

And he dresses this way when he is at home alone with his family! I can understand misguided attempts to fool the humans into thinking he's old--creating the illusion of a middle aged fatherly type. But at home?


Again, I have to ask. Alice? Hellooooo? Are you the one responsible for Carlisle's wardrobe? What are you thinking?

Sidebar: Why bother casting really hot Cullen men if you are just going to douse them with powdered sugar and lipstick (omg that's so hot) and awful unnatural hair colors or wigs? Are you trying to make them less attractive than Edward? Because I would kind of be ok with it if they were all equally attractive.

Sidebar #2: Could someone please hurry up and cast this man in a Jane Austen movie? He doesn't even have to learn a British accent. He doesn't have to speak at all. He can just alternate between an eye twinkle and general smoldering. Maybe even in a more natural hair color.

The New Moon Vision Alice Shows Aro

Oh, COME ON Alice! For the love of Edward!

Why do we get latter-day virgin as Bella's first romp as a vampire? Why?

Why this?

And not this?

This is clearly two fashion-forward vamps in a dark, soulless meadow. Just add sparkle!

Isn't Alice supposed to be on the cutting edge? More Paris runway than Little House on the Prairie? More leather and stiletto than khaki and virginal white?

Oh, Alice.

What We Do Know: Part 44

"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon"It's shocking!

A Battle of Wits

With the approach of a new year, I have decided that it is time to wrap up a few things here at TDH. Do not fret! We will continue with the jokes and the revelations (even if I am off - grid more than I would like to be). However, there is one thread that I believe should be put to rest.

Mayhaps you recall the Twifight?

Jean, I would like to challenge you to a battle of wits.

It's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of woman who would mistake pajamas for an outfit?


Now, a clever woman would know the difference between pajamas and suits. She would know that only a great fool would be confused. I'm not a great fool, so clearly Rob is wearing pajamas. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I clearly must assume that Rob is not wearing pajamas!.

Have I made my decision? Not remotely. Because Rob comes from England, as everyone knows. And England is entirely peopled with the anti-fashioned. And the British are used to having people mistake their outerwear for pajamas, which explains the belt. So I can clearly not call these linens bedclothes!

Truly, a dizzying intellect. But wait till I get going! Where was I? Ah yes, England...
You must have suspected I would have known Rob's origin, so I can clearly call these duds pajamas!

Rob, going to bed, in a dinner jacket.

You'd like to think that I'm stalling, wouldn't you?
You have evaded my previous arguments which means you're exceptionally strong of mind. So, you could have pretended they were not pajamas and trusted your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the "indie outfit" argument. But, you've also bested my witty comments which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that Rob is weird so you would have put the pajama thesis as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose this for myself.

You think I'm trying to trick you, but I'm not! You've given everything away! I know what Rob is wearing! I will make my choice! and I choose!...

What is that over there!



What was that? Was I supposed to say something else? Hmmm... But the choice does not matter. Clearly I fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is "Never get involved in a land war in Asia." But only slightly less well known is this: "Never go in against a French. Ever."

The Douche-off: Edward vs. Angel

Welcome back to the Douche-off Awards! As you may remember from many months ago, Book Edward is the current title holder -- will he lose his grasp on the D-Nozzle when pitted against Angel, douche-vamp of the 90's?

Suggested song for Douche-off: Queen -- Another One Bites the Dust

Wardrobe

Oh Angel. Angel, Angel, Angel. You attempt to harden your appearance like any century old, clueless vampire: silk shirts, velvet pants, wife beaters, leather jackets... with shoulder pads.

And then there is Edward. Khaki, white sleeveless shirts, knit sweaters...

really? is THAT how you decide to "blend in" with your peers? Funny, I don't remember any mention of mathletes or marching band.

In this case, we will have to stick with photographic facts. And the evidence suggests that -- much to our chagrin -- Edward can pull off pretty much any outfit. Angel wins the douche-pad... though research suggests he has enough padding.

Time spent in front of mirror

Angel can't see himself in the mirror, so by default, Edward wins. Maybe he uses the douche for his hair?... Did I go too far?

Hair -- flat top vs. bouffant.

The only real question is, how does Angel make his hair so douchey without a mirror?

Moves with the Ladies

Edward has some vestiges of romance. He takes Bella to an italian restaurant, and a meadow. Angel? He waits until after the apocalypse to even think about asking Buffy on a date. Way to be there for your beloved.

Using Your Words -- Edwords vs. Angelic Accents

To be honest, I am not entirely sure where Angel is supposed to hail from. Angelic flashbacks seem to span a plethora of accents, none of them done with conviction. But Edward. Well. I'm pretty sure he can employ any accent he wants. And while charming ladies with a practiced accent is a bit douchey, its even worse if you can't do it right. Angel, that douche bag is alllll yours.

Villainisms
If you think regular ol' Angel is a douche, how about Bad Angel? He can't even be a good villain! Spike says it best: "If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack." (Sidebar: a full sack of what? And whose sack is he playing with?) Another excellent Spikism: "Angel's as dull as a table lamp."

Good Edward, Good Angel -- both douchey. Bad Edward, on the other hand, is very good at bad. There is no other explanation for his ability to make ladies swoon despite his douchisms. Trust me, I've looked (for an explanation, that is...)

Tally ho

We could tally the score... but as one who has a soft spot for underdogs, I say we just give Angel a thumbs up (for being douchey) and give Edward a pat on the back for honorable mention.

Stay tuned for more exciting comparisons!

Dear Jean

Observe: Pant/shirt combos with high douche-factor

We're in a Fight: I'm right.

I knew it was a bad idea. Usually when these magazines with Robert Pattinson doing photo shoots where he pretends to be my boyfriend come out, I resist purchasing them, and only look at the pictures online.

Today Jean and I braved the mocking smirks of bookstore cashiers in order to purchase the Robert Pattinson magazine, officially named "Vanity Fair" or something. Maybe you have heard of this magazine.

ANYWAY.

Despite Jean's efforts to distract me by playing Twilight in the background, I will state my case!

Photographic Specimen A:

Me: They're Pajamas

Jean: No, its some sort of suit thing.

Me: Yeah. Its a suit... for bedtime

Jean: No! Look at this other picture! Its an outfit

Me: No its not

Jean: Yes it is

Me: Not

Jean: Is

I confess, I made a bold move -- an underhanded move. I consulted Michael.

Michael: Those look like pajamas to me (THANK YOU!) or maybe cabana wear?

I can see how these linens might be construed as casual beach wear. However...

Note:

- The stripes!

- The matching top and bottom (twss)!

- Despite the fact that he probably shouldn't be wearing anything to bed, I think it is very clear that these are traditional nighty night clothes.

- And there is a blanket.

- And a cigarrette.

- AND cheap beer... classic bedtime accoutrement!!!

Why Jean? WHY?

Pop Revelations Part X: Now That's a Sweater...

If you want to destroy my sweater
(pause for fainting, dramatic effect)
...
...

Just pull this thread as I walk away
watch me unravel
I'll soon be naked
lying on the floor
I come undone

I bet you didn't see that one coming (twhs).

What do we know about the Volturi? Well, we know even less about them than we do about something else that we know 10 things about (not to be confused with 10 things I hate about you.) They hail, stylistically, from classic bloodsucking fiends; Dark, powerful, eeeeevil. Oh yeah, and European.

We also know, through various revelations, that the Volturi often step in to make sure the secrets of their world go undiscovered. What is stopping them from also using pop culture to relay messages to their vampire friends? And how do you think these dark, classy vampires felt when they discovered that Edward, son of their good friend Carlisle, marred the good name vampire by covering it up in a beige knit pullover sweater? Exactly.

Pop Revelations. We've got ten of them.

Edward's Wardrobe, Revised

Fixed.

Fashion Addendum

Since when were floor length khaki skirts considered utterly indecent? 

Especially since the other women in Edward's life have some pretty flashy outfits. Did I just say flashy? 

I like to think that vampires get completely bored with human ideas of modesty, and only wear clothes to blend in, or because fashion provides a distraction. Not because of shame. 

I feel like Rosalie should have a darker fashion style. She's a car fanatic... I bet she could pull off a modified greaser/rockabilly look.  Or a modern version of Olivia Newton John (read: no leather, vinyl, or poodles) . Or a madonna style punk rocker. She should probably also own a jumpsuit -- some sort of car garage/bruce lee hybrid. You know, to complement Emmets track suits. 

Twilight Wardrobe Trauma

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I didn't notice at first. That's part of what makes it so irritating. The books were so good that I went into speed reading mode -- I couldn't be bothered to stop and ponder the wardrobe, though the signs were definitely there.

Maybe it was the build up, all the little things coming together. Or maybe it was because the book 4 plot twists left me feeling like good friend had betrayed me. And once betrayed, you begin to notice all those other things... So It wasn't until book four, when Bella oggles Edward in his tan slacks and grandma sweater. Tan slacks? What? Gag reflex activated!

The details all started coming back to me... The leather jacket, ribbed turtlenecks, sweater vests, khaki and beige and --AGH. I suppose he could be pulling off a GQ model look, possibly. So I could understand one or two sweaters. Or maybe if he were going for a clark kent alter ego... 

I noticed that in the movie, Jasper appeared to be sporting the wardrobe that book Edward had, except with better colors. But Jasper is also older than Edward and has more of a "I'm jaunty and I bite" charisma anyway. 

High school fashion is pretty laughable, I'll admit, but its rare that a teenage boy would try to pull off something akin to Edwards wardrobe. The point of fashion in high school (or in life, really) is to try to tell the world a little bit about your personality through a combination of colors, cuts and styles. If you don't care, your clothes might reflect that. But vampires... what else do they have to think about? They don't sleep. They have all night to pick out an outfit for the next day. And if you're a 17 year old vampire who hasn't had a girlfriend for 100 years, might you brood a bit? Dabble in the darker colors of depressed and more depressed? Wear several different shades of grey? 

And thus ends my Fashion Trilogy Blog.

 

If you were to create a vampire character, what would their style be? Please comment belooow

Just Ask Alice

Oh Alice, if you love fashion so much, why did you let Edward leave the house in a beige leather jacket? You knew he was going to run into Bella that night. Did you really think a white turtleneck sweater would do the trick? DO YOU EVEN CARE!?!

So, Alice is supposed to be this bad ass mind reading vampire with a taste for fashion. In the books, she designs clothes for her family and keeps their wardrobes up to date. The movie did a fair job of updating the wardrobe of the vampires, and making them more stylish than their Olympic Peninsulan school mates. 

As one of those who grew up in the depths of the creepy Western Washington woods, I generally lack style. Or perhaps more accurately, I have many styles, and none of them quite add up. But does this stop me from giving a critique? Of course not! 

I think Alice's movie wardrobe could have been a little different. I think they were trying to make her look weird and edgy. That's fine, but it mainly seemed weird. Her hair is cute, but an older style. Is this because her hair cannot grow out once cut, and she just had to have that spiky year 2000c 'do? Or is it because the book was started several years ago, and its important to keep some of the visual details accurate, even if they are slightly outdated? Will we ever know?

Does Alice use her mind reading abilities to pluck fashion ideas from top designers? That would be pretty cool. We need to see Alice use her visions for trivial things. Like chess games, rock paper scissors... the movie only shows us a minimal amount of Alice and her mind reading abilities... just enough to keep the plot going. I guess movies have to do that. Visual media is all about abridging. Unfortunately this cut out some great lines, like Bella discussing her vampirism --"You won't catch me betting against Alice." A very important thought.

I have hope that the things they didn't manage to fit into this movie will go into the next one. They can fit all these great quotes into the beginning of the next movie, thus putting off Edward's departure until the middle of the movie and successfully shortening the amount of time we have to wait until the exciting conclusion in Volterra. 

I will now sit and wait patiently for the director to call me and ask me to come work on the set. 

Coats, Edwardian.

Bella stared at Edward, her jaw gaping at the sight of him in the sunlight.

"Edward... its beautiful!" She gasped.

"Beautiful?" He scoffed, stepping out of the sunlight and back into shadow.

"Its not. Bella, this-" he popped the collar of his custom made, double breasted wool jacket, as if to emphasise a point... or maybe just to show of the military shoulders, which he pulled of quite well. He continued, "This is the coat of a killer!"

If you haven't done an extensive web search yet for Edward's coats, don't worry about it. I have it allll here! Of course, none of them are exact, but Edward's coat was custom made, so even if some store did start making an exact replication of the custom made jacket, it wouldn't be authentic unless you customized it for yourself in some way. So if you must own his jacket, you are better off buying one of these, and taking some sewing lessons. 

http://www.shopdetour.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=sofg-militaryjacket-greywool&Category_Code=a_men&Store_Code=DCS

http://www.benshermanshop.com/tmpl/en/detail.tmpl?art_count=36;pg=5;count_art_sel=1;id=q3DjVyjuCA4dG-uL1aMJZE;count_cat_sel=6;art_id=35377;count_history_sel=0

And this one looks nothing like it, but I thought it was pretty cool, so yeah

http://www.burton.co.uk/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?langId=-1&storeId=12551&catalogId=20553&productId=904543&categoryId=139025&parent_category_rn=95219

And this one is a blue/grey trench coat, but its pretty close. Just add different buttons and hem it up a bit!

http://www.thatindielook.com/product_info.php?cPath=144_169_171&products_id=1225

So, good luck finding Edward's killer jacket. What about that other grey one? The one he's wearing when he saves her from the van. Its like a grey windbreaker esque material. I'm too exhausted to scour the internet, again.