You Know You're Team Deer IF: Birthday Edition

...you've ever received a birthday post with gratuitous pictures of Robert Pattinson



Edward: Carlisle, I said I wanted a car for my birthday. Whats this noise?
Carlisle: It is a car. A train car.
(...you reinterpret every Robert Pattinson role as Edward in various stages 0f vampirism.)



You wonder what it would be like to be an elephant...




...Or an alligator



You're a fan of the birthday suit.



Happy Birthday Jean!

Movie Review: Little Asses

We hope you enjoy Team Deer's unique take on this RPatz film, Little Assets, er, Ashes.


Rob's Hair

Opening scene: Almost the first thing we see is his hair, but in the first shot it's actually a wig. His hand brushes it behind his ear. Soon after, a closeup of his eye (green, not golden) and eyebrow.

The girl in the movie (yes there is one. just one.) has the same hairdo.

In other news: very little chest hair. No weird left nipple. That must be something that happened to him later.

Rob's Quotes

Other characters' quotes:
"What does Frederico Lorca Garcia feel about all these bloody butterflies? What makes him angry? What turns him on?" Cut to a shot of RPatz, Salvador Dali. Duh.

When Salvador finally wears normal clothes and slicks back his hair:
Luis: "Incredible"
Frederico: "Sensational."
Luis: "The girls will go crazy."
Salvador (RPatz): "I expect so."

After taking a long, longing look at Salvador, Frederico prays: "Holy mother forgive me, I have sinned. I have had impure thoughts. Help me to resist temptation." Oh, Frederico. Join the club.

Why Rob Chose to Be in This Movie

Drinking. Smoking. General weirdness.

Twilight Crossover/Tie-In

Salvador creepily watches Frederico playing piano, like Edward watches Bella. Creepily watches him through the window. Creepily follows him down the street, trying to hide.

Salvador is a tease, just like Edward.

Frederico reading his poetry to Salvador on the rocks is very much akin to Twilight meadow scenes.

Overall Impressions

Salvador in jammies. Lots of Spanish men in shirtsleeves. Little RPatz almost makes an appearance, but it's awkward and not sexy.

However, Robert Pattison kissing anyone = hot.

Recommendation
A summary in Team Deer text messages:

J: Watching Little Asses again.
E: Eeep!
J: Worse than eeep. Also my phone wants me to type deer when i try to type eeep.
E: Is it really bad?
J: Duh.
E: Yeah. I guess I was there. I just prefer not to remember.

Gratuitous Hottness

With the exception of My Johnny Depp, there's been a lot of visually unappealing stuff going on here at TDH. Let's remedy that, shall we?

You're welcome!

Top Hat

What more is there to say?

Landmarks

We at Team Deer rightfully claim full knowledge of Mr. Pattinson's sordid movie career (credited projects only).

Analysis to follow.

We're in a Fight: I'm right.

I knew it was a bad idea. Usually when these magazines with Robert Pattinson doing photo shoots where he pretends to be my boyfriend come out, I resist purchasing them, and only look at the pictures online.

Today Jean and I braved the mocking smirks of bookstore cashiers in order to purchase the Robert Pattinson magazine, officially named "Vanity Fair" or something. Maybe you have heard of this magazine.

ANYWAY.

Despite Jean's efforts to distract me by playing Twilight in the background, I will state my case!

Photographic Specimen A:

Me: They're Pajamas

Jean: No, its some sort of suit thing.

Me: Yeah. Its a suit... for bedtime

Jean: No! Look at this other picture! Its an outfit

Me: No its not

Jean: Yes it is

Me: Not

Jean: Is

I confess, I made a bold move -- an underhanded move. I consulted Michael.

Michael: Those look like pajamas to me (THANK YOU!) or maybe cabana wear?

I can see how these linens might be construed as casual beach wear. However...

Note:

- The stripes!

- The matching top and bottom (twss)!

- Despite the fact that he probably shouldn't be wearing anything to bed, I think it is very clear that these are traditional nighty night clothes.

- And there is a blanket.

- And a cigarrette.

- AND cheap beer... classic bedtime accoutrement!!!

Why Jean? WHY?

Vitamin R vs. Vitamin R

If you google Vitamin R and/or look in the urban dictionary, it turns out it's some song I didn't know about, or Ritalin.

FALSE.

Vitamin R is Charlie Swan's brilliant pet name for Rainer Beer tall boys, and our (stolen) pet name for another tall boy, Robert Pattinson.
Today's assignment: compare and contrast Vitamin R and Vitamin R.

• Effervescence - mmm, bubbles.
• Height - both are tall.
• Refreshing qualities - both are equally cool and delicious and hit the spot.
• Price - one is extremely affordable. The other...???
  
• Availability - unless you like looking at pictures of beer online, one is a LOT more available than the other.
• Availability - I can run to the store to pick up a six pack of one. The other's six pack is more elusive.
  
• Addictive qualities: I can't say I've known anyone to be addicted to Rainer...
• Overdoses: One is much more dangerous. Much much much more.
  

What the heck is that? (TWSS)

Rainier: "A Pure, Light, Delicious, Healthful Beer, that invigorates and strengthens, aids digestion, and produces sound and refreshing sleep."


Rob: Pretty much the same as Ranier, minus the sound and refreshing sleep.

Who wants a refreshing Rainier?

This guy.

Does Edward's penis have anything in common with Vitamin R? We may never know...

Footnotes: Not Just Any Sign

It's like mistletoe, only different...

On first glance, this is a silly tourist photograph of a situationally appropriate sign. But this sign has a greater significance... a paranormal significance... a significance which I will acquaint you with in the following paragraphs.

Do you feel like you are watching Alfred Hitchcock Presents?

you should

Just a few months ago, my friend (and renowned sparkle expert) Ashley accompanied me to Vancouver for a tour of the local cuisine. Indeed, sushi and delicious cheese were high on our list of activities. Were we also excited at the prospect of being in the vicinity of one Robert Pattinson? Perhaps we were. Perhaps we made constant allusions to the fact that we were in a city full of vampires, that at any given moment, Mr. Pattinson could be partaking in the exact same activities we were enjoying -- eating, walking, drinking -- but of course, in a different location.

One of the restaurants we hoped to find, called The Salt Tasting Room just so happened to be located on a street called Blood Alley(blood is salty, right?). A mere coincidence? I think not --if we had any hopes of meeting RP, surely it would happen in Blood Alley, amidst the towers of wine and cheese that we were promised by the salt lick. or whatever.

Ashley and I set off on foot down W. Hastings Street with google map in hand, ready to have the best time ever. Did I mention that we had spent a good two hours tackling not one, but two boats of sushi? It's pretty much impossible to squash a sushi buzz of such proportions. We would not be deterred by hell or high water. Or junkies. Or the obvious lack of alleys named Blood.

Blood Alley proved elusive. The junkies, however, were out in full force (enter sagebrush and foreboding whistle). Each time we circled the blocks, the concentration of junkies grew at exponential rates until we were wandering through an entire sea of them.

I believe the saying is "third time's a charm." So when we once again came across the dreaded W. Hastings (informally known as junkie alley by now), we decided to quit our search for cheese and set out for another location in which to rest our bones. At this point I felt skeptical that anyone named Robert Pattinson would exist anywhere near a place called Junkie Alley.

Our small party discovered a bar in downtown Vancouver that didn't have a line of meat marketeers -- a small Irish bar with an enthusiastic crowd. We couldn't be at odds with Vancouver, not when the jovial bartender handed me a frothful glass of Guinness. Not when a couple of fellows played live music, which the entire bar sang along to. Not even when the nosey nose dude spit on our onion rings, water, faces etc. Wherever RP was, whatever he was doing, it couldn't top our night.

It turns out Mr. Pattinson was hunkered down in a bar just two blocks away.

Everything fell into place. The lack of blood (and alleys), the surreal experience of wandering through gastown, the nosey nose guy -- clearly Mr. Pattinson and I exist in parallel universes, and ne'er the twain shall meet!

Well, do you have a better explanation?

Anyway. A few weeks ago, as Sydney and I wandered along the daylit streets of Gastown, I made a small joke about Blood Alley.

Sydney: Oh yeah, that's just a few blocks down from here! I'll show you.

So there I am, standing at Blood Alley, the gateway to another universe.

The End.

Robert Pattinson Inadvertently Endorses TDH!

I had no idea people could get so obsessed.
But it's not scary - it's amazing.
-Robert Pattinson

Sounds like someone wants to find out more about Edward's penis.

And We Thought We Were Dirty Old Women

The hottest hotties...the hottest teens to me are the uh....the Twilight fans.

-Robert Pattinson

Birthday, of the Pattinson Variety

Dear Rob,

Hi, How are you? Well, its your BIRTHDAY so you should be having a great day. What was that? You ARE having a great day? Well, what about tomorrow? And the next day? Its not your job to think that far ahead. That's our job. Here at TDH we have come up with a few gifts that keep on giving, some tried and true recipes to make life great for days to come!

Specimen 1: Screaming Twihard

What is a Twihard? Does it have something to do with something we know very little about? Perhaps not. Perhaps it is just a nickname adopted by innocent, screaming fans -- now in liquid form! 

After one of these, you'll be screaming too... 

The Screaming Twihard (measurements approximate):

1 oz Tequila (I am lucky enough to have Patron. You might not be so lucky... but you are welcome to have some of mine)

1/2 oz Vodka: Regular or Raspberry

Top off with 1 oz Coke: Plain or Cherry

What's that you say? It smells like your high school girlfriend? EXACTLY.

Note: I just tried this. It actually wasn't quite as terrible as I thought it would be. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT drink the tequila/raspberry vodka mixture without the coke. 

Specimen 2: Fanpire Elixir

A long day of encounters with Screaming Twihards (liquid or otherwise) might leave you feeling weak and exhausted. Let us direct you toward the perfect cure:

The Fanpire Elixir:

Handful of Mint Leaves

Juice of one Limey... er... Lime

2 t sugar

A few raspberries 

Rum 

Tonic

In highball glass full of ice, muddle the mint, lime, sugar, and raspberries. Add the rum. Stir or shake. Top with Tonic or Club Soda. 

Mint is known to be relaxing and rejuvinating, especially when combined with alcohol. Pitcher sized portions are a recommended for particularly tiresome days. Amen

Note: I just found a mojito recipe that uses gin. GIN! 

Specimen 3: Superhuman Moron

Some days are just really bad. Sometimes, donning that peacoat just makes you feel like a moron. We are here to tell you that you are not. All you need is some liquid courage! I recommend a flask of spiced rum or whiskey. Either will taste pretty good on their own, and can easily be tipped into a glass of soda. Besides, what are peacoats for, if not to conceal something tasty and forbidden? That's right, I said it. 

Superhuman Moron:

1 flask of spiced rum or whiskey

1 peacoat

1 glass of preferred mixer (optional)

Hide flask in coat. Take out and drink when no one is watching. Spike other people's drinks, just for funsies. 

Specimen 4: Hey, That's your T-shirt 

It just wouldn't be a birthday if you didn't wake up the next day with little memory of the night before, and even less clothing. A drink, to T-shirts everywhere!

That's My T-Shirt

Well, that's all we've got up our sleeves for now. 

Love,

TDH

Breaking News! Robert Pattinson's Future Love Child to Take Residence in Seattle. More at 11...

Thats right friends, sources tell me I am a likely candidate to be the carrier of Robert Pattinson's love child. 

Frankly, I did not believe the news at first, but it was brought to me in such

 a manner that I could not doubt it! Kurt Cobain, my beyond-the-grave boyfriend of one year, spent the past few weeks hanging out with powers of ethereal stature, where he overheard such and such talking to so and so about the impending event.

But I don't even know Robert Pattinson! How is this possible? How can this be? Kurt stood by his otherworldly sources, and informed me that when the powers are high (and they usually are) they work in mysterious ways.

Sources say the mysterious event will happen sometime between now and later. 

I asked Kurt how he felt about it. Was he mad? He said he wasn't, and that

he thought it was "Pretty hot," and then continued to mumble something that sounded like "partially my love child too." I ignored the strange gleam in his eye and moved on to more important topics.

What should I eat for breakfast?

Before I could continue on with my day, Kurt said he forgot to tell me the most important thing of all. 

"April Fools!" 

That's right. It was a big joke, all along.

All this time, I thought I was a fool for no one! But it turns out I'm a fool for two...

Yet still, there are some facts that even Kurt won't fool around with. 

Conversation Starters: Robert Pattinson

A fortnight ago, I was assigned with the task of coming up with opening lines for if I ever ran into any of the Twilight cast. I have categorized my conversation starters into 5 simple methods. Below are a few words I might use if I ever happened to catch Robert Pattinson... 

unawares... (of course I am starting with him, of course!)

Consider yourself warned.

Method 1: Common ground

Hey Robert... 

-I don't like to wash my hair either. See? (RP slooooowly backs away)

-I have an uncle named Robert! Wow! Lets talk about that. He's a ninja. So am I. Do you like ninjas? (RP disappears in a puff of smoke)

-I'm a musician too! You know, there's a great club in seattle called 16th Ave, Apt #4... I could totally get you a gig. 

Method 2: Feign Ignorance

Hey...

-Can I bum a smoke? Oh, don't I know you from somewhere? (RP sloooowly backs away)

-Do you know where a good Karaoke bar is? Wanna go? Oh, you're robert pattinson? wow! (RP warbles away)

Method 3: Flight of the Conchords, Mel Style

-Edwa- I mean Rob! Sorry!... Unless... do you like to be called Edward? (RP runs away)

-That's a really cool jacket, can I have it? Can I have your pants too? (RP disappears, leaving only a rumpled pile of clothing)

-Oh my god this is so weird that I ran into you right outside of your place where you live! Its just like the dream I had last night... (RP returns to his flat and locks several deadbolts)

-Me: Bite me

  RP: What?

  Me: What?... (RP  runs away)

Method 4: Lyrical Style (Clearly, RP would swoon if I sang anything to him)

-Franz Ferdinand --  With a laugh like that, and a look like that you make us all just go la la la la. 

-Two Gallants -- My lost cause for words walks away with my nerves

-Def Leppard -- All I've got is a photograph but its not enough

-FOTC -- If you want me to, I can hang 'round with you, if I only knew, that's what you're into

-Fugazi -- You should pay rent in my mind

-Debby Country -- Let's move our lips till we turn blue

Method 5: What would probably really happen

-eeeeeeehehehehehehe! (I run away)

-Robert pattinson! (I hyperventilate, then run away)

-Hey that's my t-shirt! (I run away)

- ... ... ... 

-Hey, could you answer some rhetorical questions for me? (questions drowned out by fits of giggles)

Hmm... Edward's what? No actually, I know very little about that. 

Yes, Yes I am Superficial

From time to time, I take a peek at The Superficial, an excellent website about our favorite celebreties. The writer is amazingly hilarious.

So of course, I had to perform a search on Robert Pattinson. I suggest you all do the same. With lines like
"a brooding metaphor for mormonism" and "roguishly stoned looks" how can you resist the read? And to top it all off -- "This guy is like Tickle me elmo for english majors."

Wine consumption might increase enjoyment.

After reading all the Robert Pattinson entries, I also suggest reading the entry about Kayne West in the nude. 

I am thinking the superficialist might have some great insight into this picture. Is that mesh?