Edward Reads his Family's Thoughts

(They're wondering why he gets to look gorgeous, while they have awkward hair and douchey sweaters.)

Oh, Bill.

You aren't our favorite vamp. You're nothing special. You aren't superfast, supercoiffed, supersensing and supermassively hot like Edward. (But then who is?) You aren't a badass punkrock smartass slayer-killing Hellmouth-incinerating Spike. Heck, you aren't even as good at brooding as Angel! As the newborn Jessica says: "I'll find a real vampire and he'll kick your ass!"

Yes, you're nothing special. And still, you do have a little je ne sais vampire...


Assignment: Compare and Contrast True Blood (and the books by Charlaine Harris) & Twilight

What Stephenie stole: mind reading as a plot device, love triangle--specifically dangerous vampire love interest vs. safe shapeshifting best friend type.

What Stephenie did better: One word -- sparkle.

And also, True Blood pretty much just seems to be about the sex. (I mean it just ain't an episode of True Blood unless you've seen Jason's naked butt. Twice.) And I'm talking about the books too. I'm not saying that I mind (see below, what Stephenie shoulda stole). And really, Charlaine Harris isn't trying to tell the same kind of story as Stephenie Meyer. But gosh, give me Edward in epic love story and that's all a girl needs. Ever. The attraction, the heightening tension, drawing out the anticipation....and...sparkle! Well done, Stephenie.

What Stephenie shoulda stole: the sex scenes duh.

Also, book Bill can levitate. Ohmygawd I bet Edward would look good levitating.

In the book, Sookie can tell that vampires glow, but most other humans can't tell that. It would have been cool for Bella to have been like, "Dude, I can totally see your sparkles. Even in the shade."

Charlaine Harris also does a good job of poaching from Ann Rice, where vampires blurr the lines between sexuality and biting, without regards to gender. One of the nasty vampire villains in Dead Until Dark walks in and gives Bill a big ol' kiss on the mouth. There should be lots more of that going on with the Twilight sparkley vamps.

True Douche

Book Bill wins the douche-off. No contest whatsoever. Outfit 1 - striped golf shirt, shiney loafers. Outfit 2 - jeans and a Grateful Dead tshirt. Outfit 3 - button up shirt, khakis and sandals. Sandals?! (Am I even allowed to blog about this? I don't think I like Bill well enough to include him with the likes of Angel and Edward.)

Bill Compton is even douchier
than the original vampire Bill, William the Bloody

TV Bill is pretty douchey too. He's not fooling anyone by stealing Book Edward's khaki and dying it blue. It's like he's a well-dressed prison inmate.

Bill shows us the softer side of Sears--for vampires.

His hair is weird. Do they dye it black in the middle of season one? Does it just bother me so much just because Edward's hair is so spectacular? Or is Bill's hair just that douchey?

And when Bill emerges from the earth, neked, covered in dirt, he is all weird looking and lumpy. Is it just that the actor isn't attractive? (Sidebar: Cover naked Edward in dirt! Or not.)

"I stole this jacket from Angel. He stopped wearing it ten years ago."

TV Bill plays piano and it's all ragtimey and shit. There's Bill in his old southern mansion plunking away on his piana again -- no thank you! Now juxtapose that image with Robert Pattinson actually playing the piano, as Edward, with his cute little Cullen Crest cuff bracelet and his bouffant and his pursed lips. And his hands! Those lucky piano keys! Play me, Edward! Play me!

Hotness.

Book Sookie is an even bigger douche than the lot of them! Denim jumpers? Scrunchies? What is this, 1992? No wait, it's 1982 because she's wearing a flippin' BANANA CLIP.

Sookie, selling homewoven handicrafts

Don't even get me started on Eric The Vampire and his douchey qualities.

Eric the Vampire, pictured shortly after Oceanic Flight 815 crashed

Finally, after all the douchery, a little something to cleanse your palate:

This is not Angel's jacket. Hot!

Let’s Talk for a Minute about Carlisle’s Wardrobe

Is there a rule that Carlisle has to wear a cardigan and/or some sort of neck ornament if he isn't wearing his lab coat?


Is that supposed to make him look old enough to have teenage foster kids? Because it just makes him look like a douchebag.

And he dresses this way when he is at home alone with his family! I can understand misguided attempts to fool the humans into thinking he's old--creating the illusion of a middle aged fatherly type. But at home?


Again, I have to ask. Alice? Hellooooo? Are you the one responsible for Carlisle's wardrobe? What are you thinking?

Sidebar: Why bother casting really hot Cullen men if you are just going to douse them with powdered sugar and lipstick (omg that's so hot) and awful unnatural hair colors or wigs? Are you trying to make them less attractive than Edward? Because I would kind of be ok with it if they were all equally attractive.

Sidebar #2: Could someone please hurry up and cast this man in a Jane Austen movie? He doesn't even have to learn a British accent. He doesn't have to speak at all. He can just alternate between an eye twinkle and general smoldering. Maybe even in a more natural hair color.

Product Placement / Middle Age

Oh, Edward. Sometimes you're a supermassive asshole.


Is that a family vehicle? A yuppie douchebag excuse for a minivan? Does it match your khaki? Does it match your outdated notions of sexuality? Heaven forbid you are overcompensating for something with a conspicuously expensive, high performance, vehicle.

While we adore watching you arrive at school in slooooooow moooooooooootion (really. we do. that's how you look when we dream about you, only you have a british accent and sometimes a top hat) maybe you should consider a more youthful vehicle.

While you're at it, just wear the (that's my) t-shirt. No need for that outer shirt that obscures your cute little pasty white jacob-wannabe-biceps.

Love,
Team Deer

The Douche-off: Edward vs. Angel

Welcome back to the Douche-off Awards! As you may remember from many months ago, Book Edward is the current title holder -- will he lose his grasp on the D-Nozzle when pitted against Angel, douche-vamp of the 90's?

Suggested song for Douche-off: Queen -- Another One Bites the Dust

Wardrobe

Oh Angel. Angel, Angel, Angel. You attempt to harden your appearance like any century old, clueless vampire: silk shirts, velvet pants, wife beaters, leather jackets... with shoulder pads.

And then there is Edward. Khaki, white sleeveless shirts, knit sweaters...

really? is THAT how you decide to "blend in" with your peers? Funny, I don't remember any mention of mathletes or marching band.

In this case, we will have to stick with photographic facts. And the evidence suggests that -- much to our chagrin -- Edward can pull off pretty much any outfit. Angel wins the douche-pad... though research suggests he has enough padding.

Time spent in front of mirror

Angel can't see himself in the mirror, so by default, Edward wins. Maybe he uses the douche for his hair?... Did I go too far?

Hair -- flat top vs. bouffant.

The only real question is, how does Angel make his hair so douchey without a mirror?

Moves with the Ladies

Edward has some vestiges of romance. He takes Bella to an italian restaurant, and a meadow. Angel? He waits until after the apocalypse to even think about asking Buffy on a date. Way to be there for your beloved.

Using Your Words -- Edwords vs. Angelic Accents

To be honest, I am not entirely sure where Angel is supposed to hail from. Angelic flashbacks seem to span a plethora of accents, none of them done with conviction. But Edward. Well. I'm pretty sure he can employ any accent he wants. And while charming ladies with a practiced accent is a bit douchey, its even worse if you can't do it right. Angel, that douche bag is alllll yours.

Villainisms
If you think regular ol' Angel is a douche, how about Bad Angel? He can't even be a good villain! Spike says it best: "If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack." (Sidebar: a full sack of what? And whose sack is he playing with?) Another excellent Spikism: "Angel's as dull as a table lamp."

Good Edward, Good Angel -- both douchey. Bad Edward, on the other hand, is very good at bad. There is no other explanation for his ability to make ladies swoon despite his douchisms. Trust me, I've looked (for an explanation, that is...)

Tally ho

We could tally the score... but as one who has a soft spot for underdogs, I say we just give Angel a thumbs up (for being douchey) and give Edward a pat on the back for honorable mention.

Stay tuned for more exciting comparisons!

Douche-off: Edward vs. Edward

In a grueling battle of the unsavory (Queue "Family Feud" Theme music), Book Edward and Movie Edward face off in six qualifying categories, where their less palatable qualities fall under scrutiny: Wardrobe, Hair, Time Spent in Front of Mirror, Moves with the Ladies, Ed-words, and Expressions. 

Let the Douche-offs Begin! (Winner takes Angel)

Wardrobe

Movie Edward doesn't stand a chance against Book Edward in this category. Tan Leather Jacket VS. Gray Peacoat? Sleeveless white button up VS. That's my t-shirt? clearly Book Edward takes the douche on this one. 

Hair

Book Edward is described as having untidy hair (maybe this is because Bella can't keep her hands out of it). "Untidy" suggests a relaxed attitude when it comes to appearance, which in turn suggests a lack of douchery.

The bouffant/pompadour can go either way on the douchery spectrum: Yes, it suggests a certain affinity to various hair products. But the bold front with a ducktail dive in the back is reminiscent of Johnny Cash -- clean cut yet incredibly hardcore. 

 I am unable to come to a conclusion on my own, so I defer to a dear friend (if we were to meet, we would be friends... I am sure of it).

Since Robert Pattinson expresses such an aversion to Edward's bouffant, Mov-E = Douch-E 

Time Spent in Front of Mirror

Both Edwards are very fast, we know this. But which one is faster when it comes to looks? We know that Book Edward only owns beige and other gag-worthy colors, so he probably doesn't worry much about making things match up... but is that untidy hair a practiced untidy? flip...flip... flip... aaaaaand done!  

Movie Edward sports a high maintenance 'do, yet his wardrobe is refreshingly simple. Jeans and T-shirts (don't let them get in the dirt!). However, he does sport some cool sneakers, and I imagine he might spend a few minutes deciding which shoes go best with the particular cuts of his designer jeans. Movie Edward, you clearly stare at yourself in the mirror more often... I know I would... 

Moves with the Ladies

Book Edward wins. Why? Because he acts like a douche. Movie Edward actually seems like a 17 year old boy that might actually want to make out with his girlfriend, and is really scared about it, rather than a condescending boyfriend who chuckles at his girlfriend's enthusiasm, and then freaks out. Oh yeah, and he winks at her... I know you're 107 years old, but take a lesson from Movie Edward and stick to the intense stares... waaaaay more captivating, way less douchey. 

Ed-Words

Book Edward's smarfiest line = "Hmm, remind me to thank Alice for that." ~ about Bella's leg, fettered in high heels... and I thought he was concerned for her safety!

Movie Edward's smarfiest line = "You better hold on tight spider monkey" 

Though the pet name is a bit... odd, it certainly doesn't match up with Edward giving his sister kudos for sexing up Bella.  All Douche-nozzles point toward Book Edward!

Expressions

Book Edward expresses himself via copious chuckling, whereas Movie Edward keeps it all bottled up, with an occassional smirk. Sorry Book-E, but your chuckles give us the douche-chills.

Douche Tally

Book Edward =4 

Movie Edward = 2

Congratulations Book Edward, you have won the D-Nozzle Trophy! And Congratulations Movie Edward, for losing! Just like that horrible reality TV show about being fat, sometimes it pays to be the biggest loser. 

Yet even in the midst of all the douchery, the most chilling facts remain undiscovered. 

Team Edward

Today I was talking to my friend Matilda, who has seen Twilight, but hasn't read the books (yet). She asked me what the deal was with Team Edward vs Team Jacob, and whether there was really any competition?

Ummm, No.

I suppose the competition between them becomes a pretty important part of the plot, but really, did anyone think Jacob had a chance? 

Still, I don't think I would wear a Team Edward shirt (though I don't know what color it comes in). He can be sort of a D-nozzle.

I would prefer a Team Cullen shirt. I wouldn't mind joining the family. As long as they don't nickname me after any type of monkey.