West Coast Story: The Vamps VS The Weres Part 1

For those of you who have never seen West Side Story: you are very, very lucky. But as one who sat through it many a time as a child, I couldn't help but notice the similarities. Two warring gangs, a forbidden love, catchy tunes... its all there! So, get your fingers snapping and sing along, vamps!

When You're A Vamp

Words Blatantly Stolen and Rearranged from West Side Story's "When you're a Jet"

When you're a vamp you're a vamp all the way

from your first taste of blood to you're last violent fray

When your a vamp if venom hits the fan

You've got Cullens around

You're a family man

You're never alone

You're never disconnected

You're home with your own

When company's expected

You're well protected

Then you are set with a capital C

Which you'll never forget

When you're a Vamp you stay a vamp!

They are snapping their fingers in time... .you just cant see it because they are so FAST!

(speaking)
Now I know Jasper like I know me,
And I gaurantee you can count him in.

Emmett:
In, out, let's get crackin'!
Where you gonna find The Werewolves?

Edward:
At the dance tonight at the gym

Alice:
But the gym's neutral territory

Edward:
I'm gonna make nice with him, I'm only gonna challenge him

Alice:
Great, Daddy-O

Emmett
So everybody dress up sweet and sharp and
meet Edward and me at ten.
And walk tall!

Rosalie:
We always walk tall!

Alice:
We're Vamps!

Carlisle:
The greatest!

Jasper:
When you're a Vamp you're the top cat in town

Emmett:
You're the Gold medal kid with the heavyweight crown

Carlisle:
When you're a Vamp you're the swingin-est thing
Little boy, you're a Vamp, Little Vamp you're a king!

ALL:
The vamps are in gear
Our teeth are clickin'
The weres'll steer clear
'Cause every canine is
A lousy chicken!
Here come the Vamps like a bat outta hell
Someone gets in our way, someone don't live to tell!
Here come the Vamps!
Little world, step aside!
Better go underground!
Better run, Better hide!
We're drawing the line,
So keep your necks a hidden
We're hangin' a sign
Says visitors forbidden
And we ain't kiddin'
Here come the Vamps!
Yeah!
And we're gonna beat every last buggin' gang on the
whole buggin' street.
on the whole ever mother lovin' street!
Yeah!

Stay Tuned for the Werewolve's howling rebuttal.

Why Muse is the Official Band of Twilight

Stephenie Meyer has done exactly two brilliant things in her life:

1) Dream up Edward Cullen!
2) Have a giant boner for the band Muse.

It is also worth noting that December 15 marks exactly two brilliant occasions:

1) TDH celebrates its one year anniversary as everyone's favorite irreverent Twilight blog (your source for ongoing sparkle penis analysis and general Edward-related hilarity).
2) TDH sees Muse live for the first time, here in our very own Seattle, Washington!

In honor of the double double brilliancy, here's a look at Muse's newest album and how it's all about Edward's penis:

Exhibit A: Uprising

The whole "revolution" thing could be about the Cullens, with their alternative lifestyles, rising up against the Volturri. Or it could be literally something...rising...up.

Exhibit B: Resistance

This song is about the whole "forbidden" aspect of vampire/human love. Awwwww. How sweet. It could be wrong, could be wrong, but it should've been right. And it's about how they have to keep it secret and keep it safe.

Exhibit C: I Belong To You

Duh, it's on the New Moon Soundtrack, clearly it's an ode to Edward. However, you wouldn't notice it in the movie unless you were looking for it (twss). It plays in a random scene where Bella drives off to school in her truck.

The opening line is:

When these pillars get pulled down

Pillar, huh? Someone knows something about something! Moving on...as everyone knows, Bella was in so much pain in New Moon that she felt like she had a hole in her chest, because of Edward who is sparkley and powerful and fast, like lightning:

How much pain has quaked your soul?
How much love could make you whole?
You're my guiding lightning strike.

And then there's the obvious -- Bella dashes off to Italy to save Edward from his misguided suicide attempt:

I've traveled half the world to say, I belong to you

EXHIBIT D: Unnatural Selection

One word: Renesmee.

EXHIBIT E: MK Ultra

No, this song is not about a light beer. It's about the biggest lie ever told, by one Edward Cullen, upon breaking up with Bella, and about Bella hallucinating the Ghost of Edward as a result.

How much deception can you take?
How many lies will you create?
How much longer until you break?
Your mind's about to fall.

Exhibit F: Guiding Light

More New Moon pain. This time it's Edward's pain, after he leaves Bella for her own good:

And fragile and stripped to the core
I can't hurt you anymore

A reference to sparkle:

And sunshine, trapped in our hearts

And then this:

It could rise again, but I'm lost
And crushed I'm cold and confused
with no guiding light left inside
You were guiding, light

Hmmm. Sounds like Edward is having a very specific problem, now that he ran away from Bella. That'll teach him.

Exhibit H: Undisclosed Desires

If they were smart, Muse would have had black and white video footage of Bella and Edward (or just Edward) rolling around on a sandy beach, a la Chris Issak/Wicked Game. Instead, they opted for the band performing in a studio with some lady dancing around in an outfit made out of what is either guitar cables or those automated car wash scrubbers. Neither is sexy. And yet this song is oozing with sexy!

You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine
Please me,
Show me how it's done,
Tease me,
You are the one

Not only is that hot, it's clearly about Edward (who thinks he's souless, and is still a virgin anyway) and Bella (who's trying to get under his teeth and into his pants, but not trying hard enough if you know what I'm sayin').

The chorus is all about the whole "Edward is a contradiction" thing with the beauty and the danger and the demons and the sex:

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

All that Twilight sexual tension (read: Edward without a shirt on, looking pained) would have a made a great video for this song. The key-tar and the flailing dancer tangled in cables? Not so much.

In review:

Not Sexy

Sexy

Hey wait a minute. Is this a double mic, or is it someone's sparkely...nevermind.




EXHIBIT: The Rest
Then there are some symphonic pieces that I haven't paid much attention to, but I'm sure they're just fantastic and evocative of everyone's favorite sparkley bits.