Chapter Three: What happens in Vancouver...

The hotel room was awesome.

Twilight Solo: Edward

In honor of TDH's resident stalkers, here is a great song that could easily be sung by everyone's favorite stalker, Edward Cullen:

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Every single day
Every word you say
Every game you play
Every night you stay
Ill be watching you

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every step you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you























Since youve gone I been lost without a trace
I dream at night I can only see your face
I look around but its you I cant replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep crying baby, baby, please...

Oh, cant you see
You belong to me
How my poor heart aches
With every breath you take

Every move you make
Every vow you break
Every smile you fake
Every claim you stake
Ill be watching you

Every move you make
Every step you take
Ill be watching you

Ill be watching you
Ill be watching you
Ill be watching you
Ill be watching you...

Robert Pattinson Inadvertently Endorses TDH!

I had no idea people could get so obsessed.
But it's not scary - it's amazing.
-Robert Pattinson

Sounds like someone wants to find out more about Edward's penis.

That's My (Wet) T-Shirt

The one thing Twilight is missing is a good old fashioned pond-diving scene.

Sure, the scene in question was invented for the Pride and Prejudice BBC mini-series, and appears nowhere in the novel itself. But Jane herself probably would have participated in the collective swoon heard round the world when ladies everywhere first viewed that scene. And sometimes book-to-film adaptations need to take some liberties in order to visually interpret what the narrative in the novel would have described to us. And gosh, what a perfect way to show Darcy's wealth (That's My Pond), vulnerability (mussed hair, caught unawares) and vitality (clingy trousers).

Just like Jane Austen fans enjoyed seeing Mr. Darcy's nipples, we members of Team Edward would appreciate a little wet t-shirt action please. Catherine "Rob is So Hot" Hardwicke attempted to oblige us with the brief scene in which Edward and Bella discuss vampirism. She certainly did her best to drench him with as much water as possible, while completely ignoring that one girl (whatshername? Beatrice? Beulah?). But alas, Edward was clad in a dark shirt and all we see is water trickling down his face. Nice, but not quite as iconic.

Oh well. Maybe there will be such a scene in the Breaking Dawn movie on the beach. In the mean time, we shall have to make do with these brilliant photographs.

If SNL and TDH collided...

The dialogue for the following sketch is based off of the hospital scene following Bella's incident with the van. Please review scene for maximum entertainment.

Edward and Bella sit on Bella's bed, cuddling...

Bella: Edward, I wanted to talk to you about something

Edward: What is it, love?

Bella: (shifts to look up at Edward, takes Edward's hands in her own) Edward, I think we are ready to take this to the next level.

Edward: (stares intensely) Are you sure Bella?

Bella: (nods) Yes Edward. I'm ready. We're ready

Edward: (sighs) Okay...

Close up of Bella leaning forward expectantly, eyes closed, lips puckered. Cut to Edward leaning back against the headboard, shirt unbuttoned, holding a freshly lit cigarrette

Edward: (takes a long drag on cig) Aaaaaaaah. (glances to Bella) Was it good for you?

Bella: (shirt is a few buttons askew, hair freshly mussed) What?

Edward: We totally did it Bella.

Bella: What? (pauses) Nuh uh.

Edward: Um, yeah actually we did....(a quick cut to Bella's bewildered expression) Oh! Just did it again. Right there. (takes another drag on the cigarrette)

Bella: We did not.

Edward: Yup

Bella: No, we didn't

Edward: I was on top of you the whole time Bella.

Bella: No you weren't. You were sitting right there.

Edward: No, I wasn't.

Bella: Yes, you were

Edward: Uh, Bella, you umm... you might have hit your head (raps knuckle on headboard) I think you're a little confused.

Bella: (adamantly) I know what I saw.

Edward: (leans closer) what exactly was that?

Bella: (inexplicably has her own cigarrette. looks at it, befuddled, and takes a drag) Well... well... it must not have been any good!

Edward: (scoffs) Well, no one's going to believe you, so...

Bella: I wasn't gonna tell anyone, I just want to know... the truth...

Edward: Can't you just thank me and get over it?

Bella: Thank you...

(awkward silence)

Well... can we try it again?

Edward leans away from Bella to put out cigarette. He moves toward her, off screen. Cut to Bella, holding un-ashed cigarrette, looking surprised.

Edward: Done! (folds hands behind head)

Bella: (angrily) I wasn't done!

Edward: You loved it.

Bella: Come on Edward!

Edward: I just did!

Bella: That's not fair!

Edward: (sighs) You're not gonna let this go, are you.

Bella: No.

Edward: In that case I hope you enjoy disappointment.

Conversation Starters: Robert Pattinson

A fortnight ago, I was assigned with the task of coming up with opening lines for if I ever ran into any of the Twilight cast. I have categorized my conversation starters into 5 simple methods. Below are a few words I might use if I ever happened to catch Robert Pattinson... 

unawares... (of course I am starting with him, of course!)

Consider yourself warned.

Method 1: Common ground

Hey Robert... 

-I don't like to wash my hair either. See? (RP slooooowly backs away)

-I have an uncle named Robert! Wow! Lets talk about that. He's a ninja. So am I. Do you like ninjas? (RP disappears in a puff of smoke)

-I'm a musician too! You know, there's a great club in seattle called 16th Ave, Apt #4... I could totally get you a gig. 

Method 2: Feign Ignorance

Hey...

-Can I bum a smoke? Oh, don't I know you from somewhere? (RP sloooowly backs away)

-Do you know where a good Karaoke bar is? Wanna go? Oh, you're robert pattinson? wow! (RP warbles away)

Method 3: Flight of the Conchords, Mel Style

-Edwa- I mean Rob! Sorry!... Unless... do you like to be called Edward? (RP runs away)

-That's a really cool jacket, can I have it? Can I have your pants too? (RP disappears, leaving only a rumpled pile of clothing)

-Oh my god this is so weird that I ran into you right outside of your place where you live! Its just like the dream I had last night... (RP returns to his flat and locks several deadbolts)

-Me: Bite me

  RP: What?

  Me: What?... (RP  runs away)

Method 4: Lyrical Style (Clearly, RP would swoon if I sang anything to him)

-Franz Ferdinand --  With a laugh like that, and a look like that you make us all just go la la la la. 

-Two Gallants -- My lost cause for words walks away with my nerves

-Def Leppard -- All I've got is a photograph but its not enough

-FOTC -- If you want me to, I can hang 'round with you, if I only knew, that's what you're into

-Fugazi -- You should pay rent in my mind

-Debby Country -- Let's move our lips till we turn blue

Method 5: What would probably really happen

-eeeeeeehehehehehehe! (I run away)

-Robert pattinson! (I hyperventilate, then run away)

-Hey that's my t-shirt! (I run away)

- ... ... ... 

-Hey, could you answer some rhetorical questions for me? (questions drowned out by fits of giggles)

Hmm... Edward's what? No actually, I know very little about that.