Edward Uses the Force.

You WILL Be My Valentine

Vampires Are People Too

Do you think that the New Moon movie will be told entirely from Bella's perspective, consistent with the book? Or will they give us a glimpse of a miserable Edward, separated from Bella? The moviemakers had better throw us a bone. They must do something extra special for us, since this book involves a shocking lack of Edward throughout.

Maybe they will break some of the Twilight vampire rules and let Edward have stubble for his tortured New Moon moments. They SHOULD. And maybe give him a few bad habits. Yesssss!



A vampire's self-destructive behavior should involve more than taking one's shirt off in Italy (even if said vampire is hot and bedazzle-icious). Give us some cheap burbon and cigarettes, people! Maybe throw in some dark circles under the eyes (which is, afterall, Twilight-approved).

Twilight: The Sitcom, Episode 2

This week on Twilight: The Sitcom --

Edward and Bella are on a break. Edward focuses on his music to escape the pain, writing lullaby after lullaby for Bella on his awesome Casio keyboard. His mopey songs annoy his family, and finally Alice begs Edward to break out of his funk and go have some fun with her, for old time's sake.







Predicting that he will indeed have fun, Alice convinces Edward to take her out on the town. He reluctantly admits that their brother-sister dance routine does improve his mood.



In one final attempt to cheer himself up, Edward gets a monkey named Jacob. The smell is off-putting, but Edward can't help but chuckle at Jacob's antics, and feels just a little bit better.


Next week on Twilight: The Sitcom, the Cullens go to Prom. Could they be any prettier?

Pop Revelations: Part II

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Sweden 

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Some anomalies are just better understood through the lens of vampirism. With lyrics like "I ran a long long way from home, to find a heart that's made of stone," the madness all begins to make sense!

Of course, the Volturi are well aware of the visibility of Roxette, but after reading their lyrics the powerful three guessed that few would ever be able to pick out the vampiric references amongst the silliness. Besides. They are from Sweden. No one takes them seriously. Except me.

Joyride

Irrelevant lyrics italicized (volturized?) for hilarity

I hit the road out of nowhere,

I had to jump in my car

And be a rider in a love game

Following the stars,

Dont need no book of wisdom,

I get no money talk at all.

She has a train going downtown,

Shes got a club on the moon

And shes telling all her secrets

In a wonderful balloon. ????

Oh shes the heart of the funfair,

Shes got me whistling her private tune.

And it all begins where it ends,

And shes all mine,

My magic friend.

She says:

Hello, you fool,

I love you,

Cmon join the joyride, 

Join the joyride.

(I am sure this is relevant somehow...)

she's a flower, i can paint her, ?

she's a child of the sun, 

we're a part of this together, 

could never turn around and run. 

don't need no fortune teller 

to know where my lucky love belongs oh no.

cos it all begins again when it ends, 

and we're all magic friends. 

she says: hello, you fool, i love you, 

c'mon join the joyride, be a joyrider

The best part, is where they randomly shout "Roxette" near the end of the song. 

So, what is a joyrider? 

A Pop Revelation

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The 80's

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Originally "Bad Medicine" was a song about vampires, but the Volturi stepped in, informing Bon Jovi that he would be ripped to pieces if he sang the original lyrics. As you can see, I have the original version right here! Only a few key words were altered, and with those in place, one can see how the rest of the song is clearly relevant. Edward probably sings it all the time.

Your blood is like bad madicine

Bad medicine is what I need

Pump it out, just like bad madicine

There ain't no doctor that can

Cure my disease

I ain't got a fever got a permanent disease

It'll take more than a doctor to prescribe a remedy

I got lots of money but it isn't what I need

Gonna take more than a shot to get this poison out of me

I got all the symptoms count 'em 1,2,3

First you need

That's what you get for falling in love

Then you feed

You get a little but it's never enough

On your knees

That's what you get for falling in love

And now this boy's addicted cause your scent is the drug

I don't need no needle

To be giving me a thrill

And I don't need no anesthesia

Or a nurse to bring a pill

I got a dirty down addiction

It doesn't leave a track

I got a jones for your jugular

Like a monkey on my back (monkey reference wtf!)

There ain't no paramedic

To save you from this attack

I need a respirator cause I'm running out of breath

You're an all night blood donator wrapped in khaki sweater vests

When you find your medicine you take what you can get

Cause if there's something better baby well they haven't found it yet

Amen.

The Young Adult

Edward holds Bella in safe, non threatening ways.

I feel like the publishing world is monstrously out of touch with youth. I'm not really one to judge -- when I was considered a young adult, I also was out of touch. I feel that I started middle school at age 40 and steadily regressed in age. I now have the humor of a 12 year old boy, and the giggles of a 12 year old girl (although, most 30 yr olds have my sense of humor, so maybe we should redefine our understanding of age). But I digress...

More specifically, these people are out of touch with Women. Girls, Females, Ladies. Whatever. 

Guess who else is out of touch? Stephen King. 

I am too lazy to quote anything, so read This article. 

OK, if you are as lazy as I am, you probably won't click on the link, so I will paraphrase poorly as I go. 

First off, King takes a crack at Meyer's writing style. Fine, whatever. They're in the same business, and that is his professional opinion.

 But soon after, he takes a crack at psycho-analyzing the young adult female. Apparently Twilight is so appealing to girls (my emphasis, King's oversight of the fact that Twilight appeals to the adult female as well) because the sex is presented in a non-threatening manner. 

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Well excuuuuuse me for not jerking off to the latest Jerry Bruckheimer crime series. 

Apparently I should have checked with Mr. King -- now an expert on female sexuality -- before finding all that covertly sexual sexless sexiness... sexy. Apparently, young women are not ready to deal with all those naughty feelings that come along with being attracted to someone, and that is why we like a story to remain subtle. 

Or maybe (and I'm going out on a vibrating limb here) all that subtlety causes the feelings in the first place you moron! 

P.S. Do you know what a clitoris is? Just checking.

Perhaps the article is unfair. It is very short. Maybe they just took a few enticing samples (Rita Skeeter style) and thus morphed King's in-depth analysis of why a girl might have a hard time dealing with themes of sex and sexuality while going through puberty. Like, how women historically have been discouraged from understanding that we too, have libido. Like how women are presented with two choices. Slut or Prude. And maybe, just maybe, women enjoy subtlety, not because we are afraid of our feelings, but because it circumvents those two restrictive, derogatory terms. A sneaky way to sex.  Oh wait, that's not King talking. That's me. 

In my very first TDH post, I too wondered at Stephenie Meyer's choice to make the novels squeaky clean. I am pretty sure a lot of it had to do with publishing restrictions. The publishers probably have some sort of weird Young Adult guideline that fits the teenage market about as well as an abstinence only sex ed class. Really, the guidelines exist to make the product marketable to the parents who will be looking for acceptable reading material for their kids. That is my humble opinion.

I am convinced that Stephenie Meyer tamed the books down a bit for the young adult crowd, but the books are still riddled with complex themes.  Stephen King calls the sex in Twilight a "safe joining of love". What is so safe about having a boyfriend that refuses to sleep with you because he is afraid it might kill you? That is a heavy, dangerous theme right there. Also, having a boy watch you while you sleep without you knowing? Slightly creepy. But Edward is a character of strong moral fiber, second only to Harry Potter (Harry Potter has a cleaner track record when it comes to killing), and readers soon understand that he isn't the dark, lurking character at all (though he certainly can be dark, and he does do a lot of lurking). Not the one you think of when you see a poster of a "dame" looking over her shoulder into a dark alley... an alley that is supposed to strike fear in our hearts at the same time that it excites us. Does it bother anyone else that a message that hints toward succumbing to the thrill of a stalker is considered 'safe', yet a sex scene between two consenting adults is too 'dangerous' for young readers? What if Edward was a wrong-side-of-the-tracks teenage vampire? Would that make the stalking less appropriate?

 

In conclusion, this post has absolutely no core train of thought. Everyone is dumb. Also, the women I know who enjoy Twilight don't strike me as having trouble dealing with all those feelings. 

You know what I think? I think King is just embarrassed because Edward's icy touch makes him hot and bothered. What what!

Vampires: Now Available in Hypercolor

Glitter Skin - OUT

Edward, Have you been out in the sun all day?

Wait, wait... is that a handprint?

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Twilight - Directors Cut? I'm crossing my fingers.